Leadership ethics

Being active in the poly community for several years, I have learned that some people find me attractive (and at least one told me I was absolutely and without a shadow of a doubt the most repulsive human in history, bar none). the former is a bit of a surprise as I always thought of myself as fairly average, and certainly not anything special. I'm not going to lie…it feels quite nice to be the subject of people's interest, but since I'm an event organizer, this can be a bit tricky.

As a host, I'm perceived as having a position of influence and power. It's not true - in reality, I don't actually have power of any kind (unless you consider laying down a kick-ass cheese and meat platter "power"), but the perception exists and with it, a burden. I've encountered several individuals who were evidently interested in me because they felt it would benefit them in some way, or that my non-existent "power" would somehow be shared with them. Naturally, that type of interest is not a foundation for a good or healthy relationship. Even if the motivation is not ulterior, I can't ignore the fact that some people treat leaders differently, which may motivate a person to engage in some activity with me because they think I want it, and putting their own will or preference aside. This represents an ethical conundrum, because for me, consent and agency are critical values and I want to be sure that whatever I do doesn't hurt someone, or that no one does something for the wrong reasons. If a person does something they wouldn't normally do, just to get close to me, or because they want to please me, that is a power-imbalance, which is unacceptable to me. Not only do I not want to control anyone, it's important to me that people in my life are as strong and independent as they can be. Naturally, this is even more critical if this pertains to anything sexual or romantic.

This isn't simple, because I can't read minds, and some queues are subtle. My approach is usually "better safe than sorry", and in case of doubt, stay back. In several years of running my events, this approach has served me well, but I've also had a few cases where a person was genuinely interested, but interpreted my caution as me being uninterested, or that it indicated they were flawed in some way. For me to be ethical, respectful and safe, I can't rely on subtle queues, gestures, hints or anything that is less than a clear and verbal message. This also ties to the verbal-consent model that I expect my members to follow at our cuddle events. I expect my guests to use verbal consent with each other so that there is no doubt or misunderstanding as to what a person meant. And most importantly: if you read this and took a liking to me, but I seem uninterested, try to not assume it's your fault or that I'm cold. Sometimes, that's part of the burden of being the host. I wish there was a simple, elegant and effective solution for this, but I don't believe one exists. Naturally, anyone is always free to speak their mind and be "straight" with me, but in reality, many people struggle with being so direct (especially here, in the Pacific Northwest). Our society has progressed significantly in that sense, but some people still have insecurities, or are just shy. This is just something we all have to figure out for ourselves.