The unethical Jealousy

As polyamory gains more and more momentum in our society, it naturally gains more coverage in the press and media. A new TV show started in the UK recently, titled “Wanderlust”, and tells the story of a married couple who lose interest in Sex with each other, and then discover the pleasures of extra-marital sex together.

In one scene in the show, the husband says to his wife incredulously “You’re actually suggesting we both CHEAT on each other???”, which shows us a common myth about open relationships. However, an open relationship does not mean cheating…quite the opposite…it’s SHARING. Cheating is to act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage, but people who are in open relationships do so honestly and ethically. If that person has a spouse or other type of partner (fiancé, girlfriend, boyfriend etc.), they would engage in romantic or sexual relationships only with the knowledge and approval of the other, and they would make sure whoever they are having said relationship with is aware that they have other partners.

Naturally, there are people who identify themselves as in open-relationships and still cheat…but they are simply wrong. Perhaps they are misinformed about what “open” mean, or perhaps they are lying to themselves or others to defer or avoid the guilt of what they are doing. The Polyamory community, in general, doesn’t judge people who do cheat, and so even unethical people would usually still be accepted and loved, but make no mistake…cheating is lying, and it is lying to someone you have specifically vowed to be honest-with (as in…worse than just lying to the clerk at the grocery store or another random person).

One thing that keeps bugging me with regards to polyamory and ethics is the fact that our society so heavily stresses and focuses on the positive value of sharing, but is so hard-core against sharing PEOPLE. If you talk to most people, you would find that they would accept and even encourage anger and violence against someone who even thinks of extra-marital sex. How many times have you heard of someone yelling, hitting or even kicking out their partner because said partner looked at another man or woman randomly? The below image is a stock-photo, but most of us have either experienced this, or heard a friend or family member express their anger at the notion of their partner being attracted to someone else. Would we also be so harsh on someone is asking to borrow our car, or on an employee who is interviewing for another company? How can we tell our kids to always share things like food and earthly possessions, but then tell them that sharing the love of a person is a horrible sin? How can we tell them that parents can love multiple children, and that children can love multiple parents, but not multiple boyfriends/girlfriends?

There are discussions and disagreements in the scientific community about whether personal possessiveness is an evolved trait that mankind developed, or whether it’s purely cultural, but either way, in a world with birth control and advanced STD medicine, there’s no reason for anyone to impose limits on their partners. The reality is that trying to control someone’s emotions usually doesn’t work, and makes a lot of people unhappy. Research has shown that in over half of marriages (some research show this to actually be as high as 76%), one or both partners admit to cheating, and other surveys show that over 20% of Americans practice open relationships. This means that approximately 70% of Americans engage in romantic or sexual relationships with multiple partners, and out of the other 30%, many cheat without admitting it, and many others desire to have extra-marital relationships, but avoid it due to fear, inability (*) or pure fidelity. I estimate that if more people would have permission and ability, at least 90% would, and most of the rest may not initiate, but would participate if “hit” on by someone attractive.

* This could be due to being old, disabled, sick, isolated, introverted, antisocial, awkward or simply too repulsive to be able to
form a romantic relationship

The bottom line is that it’s hard to deny that we are a species that has evolved to have multiple partners, and monogamy is nothing more than an old-fashioned social practice that is useless, irrelevant and does nothing more than make people unhappy in this day and age. Hopefully, with the growth of Polyamory, we will soon reach a point where we can repeal the laws that restrict love (anti polygamy laws) and that the repressive cultural and media bias against open relationships will find its place with other shameful things like homophobia, xenophobia and antisemitism.

Doctor Doom

When discussing polyamory, it seems a common thing a lot of people think is that all polyamorous relationships are “doomed to fail”. Are they really?

Let’s start by defining what is a failure. Probably most people will agree that a relationship that ends within a few weeks is a failure. That’s simple. What if the relationships lasts 30 years? According to the rules of monogamy, as explicitly stated in various marriage ceremonies and vows, a relationship is “till death do us part”. This suggests that even if a couple is married for 40 years and divorces at age 60, that relationship is a failure. If that’s what you believe, then I would have to agree that the majority of relationships are doomed to fail…but that would apply to ALL relationships. As is well known, many marriages end in divorce (*), but if you count relationships that don’t end up in marriage (research suggests men have an average of 6 relationships and women 5 before they get married), the reality is that at least 90% of monogamous relationships don’t last forever. If you consider the number of relationships that don’t dissolve but still have other major failures, such as cases where one or both partners cheat on each other, and cases where the couple avoids divorce for some technical reason and remain “together” but either without love, sex or both, then the number is probably much higher.

I think a more realistic way to consider success or failure is using a range of 3-4 years, and that would apply not just to the length of a marriage, but rather to the length of the entire relationship, from dating to separation or divorce. Indeed, many polyamorous don’t last that long. Many dissolve or fizzle out after a few months or a year, but many of them go way father. While statistics aren’t available regarding averages, since polyamory research is in its infancy, I have personally met dozens of people who have enjoyed long-term poly relationships. Some have been in them for a decade or even more. Ultimately, polyamory is not magic…people are flawed and make mistakes, and the same challenges that cause some people to be lousy at monogamous relationships can make them louse at poly. However, polyamory does offer a much more flexible and laid-back framework for relationships, which can alleviate some of the stress-factors that make long-term monogamous life difficult. For example, polyamorous couples often times don’t co-habitate, and cohabitation is a major stress factor. By not being ‘required’ to live together, many relationships are more natural and healthy. Based on my own experience and evidence, I believe the actual success/failure rates of polyamorous relationships is quite similar to that of monogamous relationships, but I also see much more happiness and sense of completeness within poly couples.

The bottom line is that truly, most relationships, monogamous or polyamorous, are doomed to fail. Most of us are aware that any relationship we enter may not work out, but we still do it, because as the old quote from Alfred Lord Tennyson goes "'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”. Many of the things we do won’t last forever, and that in itself is no reason to avoid them. Would you not take a job just because you could get fired? Would you avoid buying a house just because you might someday be unable to afford it, or want something better? Of course not. Love and relationships are a journey to be enjoyed, not a target to be conquered, and a polyamorous relationship, whether it last a year or a decade could be a tremendous adventure! Try one today!

Poly Round Tables

Like most things in life, polyamory is not one thing, but rather dozens of variations of the concept, with every person and group practicing it in slightly different ways. One of the most important elements of the poly framework is the question of balance. Some people define one of their partners as "primary" with the others being "secondary", while some people prefer to have all their partners be equal to each other.

A Primary/secondaries scenario usually develops organically when a married couple decides to open up their relationship. In this situation, the husband or wife would typically be the primary for his/her spouse, with everyone else being secondary. Another common scenario happens when two people co-habitate, which enables them to spend more time together.

In those situations, things are pretty-clear, and the secondary partners realize who comes first and why. However, things can be a little murkier in a round-table poly. The framework dictates that every partner is equal….but are they really?

Well, the reality is that sometimes, they are not. This is not dissimilar to a parent who has several kids. Most parents will claim they love all their kids the same, and that none of the kids gets treated differently (other than obvious age-related privileges, of course)…but anyone who grew up with siblings knows that pretty-much any parent has a more-favorite child, and a less-favorite as well. In polyamory, one person may have been-around for longer, or is more-available to their partner than others. Similarly, people have different personalities, which can make for better chemistry with one person over others, and if the partners aren't careful, this can lead to imbalance and jealousy. For example, you might have a "lighter trigger" to cancel a date on a less-favored partner, or might tend to tell more intimate stuff to a more-favored partner. Any such situation can lead to frustration, jealousy and anger.

Like most things in life, there's no clear answer or solution to this. We are all human beings, and we can't have total control of how we feel. However, we can control how we behave, so there are two things we can do.

For starters, we can keep track of our actions with regards to stuff that is often a challenge. One such things is dates, and another is changes/cancellations. Keeping a log of when we see each partner can help us make sure we are giving a comparable time to each partner (and, in case of a disagreement, we might be able to use that to show a frustrated partner that we care enough to keep tabs). Keeping a log of any time we move or cancel on a partner could help make sure we don't do it too often, and take steps in case this does happen. For example, if we find ourselves cancelling more-often on one partner, we could consider setting a regular schedule with them, to make things more concrete (or, if we have a schedule, consider moving to a different schedule that will be easier to keep). Also, if this is the case, perhaps it's time to consider whether the relationship may need to change in some way, or whether it has run its course.

Another thing we can do is have regular feedback sessions with our partners. It doesn't have to be too official, but sitting down once a month-or-two and simply asking "How can I be a better partner to you? Is there anything I should be doing less-of? Is there something I should be doing more-of?" would encourage your partner to tell you their frustrations even if normally they would keep them to themselves. Is that "breaking into jail"?...yes, it is, but believe me…it's better to know when something is headed in the wrong direction, rather then only know when things have passed a point of no-return.

The flip-side to this, of course, is a situation where you are the partner who is feeling neglected or mistreated. In polyamory, many of us are "trained" to quash-down jealousy, which can cause us to avoid criticizing our partners even when there are legitimate issues. However, it's important to remember that having feelings is not a bad thing - on the contrary…it's normal and healthy. The important thing is what we do with these feelings, and releasing them in a controlled fashion is the right path to happiness. If we have negative feelings about our partners and we bottle them, they might someday burst out in flames, which could kill or severely-hurt the relationships. Talking carefully and gently about what's bothering you, while giving constructive and delicate feedback to your partner is a much better way of dealing with issues, and can help us maintain long-term and healthy relationships.

Time's a-wastin'

One of the most common tropes in dating is the notion of "wasting time". This would typically come about in the context of reviewing one's relationship, and usually expressed by women in relation to their boyfriend "popping up the question". This could come up, for example, if the relationship has been going-on for a certain period of time, but said boyfriend hasn't proposed to the girlfriend just yet. "Am I wasting my time with him?" the girl might wonder.

Naturally, this thought could occur to guys too, but in our society, male are still more dominant (or expected to be) in pursuing and advancing relationships, and so it's more common for the woman to wait for the man to escalate the relationship into marriage.

The trope of time-wasting is one that frustrates me to no end, because it's an embodiment of the biggest issue with many relationships in our society. The issue is that for many people, their romantic relationship is a GAME…a pre-conceived path from a beginning to an "end". The game starts when one finds a romantic interest, goes through a series of escalations (going out, dating, kissing, having sex, becoming exclusive, getting a key to his/her apartment, meeting the parents, moving-in together, making/getting a marriage proposal) and eventually reaching the "end" (marriage), following which you live happily ever-after.

In this game, most people are taught, you must play by certain rules. The stages must be in a specific order, and certain time periods must exist between each stage, and these must be no shorter than X and no longer than Y. In this game, most people are taught, you must overcome challenges by any means necessary, such as hiding key aspects of your personality to not scare the other person away. You must make efforts to keep yourself pretty, interesting, fun and attractive…. until you finally "win" the game and no longer have to suffer through these hardships. Once you finish the game and get to the END, you no longer have to be concerned because you WON…you have your marriage and can finally stop the chase and be who you really are. It's OK! So what if you're a controlling freak, or a messy hoarder…you are DONE because marriage is Eternal!

In this game, most people are taught, if the game is not winnable, then what's the point? If the other person won't allow you to win the game within the "normal" time-frame by committing to marriage, then they may NEVER do so. If the game is not winnable, then you must end the game and start a new one with someone else. In this game, we are taught, if you aren't playing to WIN, you are wasting your time!

Sarcasm aside, this process, which many of us find normal and natural, is actually the opposite. It's a romantic fabrication that's born out of laziness and insecurity, and it being "the way" is just a myth perpetuated by the media. The reality is that it's all based on deception (of self and others) and leads to countless failures of relationships. It often leads to more insecurity and even depression. In fact, the no. 1 cause for suicides in modern society is romantic issues and failures.

What is the right way, you ask? Simple! Forget about the game, the path and the destination. A relationship is a JOURNEY. It's an adventure you take with another person, during which you spend quality time together, enjoy each other's company, fall in love, engage in sex, and continue to do so for as long as both of you still want to. Sometimes, this adventure will last a few months, sometimes a year or two, and sometimes for the rest of your lives. However, if it's just a short-term relationship, this is by NO means a failure if you both enjoyed it. Relationships with romantic partners sometimes run their course, and there's nothing wrong with that. You can conclude one relationship and develop another one, or have several of them concurrently (polyamory). You can find and start new relationships at ANY age - even in your seventies (in fact, retirement homes are known to be some of the busiest places in the world, in terms of relationships and sex). If you think you don't have the energy for that, keep in mind that once you take the "game" element out of it and just enjoy the adventure, it removes most of the stress and effort related to the relationship, making it easy and fun. In fact, new relationships can cause a huge BOOST in one's energy (this is known as "NRE"…New Relationship Energy). They can literally make you feel like a young man or woman again, and it's one of the best feelings in the world.

Letting go of notions and habits that we spend decades believing can be hard, I know. I see a lot of people go through the anguish of dealing with relationship stresses, and as a younger man, I've gone through them a lot too. However, I've overcome these irrelevant tropes and misconceptions and I know for a fact that it is possible. I hope you give it a try and be on your path to open, loving and fun-filled adventures with your romantic partners!

Once upon a unicorn

In the world of poly, many people have two or more partners, and if they are socially active, they may end up interacting among themselves. Depending on how social and outgoing you and your partners are, they might be anywhere from complete strangers to full-time intense lovers. That sounds fun, right? Well…not always!

If you have a romantic relationship with two people, and then they start a relationship with each other, that essentially creates not one but TWO unicorns at the same time. A unicorn, if you’re not familiar with the term, is a 3^rd partner in a love triangle. For the most part, a unicorn is a person that joins an existing couple to form the new relationship (which is often referred-to as “Triad” or “Thrupple”). There are many variations of this, and there isn’t a universally-accepted definition of what a unicorn is or is not, but a very common notion is that unicorns are called that because like the legendary animal, romantic unicorns are a mythical creature that doesn’t really exist. The latter is usually said somewhat in jest, as obviously there are plenty of people who do meet some definition of a romantic unicorn, but the reason for this is that romantic Unicorn are exceedingly rare, and that type of relationship often doesn’t last more than a few weeks.

If you have two partners that develop a romantic relationship, that generally doesn’t meet the popular definition of a Unicorn, but the way I see it, it’s very similar. The main reason for many of the issues affecting any “group” of lovers is pillow-talk…our tendency to share deep secrets with our lovers. In other words, many people would share thoughts, issues and grievances they have with one partner, with another one, and this is a very explosive situation. At best, it would be difficult for the partner to keep what they hear to themselves. At worst, it could actually shift their point-of-view of their partner. Some people even explicitly play one of their partners against the other, either consciously or not.

Ultimately, all relationships are a fragile thing, and the vast majority of them don’t last very long. Most people know the statistics about how half of marriages end in divorce (this isn’t accurate, but the number is quite high indeed), but the percentage is much higher for non-legally-binding relationships. Even for people who are married, the relationship often has various issues and frustrations going on, sometimes deep under the surface, and sometimes right-in-your-face. When you add another person into that relationship, you are actually creating multiple relationships. Partner A and B, partner A and C, and partner B and C all have their distinct relationships. If one or more of the partners have kids, that is yet another whole set of relationships, and any of them going sour can jeopardize the entire family or poly-family. This means that any additions to an existing relationship is risky, and the less stable the relationship is, the more it risks blowing up badly, with a lot of collateral damage. An analogy I like to use is this: If you see a person standing on top of 2 skateboards….do you hand them another skateboard?

If this sounds like I’m discouraging triads….well, yes, that’s true. Not that I think these are all bad…on the contrary! A functional triad is an amazing experience. However, any relationship needs some level of maturity to be stable, and a triad needs exceptional maturity. If even one of the partners is immature, narcissistic or otherwise bad relationship material, the whole thing would implode, and usually quite quickly.

In the case of two partners of one person forming a relationship between themselves, that, in a way, makes partner A a unicorn to partners B and C, and partner B a unicorn to partners A and C. With Unicorns and relationships being difficult to begin-with, having two of them at the same time is exceptionally fragile and the chances of long-term stability are low. In my own opinion…they are close to zero.

Is there a way out? Not always, I’m afraid. While this CAN work in some situations, my general approach is to not encourage my own partners to get too close. I like them to be friends, but I prefer they remain no-more than simple “buddies”. It’s very important to me to NOT control or steer people (esp. people I care about), so I don’t actively discourage it or do anything to prevent it, but I don’t encourage it either, and I share the above thoughts with any new partner, so that they can be careful. If you yourself are part of a successful, stable and long-term triad (or more), I would love to hear of it, as I’m sure you have some lessons to share and help others build better relations. Please comment!

Kiss my ass, prudes!

Do you kiss your lover? I bet you do, but can you imagine that there was a time where kisses were not OK?

I'm not talking about Victorian times, but something else. That seems hard to imagine, but even something as basic as a kiss was “invented” (or discovered) at some point in the past. No one really knows how or when, but at some point, two people (perhaps homo sapiens, perhaps Neanderthal) touched their lips to each other, and liked it enough to do it again…and again. They were probably very eager to share this new experience with friends and family, and just like anything new, others likely felt it was deviant, horrible and disgusting. "That's where you put food!" they said. "It's got all the saliva and leftover food. Ewwwww!!!!"

As is usually the case, the people living in the area split up to two camps. The kissers, who were probably the young folk, and the mainstreamers, who didn’t want anything to do with these kids and their crazy ways. They probably thought it was so perverted that they banned it either completely, or at least in public. Then, as time went on, more and more people tried it out and felt it was a fun and harmless activity, and soon enough, it became prevalent, and the conservatives of the period lost out.

If you think even more back, this was probably the case for hugging before that, with some folks advocating that touching each other was only meant for times of extreme cold, or for supporting the sick and wounded. “This isn’t god’s will” they must have uttered in shock. “It’s unnatural and smelly! Have you ever seen any animal hug another for absolutely no good reason?!?!?!”, they probably cried in angst. But just like with kissing, they too had to eventually admit that snuggling is fun and harmless whether you have to do it, or just want to.

Today, the conservatives of our generation are still struggling to dismiss and ban new things. Transgenders, non-binary individuals, BDSM, Polyamory are all treated as a threat or deviation, whether they are harmful or not. However, if history teaches us nothing else, then it certainly shows clearly that change is inevitable, and no force can stop it. The most conservatives can achieve is some delay, but eventually, the new and exciting ways to be loving, romantic and sexual will prevail, and someday become as normal as binary marriage and the missionary position. If you or your loved ones are one of those suffering from hatred, discrimination or exclusion, cheer up. Our day is not far!

What’s LOVE got to do with it?

As an American and Sex-positive person, a topic I ran across often is that of LOVE. In the Vanilla world, most people have many hang-ups on love, which often leads to problems. For example, people who begin a romantic relationship develop love to their partner at some point, but are often afraid to say it, because many think there should be a certain period of time before love can happen. Due to this “warming period”, many fear that if they say it too early, their partner would freak-out and potentially break-up with them. Another concern is the mutual aspect of love…what if I say it, but my partner isn’t ready to? What if my partner says it but I don’t feel that way just yet?

One of the reasons this type of fear and resulting paralysis exists is due to the link between love and marriage that is the staple of Monogamy. For many (maybe even most) people who are monogamous, you only love someone that is your permanent partner, and if you are not SURE that the relationship is forever, you shouldn’t feel it, let-alone SAY it.

Another aspect of this is the fact that the word love is way too small to describe the huge range, scope, depth and types of emotions we actually feel. You use the same word to describe your excitement about pepperoni pizza and your affection towards a person you might spend the rest of your life with, and that leads to a lot of confusion and concern. When I say “I love you”, does that mean that I just feel good being with you, or does it mean that I want to spend the rest of my life with you? And if I’m unsure…should I still say it?

In the sex-positive world, however, things are often-times different. Generally speaking, we avoid living our lives and doing things based on arbitrary rules set by society. We sometimes have sex before the 3^rd date, we sometimes become boyfriend/girlfriend with someone even though we have other relationships, and yes…we feel love and express it as early as we want, rather than avoiding the word until it is “appropriate”. Similarly, we don’t lose our shit if someone says it after only knowing us for a relatively-short period of time. While saying “I love you” after knowing a person for 10 minutes is still a bit extreme, we also recognize that it’s possible to get to know a person enough to love them after a few days, or even hours. We also know that there’s nothing wrong with feeling it for a partner when they take longer to feel that way.

If you are reading this looking for advice on breaching that topic with your partner, I’m not sure I have a clear one-for-all answer, but the key to this, like any other relationship matter, is communication. Rather than dance-around the subject out of fear of rejection, open a conversation on the topic of “what is love”, to try to understand how your partner defines it. You can ask questions like “how long do you think it could or should take for someone to feel love towards someone else” or “with your previous partners, how long was it until you felt you loved them”. You can also suggest to your partner to read this very article. Ultimately, I can’t predict how things would go, but it’s important to keep in mind that emotional maturity, which typically includes the ability to understand and express one’s emotions better and clearer, is very important for a successful relationships. If your partner or yourself are struggling with these topics, I would strongly advise working on them, both individually and as a couple, so that decisions and actions either of you take come from the best place (as in, from love, rather than fear).