The evils of toxic monogamy

Some people wonder why I spend so much time and energy advocating for polyamory. While I don't post a lot about it in the vanilla world, I do spend a lot of time coaching, counseling and mentoring people who are exploring this lifestyle, and I also volunteer and donate to organizations related to this community. Why is that? Well, beyond the fact that I’m a person who advocates for stuff I think is good, whether it's a person, a product, a service or life choice, the main reason is because I keep being horrified by TOXIC MONOGAMY

I should start by saying that Monogamy is a valid choice. Most people in the world live it and many of them are happy. I myself lived that way for decades and was happy, or at least content for the most part. But by making it the default relationship style, as our society has, we have let monogamy become toxic in our society (to the point that some places make non-monogamy illegal and punishable).

Towards the end of my marriage, and post my divorce, I myself became a victim of this toxicity too. I was shamed, ridiculed and berated for even contemplating the idea of polyamory, and after my divorce, this didn’t stop. I am a man who has vowed to live freely and not let fear or external pressures dictate or control my life and so I’ve been open about my polyamory with friends, family and at work. This led to me being sued in family court by my ex-wife in her attempts to force me to keep polyamory itself, and my practice of it a secret from our son. I refused to be suppressed, and so I fought-back and won, fair-and-square, but this has driven me to take it further and come-out in support of others who might be in the same position. As part of that, I do everything I can to help those who explore non-monogamy.

The work I do with others exposes me to a lot of this toxicity, and while I can’t change the whole world, it is important to me to call it out when I see it. Toxic monogamy is extremely pervasive in our culture, and we see it everywhere. So much so, that many of us think of it as normal or even “good” (as in, if someone is acting this way, it’s a sign of “true” love or of good character). Our language is packed with notions, tropes, jokes and expressions that epitomize it, and these are also hammered into our collective consciousness and perpetuated by the media. For example if you said, or heard, people saying stuff like:

• “You complete me”

• “I can’t live without you”

• “You have to fight for your love/relationship”

• “Happy wife, happy life”

These sort of notions are also the skeleton of nearly every romantic movie and even the classic wedding vows have the line “to have and to hold”, signifying that the spouses “own” each other. Even the word “husband” itself is derived from “bóndi” in Old Norse, meaning “owner”. In my native language Hebrew, the word for husband is “Baal”, which also literally means “owner”.

Toxic monogamy means that many of us are raised and taught the notion that one woman+one man is the only type of relationship that’s valid. Many people come to think of anything else as weird, disgusting or even illegal (**). Many monogamous people can’t fathom that it’s even possible to have a romantic relationship with another person without it being “cheating” or somehow immoral or unethical, even if it’s all done with full knowledge and consent of all parties. People who live by those toxic notions often use various tactics to stop others from engaging in non-monogamy, even if it’s absolutely none of their business (it is similar thought patterns that cause people to oppose gay relationships and marriage, which are also none of their business). This is even worse for people who are in a monogamous relationship and decide to explore non-monogamy. In such situations, it’s very common for their partners to employ a slew of abusive practices to try to forcibly keep the lid on the jar. They use tactics like guilt-trips, slut-shaming, threats and ultimatums to try to force their partners to abandon these ideas and stay the monogamy course. Many have threatened their partners with suicide, destructions (“I’ll bankrupt you in the divorce”) or even using children as collateral (“you’ll never see the kids again”). If the partner persists in their pursuits of non-monogamy, their partner will often turn to various revenge tactics, from simple public-shaming (like my former GF’s husband, who called all their friends to get her ostracized and isolated) to elaborate lawsuits like the one I dealt with. And the worst part of is that many people consider these tactics and actions completely legitimate and even positive in some twisted way.

** Non-monogamy itself is not against the law, but most governments have made marrying multiple people a misdemeanor or felony, punishable by up to 3 years prison in some jurisdictions. In the United States military, a soldier can be prosecuted for any non-monogamy (“cheating”) and face up to a year in jail and a dishonorable discharge. I find it insane that a government not only meddles in people’s love life, but might actually incarcerate them for it. There are also many businesses that apply and enforce a morality clause, which allows them to fire an employee that engages in activity the business consider “immoral”. Those types of businesses, usually religious organizations, often act against people who engage in non-monogamy, as well as the LGBTQ lifestyle.

When consulting others, it’s important for me to not meddle or influence people, and so I generally provide information, but try to avoid expressing an opinion. If someone shares that their partner doesn’t want them to be non-monogamous, I suggest ways of broaching the subject, or ways to negotiate it, but I won’t tell them what to do or not. However, sometimes I encounter incidents where people face action or language that is so over-the-line, that I struggle to remain silent. Let me be clear about this: anyone has the right to feel jealous, frustrated or angry, but NO ONE has the right to act on these emotions and commit abuse. This includes any and all terrorist tactics (tactics aimed at causing someone to act or change-course due to fear, pain, sadness or stress). Admittedly, there’s sometimes a fine-line between convincing and threatening, but in toxic-monogamy situations, people say stuff that’s SO harsh, that there’s really no room for a misunderstanding. If your partner says stuff like “You’re destroying our marriage”, “you’re tearing this family apart”, “You never really loved me”, “How can you do this to me?” (Or to the kids), “What kind of person does that?”….those are all tropes designed to coerce, and that’s NOT OK, no matter what the intention or motivation is. It doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t love you, but your desire to change the framework doesn’t mean you don’t love them either. There’s an old expression “If you love someone, let them go”, and that’s the epitome of a healthy relationship. To really love someone is to respect their wishes, even if that leads to the end of the relationship (**). It is to act selflessly and be supportive of your partner, even if the outcome is against your own preferences.

** And it doesn’t HAVE to. While monogamy and polyamory are contradictory by nature, opening-up a relationship doesn’t mean it has to end. Many people who practice monogamy can’t tolerate the thought of their partner loving or having sex with someone else, and it’s programming that’s difficult to uproot. But those who are able to “take a breath” often discover that having their partner spend an evening or two a week with someone else not only doesn’t mean doom, but also often injects life into the relationship. This is one of the reasons that the polyamory movement has become so prevalent in recent years.

The bottom line here is that no matter what I say, toxic monogamy is highly embedded in our culture, and it’s not going anywhere. Polyamory has had immense growth, but most people still live the monogamy life and continue to harbor and develop those toxic notions of control and emotional terrorism. Hopefully, seeing this will help some folks realize what it is and be able to break-free, rather than succumb to it and stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy, or suffocates them. And maybe their abusers will see this and be reminded that love doesn’t justify abusing your partner, and find a way to have a monogamous relationship without resorting to torture. Maybe.