Many good souls ask for my thoughts or advice about transitioning their monogamous relationship into an open relationship of some kind (which could be polyamory, but also other varieties I deal with). I don’t proclaim to have all the answers, and there’s certainly way more than one way to do things. However, there is one thing that I believe is a fundamental thing, and I keep seeing evidence that shows it’s the right philosophy. The way I see it, people should try to accept that our world is chaotic and that the vast majority of us are just a leaf on the wind. We have little knowledge or control of what happens around us, and accepting it is, in my opinion, a key to being happier and having more successful relationships, particularly in the poly world.
People who transition to open relationships usually are afraid of losing what they perceive as control of the situation (which itself is an illusion that monogamy "sells"). Driven by fear of losing control, or losing their partner, they look for ways (consciously or subconsciously) to know what their partners is doing or might do. Will they fall in love with someone? Will they have sex with them? Will they want to leave and be with the new person? Will the life they built together fall apart?
Yeah, that's scary shit, and so people often deal with that by trying to make rules to keep a grip on things. For example: "You can't start dating another person without telling (or asking) first" or "you can only date up to X number of new people in a given period" or even the more problematic "you can have sex, but can't fall in love".
However, they soon discover that this doesn't work. Even if their partner is actually capable of following whatever rules they have (which is rare), they still feel they are losing their grip, and their partner always feels afraid (of unintentionally breaking the rules, or being "caught" and "punished" for doing so). They themselves never gain back that comfortable "certainty" that monogamy offers (in quotes, because the reality is, most people don't actually feel it at all).
The way I practice love, and other things, is based on the old saying "if you love someone, let them go". This does not mean “go away” as some interpret it, but “set them free”, which is how it’s phrased in some places. Yes, not knowing what your partner is doing or might do is scary, but we need to learn to live with some uncertainty. Giving someone freedom is the only way to really keep them around. The full saying is “If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” Because the less restrictive and controlling we are, the more people stick around. And if they don't, then they would have left anyway sooner or later, and that is more likely to be with more bitterness, frustration, anger, etc.
This, by the way, goes for other relationships, because the need to be in control, and the need to break out of control, is universal to almost all people. Parents who try to control their children often find themselves alienated later in life, and even some employers (most notably in the tech sector) realize that the more freedom you give your employees, the more they’ll stick around and do better at their jobs. The COVID pandemic has put this to the test for many people and employers as well. Pretty much everyone had the desire to work from home full-time, which made quite a few employers and bosses itchy. “Can we trust out employees to be productive even when not being constantly watched?” “Are they going to be as loyal and reachable?”. Some employers did the panic thing and tried to maintain control and order in various ways, from requiring daily ‘check in’ emails to writing-up complicated and detailed policies and rules. However, with COVID, employers didn’t really have much of a choice than to let most employees work remotely (and those who didn’t found themselves facing empty rooms, as many of their people quit). The results has proven to be very successful, with the vast majority of companies and people working flawlessly and achieving similar levels of performance to what they had before the plague. To me, this is strong proof that the best way is to accept the chaos and trust people. If you are one who struggles with letting go, going poly is not going to be easy, but if you are successful in learning this skill, I’m confident you will have a better life.
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