Many people who are new to the world of BDSM get the impression that BDSM clubs are like dance-clubs, where you can just walk-in and "hit" on a person at random to get some kink on. While I can't say this never happens, the reality is that BDSM play is usually something most people prefer to plan carefully in advance. Ad-hoc scenes, also known as "pickup play", happen, but not very often.
The thing is, a BDSM scene typically requires some planning, so most of them are planned days or even weeks in advance, and are done between tops and bottoms that already have established some level of relationship already. There are folks who are OK (or even prefer) with pickup play, but those may not be easy to find, and frankly, I don't really recommend it.
One challenge with pick-up play is the fact that it can be dangerous. In another post I discussed some of the health-related challenged with BDSM play, and the problem with pick-up play is that it may not leave enough time for the players to properly get acquainted and negotiate the content of the scene thoroughly enough.
My advice for newbies is to adjust your own level of expectation. You might be lucky enough to run into another willing pick-up player, but you shouldn't expect to. Instead, focus on building relationships and a solid network of friends. Introduce yourself to people, spend time talking to them and understanding who and what they are, connect on FetLife, and most important - be patient. Once you have built yourself a reputation and have people who are glad to see you at your local dungeon, that's where you can start negotiating scenes. Even then, be prepared that many tops are in high-demand, and may take a while to find an available date and time to do a scene. Consider the fact that even though the actual scene may take only 30-60 minutes, there's a lot of preparation for the top, as well as a cleanup routine that also takes a while. As a result, most tops won't commit to more than two scenes in a single night, and many won't commit to more than one. Keep in mind, though, that good things are worth waiting for, and busy tops are usually the better ones, meaning you will have a better experience.
See you at the dungeon!
Monday, May 22, 2017
Monday, May 15, 2017
Healthy BDSM
I like to say "Violence is not the answer...unless I am the one asking the question". Indeed, whatever your thoughts are about BDSM, there's no denying that it is, in fact, violent, and involves causing some level of physical harm to another human being. However, most BDSM bottoms do prefer to survive the experience, and their tops also prefer to have living subjects rather than dead ones. Here are a few thoughts and ideas about keeping it safe.
The foundation for any BDSM play is consent, of course, but consent can be a bit more complicated than just saying yes or no. One challenge with consent is the fact that during a BDSM scene, the bottom may be flooded with hormones (endorphins, adrenaline etc), which could affect their judgement. It's not uncommon for a bottom to feel a need for more, or to go further in the scene than originally planned, but in that situation, the bottom may be 'legally' impaired (as in, their ability to make rational decisions may be equal or lesser than that of a person who is drunk). For this reason, it is very important for the top and bottom to agree beforehand what the scene will involve, how far it will go, and stick to that plan no matter what. As tempting as it may be for both to go further/deeper/harder, it could lead to regrets, and even a breakdown of the relationship. For example, during the height of the scene, the bottom may ask to be flogged in an area of the body which would leave visible bruising that could cause problems in their non-BDSM relationships or at work.
If you are a new top or bottom, another thing that is important to keep in mind is that people react differently to physical force. First, there's the behavioral response. When hit, some people cry in pain, others just grunt, some giggle, and some just take it silently. With the latter two, it can be hard to gauge whether this calls for the top to proceed, or hold back. Some people instinctively cry "stop" or "more", when either can actually indicate the opposite….which is why the safe-word is such an important concept, as well as the pre-scene discussion and negotiation.
From a physical standpoint, the body's reaction can include reddening of the skin, bruising, and if one is hit hard enough, the skin could break and bleed. It's not unusual for a BDSM scene to include some bleeding, but that needs to be agreed upon in advance, and prepared-for. Preparation includes both sterilizing the top's tools to prevent infection, as well as covering the furniture with plastic or sheets to prevent them getting contaminated with blood. Also, if the scene is done at a non-private dungeon, some more extreme-play may be forbidden or require pre-approval of some sort.
Another physical aspect of this is understanding some basic anatomy. While it's fairly obvious that hitting someone's face, neck or head is dangerous, there are many areas on the body that require special attention. Two notable areas are the kidneys and the spine, both of which are very sensitive and should be avoided. Flogging and hitting is typically done on the thighs, upper-arms, scapulas, chest and buttocks. Areas that are sometimes hit, but need careful consideration are the genitals, breasts, nipples and abdomen. In addition, a pre-scene discussion should include the top questioning the bottom regarding certain medical conditions that could affect the scene. This could include Diabetes, Sciatica (and other back issues), heart condition, bleeding problems etc. In general, I would recommend any top ask their prospective bottoms about any and all medical conditions, and consider whether they could lead to a risk during the scene. For example, if the bottom has had an ulcer, then hitting their abdomen and chest should be avoided.
Ultimately, not everyone is a doctor (though incidentally, many in BDSM are medical practitioners) and one can't always predict or prevent problems. One way to improve your odds as a bottom is to have scenes only with experienced tops. As a top, studying anatomy could help, but you can also try to mentor under an experienced top, or with a very experienced bottom to learn your chops. Another way is to take things slow, and develop a good relationship with your top or bottom. Having such a foundation allows the top to 'sense' where their bottom is, and respond in the best possible way (whether that is to go further, or back). This also circles us back as to why pick-up play is less popular...it simply isn't as safe and pleasurable as planned scenes.
Play safe, and see you on the rack!
The foundation for any BDSM play is consent, of course, but consent can be a bit more complicated than just saying yes or no. One challenge with consent is the fact that during a BDSM scene, the bottom may be flooded with hormones (endorphins, adrenaline etc), which could affect their judgement. It's not uncommon for a bottom to feel a need for more, or to go further in the scene than originally planned, but in that situation, the bottom may be 'legally' impaired (as in, their ability to make rational decisions may be equal or lesser than that of a person who is drunk). For this reason, it is very important for the top and bottom to agree beforehand what the scene will involve, how far it will go, and stick to that plan no matter what. As tempting as it may be for both to go further/deeper/harder, it could lead to regrets, and even a breakdown of the relationship. For example, during the height of the scene, the bottom may ask to be flogged in an area of the body which would leave visible bruising that could cause problems in their non-BDSM relationships or at work.
If you are a new top or bottom, another thing that is important to keep in mind is that people react differently to physical force. First, there's the behavioral response. When hit, some people cry in pain, others just grunt, some giggle, and some just take it silently. With the latter two, it can be hard to gauge whether this calls for the top to proceed, or hold back. Some people instinctively cry "stop" or "more", when either can actually indicate the opposite….which is why the safe-word is such an important concept, as well as the pre-scene discussion and negotiation.
From a physical standpoint, the body's reaction can include reddening of the skin, bruising, and if one is hit hard enough, the skin could break and bleed. It's not unusual for a BDSM scene to include some bleeding, but that needs to be agreed upon in advance, and prepared-for. Preparation includes both sterilizing the top's tools to prevent infection, as well as covering the furniture with plastic or sheets to prevent them getting contaminated with blood. Also, if the scene is done at a non-private dungeon, some more extreme-play may be forbidden or require pre-approval of some sort.
Another physical aspect of this is understanding some basic anatomy. While it's fairly obvious that hitting someone's face, neck or head is dangerous, there are many areas on the body that require special attention. Two notable areas are the kidneys and the spine, both of which are very sensitive and should be avoided. Flogging and hitting is typically done on the thighs, upper-arms, scapulas, chest and buttocks. Areas that are sometimes hit, but need careful consideration are the genitals, breasts, nipples and abdomen. In addition, a pre-scene discussion should include the top questioning the bottom regarding certain medical conditions that could affect the scene. This could include Diabetes, Sciatica (and other back issues), heart condition, bleeding problems etc. In general, I would recommend any top ask their prospective bottoms about any and all medical conditions, and consider whether they could lead to a risk during the scene. For example, if the bottom has had an ulcer, then hitting their abdomen and chest should be avoided.
Ultimately, not everyone is a doctor (though incidentally, many in BDSM are medical practitioners) and one can't always predict or prevent problems. One way to improve your odds as a bottom is to have scenes only with experienced tops. As a top, studying anatomy could help, but you can also try to mentor under an experienced top, or with a very experienced bottom to learn your chops. Another way is to take things slow, and develop a good relationship with your top or bottom. Having such a foundation allows the top to 'sense' where their bottom is, and respond in the best possible way (whether that is to go further, or back). This also circles us back as to why pick-up play is less popular...it simply isn't as safe and pleasurable as planned scenes.
Play safe, and see you on the rack!
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