Being a better lover

I’ve been on the fence about publishing this ever since I wrote it, almost two years ago. Over the years, I’ve heard over and over, from many women I’ve been with, that I was a very good lover, and some have even given higher praise. Many have asked me for my guidance, thoughts or tips. However, I realize how arrogant and off-putting it is when a CIS man comes out publicly like this in what can be perceived as “touting my own horn”. I realize that many women who might read this might think negatively of me, and I’m publishing this at the risk of being shunned by many, so I’ll be brutally honest and transparent: I do NOT have a big dick, I do NOT “get laid” a lot and when I do have penetrative sex, I do NOT last for hours. In the realm of “fucking”, I’m probably below-average, and in fact, this is the main reason I worked hard on developing the skills I do have, which I will discuss here. The reason I’m publishing this is because as a leader in the community, I see a lot of people who, inspired by porn, think the only or best way to be a good lover is to grow the longest penis possible, or train themselves to be able to go in-and-out for hours without finishing (this is why penis-pumps, delay-sprays and “big erection” pills top the sale charts for men still today). And I also have to say, of course, that some of these men are right: some women do only care about those two things (deeper and longer penetration). However, for the majority of men and women, here are my tips and ideas on being the best lover one can be (in the physical sense at least; I will explore other aspects another time).

The short answer is CUNNILINGUS. I’ve learned early on (age 23, 25 years ago) that the vast majority of women cannot climax from penetration (or penetration alone at least), no matter how well you do it or what equipment you carry. Most of them enjoy it, but THE main female sexual organ is the clitoris, and paying the right attention to it is key. Famed comedians Key & Peele discussed it in their sketch “Cunnilingus Class”, and while it is made to be funny, it is also quite on-point and covers a lot of ground in only 3 minutes, so if time is of the essence, go check it out (YouTube). Cunnilingus shouldn’t be an after-thought, an appetizer, foreplay or a quick treat. It is the main course and should be something every human being should practice to perfection. Cunnilingus should be “on the table” every time, even during the menstrual period (even on day-1!). Yeah, I know it doesn’t always smell great, but men’s groins aren’t a bed of roses either, yet most men expect to get oral anyway. As I often say ‘If you can’t take her onions, you don’t deserve her honey’.

And the longer answer:

The 1st notion is to start BEFORE you start. I’m certainly not the 1st to note the significance of foreplay, but make no mistake about it: it’s not optional, and for most women, it’s much more important than the sex itself. If you are a normal human being, you should enjoy it a lot, but even if not, do it and don’t skimp or be in a hurry to move forward. Do plenty of hugging and kissing, and don’t rush your way towards “intimate” areas. Something that can be amazing is ASMR (Autonomous sensory meridian response), which is our body’s response to stimulation in the sides and back of the neck and ears. Just moving your face close to that area can often be enough to “turn on” most people, and a gentle touch or soft sounds (like tiny kissing sounds or gentle lip and tongue movement sounds) can bring very high levels of stimulation. This is even more arousing if you approach your partner slowly from behind (with her knowledge and consent!) and do this. Let me frame it differently: you can achieve more arousal with 5 minutes of foreplay and ASMR than with 15 minutes of downstairs work.

The 2nd “tip” is LISTEN. This refers to both listening to what your partner says (what they like, what they want, how they are feeling), and what kind of response they have to what you do. The world would be better if you could get real-time verbal directions, but usually, all we have are sounds, and often, those are subtle (so doing it to loud music is usually not very conductive, at least until you are very familiar with your partner). Try different things, like different speeds, different levels of pressure, different movement patterns, and different placements (directly on the clitoris vs above or below it). As you try, listen to the response and LEARN (as in, commit to memory what you did that led to a better response). Keep in mind that most people take a while to climax even when the stimulation is perfect, so unless it’s clearly not working (“bad” sounds or response), give it at least a few minutes before trying something else. For many, consistency is critical (doing the exact same thing for 10-20 minutes, or even longer), while for others, alternating every few seconds is better. LISTEN & LEARN.

The 3rd tip is POINTS OF STIMULATION, a.k.a. “erogenous zones”. We all have many of these all over our body, and while the Clitoris is a DUH, stimulating other points can be helpful, especially in tandem. We are limited in what we can do with our bodies, because people only have 2 hands, but try to make the most of it. For example, cunnilingus from below allows you to reach up and stimulate one or even both nipples (). If your partner likes vaginal stimulation, you can use a finger or two, and for some women, a finger near or inside the anus can be another POS (). Using a toy or implement can add another POS or two, like nipple clamps or vibrating cock-ring (which can be worn on your finger). Our other senses are also a POS, so certain deodorant or cologne can increase arousal too (even just being bathed, clean, shaved and groomed adds a lot). With practice and patience, one person can “activate” as many as 5 or 6 POS at the same time (although keeping that up for more than a few minutes can be challenging) and with that level of arousal, most women would be climaxing in mere minutes.

For both those two things, listening is also key. Talk to your partner to find out if that “works” for them, and what level of energy or action is OK or not. This is critical because many women prefer we stay FAR away from their ass.

A 4th point to keep in mind is to be consistently INCONSISTENT. While men tend to be very consistent with their arousal, many women do not, and so humility is important. Just because what you know worked on other women before, doesn’t mean you’re a shoe-in, and even if you delivered amazing orgasms to this specific partner for years using one way doesn’t mean they cannot change. So tip no. 2 above is ALWAYS important….you always have to listen and be willing to adjust and learn, and try new/different things. I’ve been doing this for 25 years and I always come-up with new things to try. Not many people are capable of this level of dialog, but having a conversation after-sex to learn what was good and what wasn’t is super helpful for future get-togethers.

Another idea (no. 5), which might sound crazy, but will definitely make you a better lover, is to try to PUT-AWAY your own orgasm. My rule of thumb is “if she doesn’t cum, I don’t either”, and while there’s some flexibility there with my regular partners (sometimes they don’t, sometimes I don’t, and over time it balances out), it’s very important to me when starting relationships. It builds trust, earns respect, and creates a solid foundation for a long-term relationship. And of course, even if I’m super-aroused, we all know I can get myself off in about 30 seconds once we go our separate ways, and there’s nothing wrong with that (many women would see that as a compliment even). The biggest downfall to all relationships is selfishness, so if you can conquer that, you are on the right track to being a better lover and better person.

The final tip (6) is to remember that while the erogenous zones become super sensitive after climax for the majority of people, this is also precisely the right time for AFFIRMATION. Hold her, hug her, be close and intimate even more than before. Those are the moments that cement the relationship and where it can turn from just sex into a real connection. If you turn-over and fall asleep, or choose this moment to go take a shower, that’s a high risk of losing her forever, but a long embrace is what could make it into a long-lasting relationship. Even if it’s hot and you’re both sweaty and sticky, the least you should do is do a “face hug” (touching cheek-to-cheek, or place your hand on the side of her neck…some kind of touch that shows you ARE HERE).

ADVANCED TIP: Try "face-sitting" at least once (cunnilingus with you laying down, and the female crouching on your face). This gives the woman more control over placement and pressure, and in my experience, leads to the best orgasms BY FAR. This also often leads to squirting, if that's something you like, though in that position, dealing with that outcome can be tricky to some people.

To conclude, I have to say again that ultimately, people are not machines, and nothing I said here is universal. There are plenty of women who just want to get rammed long and hard by enormous cocks. There are plenty who just want to get straight to fucking. There are people who are too-sensitive around their neck or other body parts, and people who are turned-off by certain colognes. There are plenty who would want nothing more than you GONE the second they climax. I hope any of the women who have different preference than some of the things I listed above don’t find this offensive and understand that my goal here is to guide mis-guided or inexperienced people into being a more considerate, caring and invested lovers. Please feel free to share any respectful thoughts, tips or suggestions of your own in the comments, for the benefit of mankind.