A friend recently lamented to me, saying he regretted letting his wife get some piercing that ended with an infection. Unpleasant turn of events. My friend’s point of view was that due to his commitment to protecting his wife, he thought he should have prevented her from doing the piercing, thus preventing the bad outcome. This scenario happens a lot, with some people letting their loved ones do something (and sometimes regretting it), and others preventing their loved ones from doing something.
If this sounds familiar, or if the idea of letting or not letting sounds like something you might have done, do or might do…here’s a thought for you. “Letting” sounds like a benign word/concept, but it’s actually an act of control. Letting someone do something implies you might not-let them do so, and even if your intentions are good and you do this to protect them, this is still controlling and not OK.
Granted, there are scenarios that are OK. If you are legally in charge of someone, like a parent, boss or a dom in a dom/sub relationship, then it might be your place to let or not-let your person do something. But in all other symmetric (equal) relationships, it is no one’s place to dictate or control what the other is doing, no matter how good the intention is. Providing advice, feedback, info is good and reasonable. A certain amount of persuasion if the risk is significant might also be OK, but as long as your actions and/or words don’t take away the other person’s agency.
This can get quite philosophical when highly critical issues are at stake. For example, if your partner wants to take their own life, or do something that is exceptionally high-risk, like BASE jump off an office building. Is it OK to not-let them do it then? It’s a tough one, but when I found myself in a similar situation a few years ago, my answer was to be as-supportive as I can be, but not in a controlling fashion. That was when a friend asked me to teach them how to use a gun, and when we met at the range, I could see in his eyes that he wanted this knowledge so he could buy one and shoot himself. I loved that man very much and last thing I wanted was him gone, but I felt the right thing to do was to influence him with love, not by force. I confessed to him that I dealt with depression for many years, and I know all about this. I never tried to push or steer him, just reminded him that most problems have solutions and offered to help. He ended up changing his mind and he’s still around today. I don’t know what I would have felt had he gone ahead and taken his life (his depression stemmed from being of conservative background, and facing a failed marriage to a nasty and controlling wife), but I’m glad I never had to find out.
I hope no one reading this ever has to face this decision. Everyone who ever had REAL responsibility knows that it sometimes means having to stand-by and watch someone do something stupid of bad. Might be your child hooking up with a person you know will disappoint them, or making a job/career/financial choice that will end in pain or misery. If you ever feel the desire or need to control someone, try thinking back about your own past or history. Think about a time when someone else let or prevented you from doing something. I’m sure you’ll remember how bad it feels to be controlled like that (even if that led to a positive outcome). When facing the same situation from the other side, this is your chance to learn, evolve, grow. The best things in life will come your way when you relinquish control, not when you take it. Instead of letting…let go.
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