What’s LOVE got to do with it?

As an American and Sex-positive person, a topic I ran across often is that of LOVE. In the Vanilla world, most people have many hang-ups on love, which often leads to problems. For example, people who begin a romantic relationship develop love to their partner at some point, but are often afraid to say it, because many think there should be a certain period of time before love can happen. Due to this “warming period”, many fear that if they say it too early, their partner would freak-out and potentially break-up with them. Another concern is the mutual aspect of love…what if I say it, but my partner isn’t ready to? What if my partner says it but I don’t feel that way just yet?

One of the reasons this type of fear and resulting paralysis exists is due to the link between love and marriage that is the staple of Monogamy. For many (maybe even most) people who are monogamous, you only love someone that is your permanent partner, and if you are not SURE that the relationship is forever, you shouldn’t feel it, let-alone SAY it.

Another aspect of this is the fact that the word love is way too small to describe the huge range, scope, depth and types of emotions we actually feel. You use the same word to describe your excitement about pepperoni pizza and your affection towards a person you might spend the rest of your life with, and that leads to a lot of confusion and concern. When I say “I love you”, does that mean that I just feel good being with you, or does it mean that I want to spend the rest of my life with you? And if I’m unsure…should I still say it?

In the sex-positive world, however, things are often-times different. Generally speaking, we avoid living our lives and doing things based on arbitrary rules set by society. We sometimes have sex before the 3^rd date, we sometimes become boyfriend/girlfriend with someone even though we have other relationships, and yes…we feel love and express it as early as we want, rather than avoiding the word until it is “appropriate”. Similarly, we don’t lose our shit if someone says it after only knowing us for a relatively-short period of time. While saying “I love you” after knowing a person for 10 minutes is still a bit extreme, we also recognize that it’s possible to get to know a person enough to love them after a few days, or even hours. We also know that there’s nothing wrong with feeling it for a partner when they take longer to feel that way.

If you are reading this looking for advice on breaching that topic with your partner, I’m not sure I have a clear one-for-all answer, but the key to this, like any other relationship matter, is communication. Rather than dance-around the subject out of fear of rejection, open a conversation on the topic of “what is love”, to try to understand how your partner defines it. You can ask questions like “how long do you think it could or should take for someone to feel love towards someone else” or “with your previous partners, how long was it until you felt you loved them”. You can also suggest to your partner to read this very article. Ultimately, I can’t predict how things would go, but it’s important to keep in mind that emotional maturity, which typically includes the ability to understand and express one’s emotions better and clearer, is very important for a successful relationships. If your partner or yourself are struggling with these topics, I would strongly advise working on them, both individually and as a couple, so that decisions and actions either of you take come from the best place (as in, from love, rather than fear).

Three’s NOT a company

One of the best things about the sex-positive lifestyle is that it opens the door to sexual adventures with more than one partner at the same time…commonly known as threesomes. A good threesome is an amazing experience that can be far more rich and fulfilling than just “good sex”, but it can also be daunting to the less experienced. If having a threesome has been added your “menu” recently, but you are not sure how or where to start, here are some tips and thoughts!

One challenge with a threesome is that there are many options and combinations, each with its own considerations, upsides and downsides. Maybe you are a man and two women…maybe a woman with two men. Maybe three men or women! Perhaps you are a couple adding a 3^rd person to the equation, or just 3  friends who want to have an adventure (and of course, there is always the possibility of a foursome or more). For this reason, there’s really no single “right” way to do it, and there’s no one-size-fits-all. However, there are things you can do to make it easier and better.

Who is the boss

Some people are natural leaders in the bedroom, and others are followers. This is usually discovered early on in a couple’s dynamic, but can be more complicated in a threesome. For example, if a dominant person enters a threesome with a couple (one of which would usually be more dominant than the other), it could cause a conflict or dissatisfaction. If the new person is a natural dominant, their instinct might push the dominant person in the couple aside, making them frustrated, angry or worse. On the other hand, it could be the opposite, with the new person being pushed or forced to change from being a leader to being led, making them uneasy. One way to tackle this challenge is to have a heart-to-heart talk beforehand, try to understand the dynamic and tendencies of each participant, and consider whether this would work. In other words, if it turns out two of the participants are strong leaders, there’s a bigger chance of problems, and this requires better planning. In some circumstances, it might even be better to avoid the threesome altogether for this specific trio of people.

Another way in is to start slowly is with the pre-existing couple having sex, with the 3^rd person being only an observer (at least initially). This can give them a chance to examine the dynamics and see how they can fit into it. Another advantage of this is that it allows the 3^rd person to learn what the couple enjoys and how (penetration? Cunnilingus? Fellatio? Something else?)

Atmosphere

Setting a positive environment is always important, but even more so for group sex. Things like Music and lighting quickly come to mind, but other things are also important. For one, distractions are always a mood killer, so trying to go at it with the kids playing in the next room has a high risk of turning into a misadventure. Another consideration is a good playing field, so a king-size bed would make for a much better experience than a twin. Buying a new bed may not be an option for some, but you could consider getting a hotel room for your first time (another thought about this is that a firm mattress is more conductive to the multiple bodies and moving around compared to a soft one). Not directly related to the atmosphere, but still an important thing to do is prepare “accessories” – condoms, lube and tissues are pretty much a must-have for most people, and you might also want to have massage oil, towels, bath-robes and cold drinks. If one or more of you are particularly tense, a drink or two beforehand could be useful (maybe Pot as well, if it’s legal where you reside), but be careful to avoid consuming too much. You probably don’t want to black-out and forget the adventure, or throw up in the middle of it…right?

How to begin

Starting off can be super awkward for a new threesome. While a couple typically has a pre-established way of going at-it, having the 3^rd person can make the entire thing feel forced. As always, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution to this, but I recommend starting with a massage. A massage is pleasant, non-threatening, and can be completely non-sexual, so it’s a good way to establish physical contact that’s not embarrassing or weird. Also, most people have two hands, so one partner can massage the two others simultaneously. You can massage the two other partners’ shoulders from behind, with both of them lying on the bed, or sitting on a couch, or even standing up, and slowly progress to touch more intimate parts.

Another good way to start is kissing the side of the neck near the ears, while making “kissing” noises (gentle lip-smacking) and breathing audibly. This triggers something known as ASMR (Autonomous sensory meridian response), which is a tingling, often-times euphoric sensation in the area. For most people, this is a major turn-on that’s almost impossible to resist and can jumpstart the encounter almost instantly (It’s also useful in jumpstarting a regular romantic/sexual encounter, assuming there is consent and at least a rudimentary level of interest by both partners). Since the touched-partner would have their back turned to you at this point, you can use this to invite the other partner to join in with a gesture or an inviting glance and things should progress instinctually from there.

Boundaries

If the threesome is a MFM (male-female-male) or FMF (female-male-female), then one or more of the participants may not be bi-sexual, which could make things difficult. For this reason, it’s important to know ahead of time what is the status of each partner. This is also a good time to discover and discuss other boundaries, as well as turn-ons and turns off. For example, Anal sex is highly desirable by most men, but both men and women often hate (or even fear) having their ass penetrated or even touched. Another sensitive topic is tickling – it’s better to find out someone is ticklish beforehand, rather than finding out by getting an involuntary kick to the face.

Communications

Talking during sex is something many people can’t wrap their head-around….or simply unable to do. This is normal and understandable, so to make things work better, you can try to figure out some way to deliver a message without talking. For example, you can agree beforehand that squeezing the left hand means “faster” or “stronger” and right hand “slower” or “gentler”. This may take some time to practice (both “giving” and “receiving” the signal), but it could make a huge difference.

Open mind

If you are reading this, chances are you are already quite open-minded, which is a fundamental requirement for having a threesome. However, the horizon of sexual adventures is as wide as the world itself, and there’s a chance your partners are into something you’ve never heard of, or are not open-minded about. This is a chance to practice expanding one’s tolerance, and learning new things. However, if there are things that sound sick or disgusting to you, make sure you discuss that with your partners, or consider avoiding a threesome with partners who are far more adventurous than yourself.

The next level

Had a good threesome? Maybe it’s time to start thinking of expanding further into foursomes or more. On one hand, adding more people makes for a more complex equation (more things to be careful-about, more potential leadership conflict), but on the other hand, more partners means more variety and a potential for more pleasure. My advice is to be open to experimentation, but also be patient and wait with expanding the group until you feel confident that your threesomes are working real well.

See you on the mattress!

Monogamy 101

As someone with a lot of experience in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships, a lot of folks ask me for advice. I felt it was a good idea to put some important things in writing, so others can benefit from it. The most important thing about relationships is RULES. Without rules, there’s no way for you to control what your partner does, and if there’s no control, there’s chaos, which no one likes. Here are some of the principals and rules that govern serious relationships.

1.      Eternal Love

The most important thing in life is TRUE love, while any other love is fleeting and meaningless. True love is forever, and is critical to any relationship. You must make sure your partner has true love for you, and look for any sign that their love is false. One way to check the status is to test what your partner would be willing to do for you. If they aren’t willing to give anything and everything for you, including their own life, then this is a clear indication that this isn’t true love. Other ways to check is to verify that your partner remembers any and every piece of information you have ever given to them, from your favorite soda to your parents’ birthdays. If the partner cannot be bothered to memorize information about you, then they are just wasting your time. An extremely dangerous warning sign is if your partner is late to a date or event, as this clearly demonstrates that other things are of more importance to them.

2.      Interacting with others:

Any interaction your partner has with a person of the opposite gender is dangerous, because people are always attracted to people of the opposite gender without exception. If there is any interaction, either in-person or on the internet, your partner will inevitably fall in love with that person. Naturally, that also means the other person is attracted to your partner, and will make a move to steal them from you. This will be followed, of course, by your partner cheating on you with that person, and eventually leave you for them. In addition, an important part of true love is complete dedication, so if your partner is unwilling to let go of previous relationships completely (both romantic and social), it means you are only their part-time partner, which is useless. If you are a particularly kind and patient person, you might allow your partner to interact with friends of the same gender, as long as that interaction is short and infrequent (up to 3 hours, and up to once a week) and is for a specific purpose, such as a sports game or a birthday celebration. If the meeting is with more than 2 people, it is of particular risk, as people cannot be trusted when in a group.

3.      Sexual behavior.

Your partner can only be sexually attracted to one person, so if they watch porn, it means they are no longer attracted to you. If your partner masturbates, either with or without porn, it means they are no longer interested in having sex with you, and are replacing you with the masturbation as a temporary step before replacing you completely with another lover. Similarly, if your partner’s desire to have sex with you declines, it is the beginning of the end of your relationship. Always be on the lookout for symptoms of this, such as the partner viewing photos of others on their phone or computer, or them interacting with other people more than is required for day-to-day things. Of special danger is co-workers, as those are always looking for romance in the office. If at any point your partner does not report their whereabouts to you for a period of over 30 minutes, it means they are either dead, or cheating on you, so their schedule and location must be tracked carefully and meticulously.

4.      Escalation

A relationship must constantly escalate towards marriage. If your partner doesn’t convey their true love for you both verbally and with actions with increasing frequency and intensity, then it’s not true love. The path towards marriage is as follows:

1.      Casual dating

2.      Sexual activity

3.      Exclusive dating (within 1 month)

4.      Moving-in together (within 3 months)

5.      Engagement (within 2 years)

6.      Marriage (within 3 years)

All the above must happen within the specific timeframes listed above. Any deviation from this, up or down, is a huge red flag and is a high predictor for the ultimate doom of the relationship.

5.      Marriage

Marriage is the ultimate goal of any relationship, so it’s critical to pave the path towards it and follow it precisely. If your partner doesn’t want to get married within 3 years of starting to date, this indicates they are immature, and that the relationship was just a sham and is destined to end shortly. If your partner is going to marry you, they must prove their seriousness by committing the appropriate financial resources, which would be an engagement ring costing at least the equivalent to your partner’s income over 3 months. Marriage is forever, of course, so when that goal has been reached, you are no longer required to maintain your health or appearance and can live happily ever-after with your partner.

Any deviation or failure by your partner to live by the above is proof that the love you have is not true love, and as such, it is completely empty and useless. If you ever find out that your love is such and that your relationship was a waste of time, you must sever the relationship immediately, while making sure to illustrate to your partner what a shameful failure they are at relationships. It is a shame, of course, as finding a better partner could take a while, but that is the price we sometimes have to pay for true love.

The above is, of course, a work of satire, reflecting the absurd ways relationships are portrayed in the media and popular culture. Unfortunately, many people buy into this portrayal, and attempt to run their own relationships following such or similar “rules”, and that very often leads to disappointment, heartbreak and suffering. If you are one of the people who feel that love must be governed by strict rules, you are setting yourself and your partners up for failures, because the human heart has a mind of its own (as the saying goes 'the heart wants what the heart wants'). It’s reasonable to set some expectations and boundaries, but the more strict the rules are, the more likely you or your partner are to break one and suffer some consequences. Similarly, the more rigid you or your partner are about these and unable to understand the basic concept of human beings, the less likely your relationships will be turbulent or worse.

Heart condition

Yesterday, my Girlfriend broke up with me. For most people, this article would have been a sob-story, full of drama, fire and pain. For me, however, it's quite the opposite of that.

My girl C and I have been a couple for just a hair over a year. We met when we both swiped each other on Tinder, had a couple of lunch dates, and things progressed nicely from there. Other than both of us being members of the Polyamory and Kink communities, we also both liked weapons and firearms, we had similar taste in foods, and much more. During our time as polygamous partners, we went out, stayed-in, had sex, done some kinky stuff, went to community parties, cuddled, went to the range, and a plethora of other things other romantic partners do. However, a few weeks ago, I started feeling C was getting somewhat distant. I knew some of the reasons for it, but all I could do was be as supportive as I can, and hope for the best. I was able to resist the urge to "dig" into it, because I felt being pushy wouldn't make anything better, esp. since C is a strong and independent woman who doesn't appreciate pressure. Yesterday we met for lunch, during which C told me she needs to break up with me. We discussed it, and parted ways as friends. While I can't say I'm happy about the split, I do feel pretty good about how it went. C was honest, open and respectful, and the entire thing went on without any drama or fire. I will miss her, and I suspect she will miss me, but ultimately, I love her enough to put her needs above mine and let go without anger or resentment. Most relationships run their course at some point, and in the world of polyamory, we learn to accept that, and deal with it like adults. C was smart enough to recognize where the relationship was, and act on it in a respectful manner, rather than ignore it and let it rot or explode, and for that, I'm proud of her and love her.

Beyond my personal story here, this is a good chance to discuss this side of polyamory. As I said, most relationships run their course at some point. Sometimes that takes a few weeks, sometimes a few months, and sometimes years. For people in monogamous relationships, this idea usually involves a sense of doom…at least for one side. If your relationship ends, you are ALONE, which can be terrifying for a lot of people. HOW will you find someone else? WHEN will you find someone else? Some even fear that they will never find someone else. These concerns, in addition to the simple fact that you love your partner can cause people to hold-on to relationships desperately, even when it's glaringly obvious that it's over. It's not unusual to see people beg and plead their partners to stay, break-down in tears, make grand gestures or promises, and in some cases, even threats of harming their partners or themselves.

All the above are very unpleasant and are a good example of one of the worst things about Monogamy. In the world of polyamory, things are often different. This is not always the case, of course, and losing a partner is still unpleasant to say the least, but it rarely descents into such dark territory for numerous reasons. The main reason is that in Polyamory, the definition of a relationship is much less strict than in monogamy, and that means that a separation is not always a "break up" per-se, but rather just a change to the relationship. It can be a change to the frequency of seeing each other, a change to the inclusion of sex in the relationship, a change to the definition of the relationship, and these changes don't always have to be a binary "all" or "none". For example, in the case of myself and C, we will certainly see each other at community events, and probably get a meal together now and then. We might even have Sex or do a BDSM scene together, so I'm not "losing" her…just having less of her. Because of this, there was no reason to hold-on to the relationship desperately, and so we can change it now, rather than the common practice in Monogamy of ending a relationship only when it's literally impossible (for at least one side) to sustain it anymore. On the same notion, since we still care and respect each other, the change to the relationship doesn't come with any anger or resentment. She didn't "dump" me and I didn't "give up" on her. We just changed things when the time was right.

Another reason why this is an event and not a catastrophe is that both she and I have other partners. I have a boyfriend and several girlfriends, so I'm far from alone. My other partners will probably be happy to have more of my time (and if not…my dirty dishes will!) and they will support and nurture me through this. Similarly, I'm sure C and her other partners will be totally fine.

So yes…I will miss C, and I would have preferred to stay BF/GF, but our split isn't earth shattering or tragic, and while I'm somewhat sad and quieter than usual, I'm not broken-up or suffering. If you are new to polyamory, or thinking about it, I hope the above can illustrate and guide your experience and expectations. This is the embodiment of the polyamory philosophy.

What’s LOVE got to do with it?

As an American and Sex-positive person, a topic I ran across often is that of LOVE. In the Vanilla world, most people have many hang-ups on love, which often leads to problems. For example, people who begin a romantic relationship develop love for their partner at some point, but are often afraid to say it, because many think that love can only develop at a certain pace. Due to this "warming period", many fear that if they say it too early, their partner would freak-out and potentially break-up with them. Another concern is the mutual aspect of love…what if I say it, but my partner isn't ready to? What if my partner says it but I don't feel that way just yet?

One of the reasons this type of fear and resulting paralysis exists is due to the link between love and marriage that is the staple of Monogamy. For most people who are monogamous, you only love someone that is your permanent partner, and if you are not SURE that the relationship is forever, you shouldn't feel it, let-alone SAY it.

Another aspect of this is the fact that the word love is way too small to describe the huge range, scope, depth and types of emotions human beings actually feel. You use the same word to describe your excitement about pepperoni pizza and your affection towards a person you might spend the rest of your life with, and that leads to a lot of confusion and concern. When I say "I love you", does that mean that I just feel good being with you, or does it mean that I want to spend the rest of my life with you? And if I'm unsure…should I still say it?

In the sex-positive world, however, things are different. Generally speaking, we avoid living our lives and doing things based on arbitrary rules set by society. We sometimes have sex before the 3rd date, we sometimes become boyfriend/girlfriend with someone even though we have other relationships, and yes…we feel love and express it as early as we want, rather than avoiding the word until it is "appropriate". Similarly, we don't lose our shit if someone says it after only knowing us for a relatively-short period of time. While saying "I love you" after knowing a person for 10 minutes is still a bit extreme, we also recognize that it's possible to get to know a person enough to feel love for them after only a few days, or even hours. We also know that there's nothing wrong with feeling it for a partner even if they themselves take longer to feel that way.

If you are reading this looking for advice on breaching that topic with your partner, I'm not sure I have a clear one-for-all answer, but the key to this, like any other relationship matter, is communication. Rather than dance-around the subject out of fear of rejection, open a conversation on the topic of "what is love", to try to understand how your partner defines it. You can ask questions like "how long do you think it could or should take for someone to feel love towards someone else" or "with your previous partners, how long was it until you felt you loved them". You can also suggest to your partner to read this very article. Ultimately, I can't predict how things would go, but one thing to consider is whether a relationship with someone who is easy to freak-out about emotions is really viable. If they are so afraid of their feelings or commitment to be scared away, then perhaps both of you are better off with someone who has a closer match to your own level of emotional maturity and openness.

Love long...and prosper!

Love without rules

It’s hard to spend more than a few minutes in a kink party without hearing the word Polyamory. While Polyamory (or “Poly” for short) isn’t directly tied to Kink, they both are part of Sex-positive culture, and there’s a large overlap between people who are kinky and people who are poly, so I feel this blog is a good place to discuss it.

Polyamory literally means “multiple love”, but I feel the best way to describe it is that Polyamory is a life philosophy that says matters of the heart should not be dictated by arbitrary rules, nor should it be regulated by society or government. In other words, we should all be free to feel what we feel, rather than have those dictated, censored or regulated by others. What are these “rules” I’m talking about? Here are a few examples:

1.       Women shouldn’t ask men out

2.       When dating, people should only have sex after a 3^rd date

3.       The course of a romantic relationship is dating followed by engagement and then marriage for the rest of one’s life

4.       A woman should remain a virgin until she is legally married

5.       Every person has only one true love, and they need to find that person and marry them to be happy

And there are many others. If you are reading this blog, then you probably don’t agree with several or all of the above, but Polyamorous people not only disagree with the above, but adopt this philosophy as a lifestyle choice. While some polyamorists are so only in philosophy, many are actively poly, meaning their love and sex life is more diverse than monogamists. For one, poly embraces the notion that a person can love more than one other person romantically. While we all love more than one person non-romantically, polyamorists can have a romantic and/or sexual relationships with more than one partner, and that is only limited by their own choice. For example, a woman can have a husband, but also date others, or even have other boyfriends and girlfriends. These relationships can be more or less regular, with each person’s other life factors affecting things. For example, a person who has a busy career or many children may only have one day a week for dating. Another example is a person who has a partner that lives far away, and thus are only able to see each other once or twice a year. There are even fully romantic relationships where the partners rarely or even never actually meet in person, and those aren’t any less important than physical relationships. At the other end of that spectrum, there are polyamorous groups that spend years or even decades living together in a single home, sharing finances, responsibilities and their love for each other.

How can that be? Well, if you really believe in this philosophy, it can be quite wonderful. It allows people to really make the best of relationships, because it offers more flexibility to match each person’s lifestyle. For example, if one is a person who is very dedicated to his career and only has 1 or 2 nights a week for socializing, their partner can see other people during other nights, thereby not being lonely at other times. Similarly, if one is a big fan of hiking, but their partner isn’t, they can find another partner who is into that, and spend some time with them. The same goes for sexual compatibility. If one is a big fan of a type of sexual activity their partner prefers to avoid, they can find another partner that does favor it, thereby having better sexual fulfillment. For people who are Bi-Sexual, Polyamory is a big boone, as they can have a romantic and/or sexual relationships with a woman and man simultaneously (while Monogamy would force them to choose one or the other).

The notion of Polyamory seems new and radical to many people, but this is quite the opposite, actually. Having multiple partners is documented and portrayed throughout history, including multiple times in the bible (for example, Abraham, who had a wife and a concubine, and his grandson Jacob, who had 2 wives and a concubine). While most countries have legal restrictions against marrying more than one person, most don’t forbid a romantic or sexual relationship that doesn’t involve marriage. In addition, some cultures consider non-monogamy to be totally normative, especially for certain classes of people. The key differentiator here is that polyamory is, above all, ethical, meaning that multiple relationships are practice with consent of all partners involved (even in cases where some partners prefer not to have details, or even be aware of other partners). According to estimates, between 15 and 20 percent of Americans practice some variety of Polyamory, and media coverage of this choice is constantly increasing (mostly coverage is positive). In some regions of the US, Polyamory may be even more widespread, as it goes along well with other open-minded romantic or sexual values, such as LGBTQ and BDSM. I’m of the opinion that within 5 to 10 years, Poly will become as mainstream as Gay culture is now (2018) and become accepted by some government bodies as well (for example, for the purpose of tax or social benefits). In fact, last year, a 3-way marriage happened in Colombia, showing that this can be done. 

Until then, I would recommend one of the following two books about the topic. Both of these are considered by many to be a must-read for anyone interested or involved in this lifestyle and culture:

The ethical slut

More than two

See you at the dungeon!