One of the best things about the sex-positive lifestyle is
that it opens the door to sexual adventures with more than one partner at the
same time…commonly known as threesomes. A good threesome is an amazing
experience that can be far more rich and fulfilling than just “good sex”, but
it can also be daunting to the less experienced. If having a threesome has been
added your “menu” recently, but you are not sure how or where to start, here
are some tips and thoughts!
One challenge with a threesome is that there are many options
and combinations, each with its own considerations, upsides and downsides.
Maybe you are a man and two women…maybe a woman with two men. Maybe three men
or women! Perhaps you are a couple adding a 3rd person to the
equation, or just 3 friends who want to
have an adventure (and of course, there is always the possibility of a foursome
or more). For this reason, there’s really no single “right” way to do it, and
there’s no one-size-fits-all. However, there are things you can do to make it
easier and better.
Who is the boss
Some people are natural leaders in the bedroom, and others
are followers. This is usually discovered early on in a couple’s dynamic, but
can be more complicated in a threesome. For example, if a dominant person
enters a threesome with a couple (one of which would usually be more dominant
than the other), it could cause a conflict or dissatisfaction. If the new
person is a natural dominant, their instinct might push the dominant person in
the couple aside, making them frustrated, angry or worse. On the other hand, it
could be the opposite, with the new person being pushed or forced to change
from being a leader to being led, making them uneasy. One way to tackle this
challenge is to have a heart-to-heart talk beforehand, try to understand the
dynamic and tendencies of each participant, and consider whether this would
work. In other words, if it turns out two of the participants are strong
leaders, there’s a bigger chance of problems, and this requires better
planning. In some circumstances, it might even be better to avoid the threesome
altogether for this specific trio of people.
Another way in is to start slowly is with the pre-existing
couple having sex, with the 3rd person being only an observer (at
least initially). This can give them a chance to examine the dynamics and see
how they can fit into it. Another advantage of this is that it allows the 3rd
person to learn what the couple enjoys and how (penetration? Cunnilingus? Fellatio?
Something else?)
Atmosphere
Setting a positive environment is always important, but even
more so for group sex. Things like Music and lighting quickly come to mind, but
other things are also important. For one, distractions are always a mood
killer, so trying to go at it with the kids playing in the next room has a high
risk of turning into a misadventure. Another consideration is a good playing
field, so a king-size bed would make for a much better experience than a twin.
Buying a new bed may not be an option for some, but you could consider getting
a hotel room for your first time (another thought about this is that a firm
mattress is more conductive to the multiple bodies and moving around compared
to a soft one). Not directly related to the atmosphere, but still an important
thing to do is prepare “accessories” – condoms, lube and tissues are pretty
much a must-have for most people, and you might also want to have massage oil,
towels, bath-robes and cold drinks. If one or more of you are particularly
tense, a drink or two beforehand could be useful (maybe Pot as well, if it’s
legal where you reside), but be careful to avoid consuming too much. You
probably don’t want to black-out and forget the adventure, or throw up in the
middle of it…right?
How to begin
Starting off can be super awkward for a new threesome. While
a couple typically has a pre-established way of going at-it, having the 3rd
person can make the entire thing feel forced. As always, there’s no
one-size-fits-all solution to this, but I recommend starting with a massage. A
massage is pleasant, non-threatening, and can be completely non-sexual, so it’s
a good way to establish physical contact that’s not embarrassing or weird.
Also, most people have two hands, so one partner can massage the two others
simultaneously. You can massage the two other partners’ shoulders from behind,
with both of them lying on the bed, or sitting on a couch, or even standing up,
and slowly progress to touch more intimate parts.
Another good way to start is kissing the side of the neck
near the ears, while making “kissing” noises (gentle lip-smacking) and
breathing audibly. This triggers something known as ASMR (Autonomous sensory
meridian response), which is a tingling, often-times euphoric sensation in the
area. For most people, this is a major turn-on that’s almost impossible to
resist and can jumpstart the encounter almost instantly (It’s also useful in
jumpstarting a regular romantic/sexual encounter, assuming there is consent and
at least a rudimentary level of interest by both partners). Since the
touched-partner would have their back turned to you at this point, you can use
this to invite the other partner to join in with a gesture or an inviting
glance and things should progress instinctually from there.
Boundaries
If the threesome is a MFM (male-female-male) or FMF
(female-male-female), then one or more of the participants may not be
bi-sexual, which could make things difficult. For this reason, it’s important
to know ahead of time what is the status of each partner. This is also a good
time to discover and discuss other boundaries, as well as turn-ons and turns
off. For example, Anal sex is highly desirable by most men, but both men and
women often hate (or even fear) having their ass penetrated or even touched.
Another sensitive topic is tickling – it’s better to find out someone is
ticklish beforehand, rather than finding out by getting an involuntary kick to
the face.
Communications
Talking during sex is something many people can’t wrap their
head-around….or simply unable to do. This is normal and understandable, so to
make things work better, you can try to figure out some way to deliver a
message without talking. For example, you can agree beforehand that squeezing
the left hand means “faster” or “stronger” and right hand “slower” or
“gentler”. This may take some time to practice (both “giving” and “receiving”
the signal), but it could make a huge difference.
Open mind
If you are reading this, chances are you are already quite
open-minded, which is a fundamental requirement for having a threesome.
However, the horizon of sexual adventures is as wide as the world itself, and
there’s a chance your partners are into something you’ve never heard of, or are
not open-minded about. This is a chance to practice expanding one’s tolerance,
and learning new things. However, if there are things that sound sick or
disgusting to you, make sure you discuss that with your partners, or consider
avoiding a threesome with partners who are far more adventurous than yourself.
The next level
Had a good threesome? Maybe it’s time to start thinking of
expanding further into foursomes or more. On one hand, adding more people makes
for a more complex equation (more things to be careful-about, more potential
leadership conflict), but on the other hand, more partners means more variety
and a potential for more pleasure. My advice is to be open to experimentation,
but also be patient and wait with expanding the group until you feel confident
that your threesomes are working real well.
See you on the mattress!
