When discussing
polyamory, it seems a common thing a lot of people think is that all
polyamorous relationships are “doomed to fail”. Are they really?
Let’s start by defining
what is a failure. Probably most people will agree that a relationship that
ends within a few weeks is a failure. That’s simple. What if the relationships
lasts 30 years? According to the rules of monogamy, as explicitly stated in
various marriage ceremonies and vows, a relationship is “till death do us
part”. This suggests that even if a couple is married for 40 years and divorces
at age 60, that relationship is a failure. If that’s what you believe, then I
would have to agree that the majority of relationships are doomed to fail…but
that would apply to ALL relationships. As is well known, many marriages end in
divorce (*), but if you count relationships that don’t end up in marriage
(research suggests men have an average of 6 relationships and women 5 before
they get married), the reality is that at least 90% of monogamous relationships
don’t last forever. If you consider the number of relationships that don’t
dissolve but still have other major failures, such as cases where one or both partners
cheat on each other, and cases where the couple avoids divorce for some
technical reason and remain “together” but either without love, sex or both,
then the number is probably much higher.
I think a more realistic
way to consider success or failure is using a range of 3-4 years, and that
would apply not just to the length of a marriage, but rather to the length of
the entire relationship, from dating to separation or divorce. Indeed, many
polyamorous don’t last that long. Many dissolve or fizzle out after a few
months or a year, but many of them go way father. While statistics aren’t
available regarding averages, since polyamory research is in its infancy, I
have personally met dozens of people who have enjoyed long-term poly
relationships. Some have been in them for a decade or even more. Ultimately,
polyamory is not magic…people are flawed and make mistakes, and the same
challenges that cause some people to be lousy at monogamous relationships can
make them louse at poly. However, polyamory does offer a much more flexible and
laid-back framework for relationships, which can alleviate some of the
stress-factors that make long-term monogamous life difficult. For example,
polyamorous couples often times don’t co-habitate, and cohabitation is a major stress
factor. By not being ‘required’ to live together, many relationships are more
natural and healthy. Based on my own experience and evidence, I believe the
actual success/failure rates of polyamorous relationships is quite similar to
that of monogamous relationships, but I also see much more happiness and sense
of completeness within poly couples.
The bottom line is that
truly, most relationships, monogamous or polyamorous, are doomed to fail. Most
of us are aware that any relationship we enter may not work out, but we still
do it, because as the old quote from Alfred Lord Tennyson goes "'tis
better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”. Many of the
things we do won’t last forever, and that in itself is no reason to avoid them.
Would you not take a job just because you could get fired? Would you avoid
buying a house just because you might someday be unable to afford it, or want
something better? Of course not. Love and relationships are a journey to be
enjoyed, not a target to be conquered, and a polyamorous relationship, whether
it last a year or a decade could be a tremendous adventure! Try one today!
