ENM/CNM/Polyamory links

For those looking to explore this topic, a good place to start is the Wikipedia article about polyamory, though it’s a bit of a hefty read at 5000 words.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

Some more concise and well-organized intro:

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-does-polyamorous-mean-21882

https://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/a35805124/polyamorous/

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210326-ethical-non-monogamy-the-rise-of-multi-partner-relationships

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ENM has had huge growth and acceptance starting around 2012, and this is reflected all over in TV, movies, media coverage, research and dating. Here are some key articles and links:

https://www.realclearinvestigations.com/articles/2020/04/22/heres_polyamory_multi-partner_sexual-rights_crusade_on_the_horizon_122979.html

Quote 1: “There is plenty of evidence that consensual non-monogamy is an emerging civil rights movement,” said Heath Schechinger, a counseling psychologist at the University of California, Berkeley, and co-chair of the Consensual Non-Monogamy Task Force, recently created within  the American Psychological Association.”

Quote 2: “Activists are already working with elected officials in more than a dozen local governments, especially in California, to expand local anti-discrimination ordinances to include a new protected class, “relationship structure,” said Berkeley psychologist and poly activist Dave Doleshal.”

https://qz.com/1501725/polyamorous-sex-is-the-most-quietly-revolutionary-political-weapon-in-the-united-states/

 

Quote: “a survey of some 8,700 US single adults in 2017 found that more than one in five engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives, while in a 2014 survey 4%-5% of Americans reported currently being polyamorous.”

https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2016/01/ok-cupid-is-opening-up-to-polyamorous-relationships/423162/

Quote: “The number of people who say they are solely committed to monogamy, meanwhile, has fallen to a minority of all users, 44 percent, down from 56 percent in 2010.”

https://scienceblog.com/507393/study-could-explain-why-people-choose-to-have-multiple-relationships-at-the-same-time/

Quote: “There is a growing interest in consensual, non-monogamous relationships – both in the general public and in terms of research,”

https://www.facebook.com/redtabletalk/videos/419568041972431/

An episode of the Emmy-award winning talk-show “Red Table Talk” featuring Jada Pinkett Smith (actress and wife of actor Will Smith) and her daughter Willow Smith, discussing ENM

https://graziadaily.co.uk/life/real-life/polyamorous-relationships/

Willow Smith herself is polyamorous, as she discussed eloquently and at length here: https://www.facebook.com/redtabletalk/videos/904644817023031/.

 

https://openpsychometrics.org/research/demographics-of-polyamory/

A 2015 survey on polyamory

 

https://quillette.com/2019/10/29/polyamory-is-growing-and-we-need-to-get-serious-about-it/

Quote: “More people than ever are pursuing polyamorous, open, or swinging relationships. With the growing number of polyamorous relationships, we need to get serious about analyzing the costs and benefits of polyamory—not just for individuals, but for families, cultures, and nations.”

 

https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/how-common-open-relationship-non-monogamous-relationships/amp/

Quote: “A study from the Journal of Sex Research found that Google searches for terms related to open relationships have been rising steadily for a decade. In a follow-up study, the same group of researchers discovered that more than one in five Americans have engaged in a non-monogamous relationship at one point in their lifetime. So, it would seem that at least 20 percent of the American public is open to an open relationship.”

 

 

https://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/polyamorous-parenting-the-surprising-benefits-of-the-ultimate-modern-family/

Quote: “A growing number of Canadian parents are polyamorous, opting for consensual non-monogamous relationships. Having multiple partners may seem weird, confusing or even scandalous to some. But experts, parents and even kids say it offers some surprising benefits”

 

https://metro.co.uk/2019/05/27/are-we-moving-towards-a-society-where-everyone-is-polyamorous-or-in-open-relationships-9635982/

Quote: “marriage is decreasing in popularity, divorce is becoming more common and having a lifelong relationship with one person is no longer the norm (if ever it was).”

 

http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20160623-polyamorous-relationships-may-be-the-future-of-love

“Some are even calling for it to be recognised (SIC) by law following the legalisation (SIC) of gay marriage in the UK and the US. All this raises of the question of whether the future of love may be very different from our current conceptions of romance.”

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Even some religious organizations have come to terms that polyamory is part of our society:

https://www.windycitytimes.com/m/APPredirect.php?AID=61355

Metropolitan Community Church Rev. Elder Rachelle Brown talks Cajun roots, faith and lesbian polyamorous relationship.

https://www.patheos.com/blogs/hippieheretic/2017/09/southern-baptist-preacher-affirms-polyamory-interview-with-rev-dr-jeff-hood.html

Southern Baptist Preacher Rev. Dr. Jeff Hood affirms polyamory in an interview

https://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2019/10/polyamory-next-sexual-frontier-in.html

Preston Sprinkle (biblical scholar and president of The Center for Faith, Sexuality & Gender) and Branson Parler (professor of theological studies at Kuyper College in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and director of faith formation at Fourth Reformed Church in Grand Rapids)

https://www.timesofisrael.com/polyamorous-jews-share-love-seek-acceptance/

Some Jewish Rabbis too. “Rabbi Sharon Kleinbaum, senior rabbi at New York’s gay synagogue, Congregation Beit Simchat Torah, says she tries to avoid that sort of judgment in her rabbinic practice. Polyamory, she says, is a choice that does not preclude a Jewishly observant, socially conscious life.”

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In the PNW, home to myself and to your company’s HQ, ENM is known to be even more prevalent:

https://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2019/09/polyamory-in-pacific-northwest.html

Quote: “Seattle has long been known as Poly Capital of the World, but Portland now holds the title according to locals quoted in a 5,000-word article that just appeared in Cascadia magazine”

 

https://southseattleemerald.com/2020/07/30/navigating-consensual-non-monogamy-during-covid-19/

Quote 1: “Sheff says there are neighborhoods in Seattle where more and more polyamorists groups moved to be close to each other, and several polyamorists say they consider Washington state to be polyamory-friendly”

Quote 2: “approximately 69 million people in the U.S. are currently in intimate relationships with multiple people at once.”

 

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/jul/19/portland-polyamorous-relationships-consensual-non-monogamy

Quote: “In Portland, Oregon – one of America’s most sexually tolerant cities – it seems you can’t throw a stone without finding a consensual non-monogamous relationship”

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Many cities, states and even countries are making moves that have or might anchor ENM in law, in various shapes and forms:

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/07/01/us/somerville-polyamorous-domestic-partnership.html

Somerville, MA

https://reason.com/2021/03/10/cambridge-will-recognize-polyamorous-partnerships-and-other-domestic-arrangements-with-more-than-2-adults/

Cambridge, MA

https://patch.com/massachusetts/arlington/arlington-recognizes-polyamorous-domestic-partnerships

Arlingon, MA

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9046393/First-family-California-THREE-dads-birth-certificate-opens-up.html

California

https://www.cnn.com/2021/06/28/africa/south-africa-polyandry-outcry-scli-intl/index.html

South Africa

https://www.vice.com/en/article/vbgpka/gay-men-polyamorous-marriage-colombia

Columbia

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/newfoundland-labrador/polyamourous-relationship-three-parents-1.4706560

Canada

https://www.facebook.com/Centerforwomensjustice/photos/a.1656237957721835/2990081344337483/

Israel

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I mentioned Microsoft in my previous emails, as it has led several initiatives in this realm. Back in 2018, they created an internal employee resource group (“ERG”) named “ENUM”, which grew to become very large and active:

https://ncsfreedom.org/2021/06/16/microsoft-pride-making-progress-together/

In March of this year, during Microsoft’s Include summit, Microsoft’ CVP of Diversity, Lindsay-Rae McIntyre spoke of this, saying “we have to be ready to have conversations about…inclusion of individuals who practice ethical non-monogamy” (this is at 05:29-5:44 in the video)

https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/videoplayer/embed/RWAaqB

Microsoft’s aggressive diversity goals and agenda has been influenced by various business data points:

1.       76 percent of employees and job seekers said a diverse workforce was important when evaluating companies and job offers.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2021/02/18/millennial-genz-workplace-diversity-equity-inclusion/

2.       72% of U.S. Workers Would Leave for More "Inclusive" Employer.

https://www.cpapracticeadvisor.com/payroll/news/12342816/72-of-us-workers-would-leave-for-more-inclusive-employer

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Additional important resources:

1.       Polyamory in the news, which has collected several thousand articles and broadcasts:

https://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com

2.       The Chosen Law Family Center, which supports ENM individuals and cases on a sliding scale:

https://chosenfamilylawcenter.org

 

3.       The Harvard Law School LGBTQ+ Advocacy clinic, which provides legal help and protection for people in ENM relationships:

https://today.law.harvard.edu/polyamory-and-the-law/

https://polyamorylegal.org/our-team

 

4.       Loving More, an ENM advocacy non-profit based in Colorado:

https://www.lovingmorenonprofit.org

A few more articles about the history and practice of ENM:

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/326869

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325880

https://www.forbes.com/sites/rebeccacoffey/2021/07/13/love-and-sex-with-many-research-on-the-health-and-wellness-of-consensual-non-monogamy/

https://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/a_first_polyamory_guide

https://www.scarleteen.com/relationship_structure_and_troubleshooting_navigating_poly_relationships

 

Are they really polyamorous?

 As someone who coaches, mentors and advises many people who are exploring, experimenting or experiencing polyamory, I often encounter individuals who run into the nightmare ultimatum scenario. The scenario is that they are enjoying polyamorous relationships with several individuals, and then one of the individuals decides that they want to be monogamous with them, and asks them to discard all other partners (or, if they are the only two at the time, promise to not seek any others). Some people go for it, and others let the person go, but regardless, this is a very difficult situation, and so the question is how to avoid or prevent it.

Like most things in life, there isn't a catch-all answer or solution, but there are some things that can give one a clue about the future of a relationship. People who might day present such an ultimatum usually don't do it with bad intentions, and most of them initiate the polyamorous relationship believing in all honesty that it's what they want, and only later realize that they are unable to beat their own monogamous programming, or their feelings of insecurity or jealousy. However, one thing that can serve as a clue is the way your partner deals with new partners. When a person enters the life of someone that already has partners, they are typically aware of what they are getting-into, and are capable of handling it. They typically respect partners that preceded them, much like a new employee at a company respects employees with more seniority. However, it is when newer partners join the mix that triggers the hidden insecurities. One of the tropes of monogamy is that if your partner connects with someone else, that is the most dangerous thing to your relationship, as the trope dictates that your partner will likely fall in love with the new person, and discard you for them. While this is inherently not true for a polyamorous relationship, people who are secretly or unknowingly monogamous still have that program running inside their heads. If their partners has a new partner (or sometimes even just has a fleeting interest or intention to have another partner), jealousy rears it's ugly head. 

I'm not suggesting anyone does that as any sort of test, but if you are suspecting your partner might run this risk, then one way to clearly see this is observing their reactions when a new romantic interest comes into the picture. A healthy polyamorous partner would feel joy, empathy and compresion, and typically be interest in learning about your new interest, getting to know them, and would typically encourage you to explore the relationship. A partner that's struggling might feel threatened and exhibit defensive or aggressive patterns. Those may not exhibit is simple and plain jealousy, but more subtly. For example, they might suddenly exhibit more interest in you than before, ask or demand more attention and more time together. They might exhibit suspicion or animosity towards the new person, such as questioning their intentions or compatibility. The latter may be very subtle, and if it's there, it might be genuine feelings of being protective of one's partner, and so if you observe this in your partner, be careful not to jump to conclusions. Ultimately, you know your partner best, and can see the big picture. If they do indeed harbor undercurrents of monogamy, that's tough. Many of us are programmed so deeply, that we can't let go, no matter how much we want. 

Is there a solution to this? Unfortunately, not really. De-programming and re-education is tough, and it gets harder as we age. A common concept in psychology says that people in their 50s or above cannot be helped with psychotherapy. This is not 100% accurate, of course, and there are exceptions, but in general, this is true. The expression "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" is a colloquial version of the same piece of knowledge. Age 50 is not a hard boundary, of course, but it's a general rule-of-thumb that suggests that around that age, it becomes harder and harder to change patterns of feelings and thoughts, and the same goes for poly/mono. 

As much as I hate being the bearer of bad news, this is a reality, and so when I am approached by people or couples in their 40s or above, who are wanting to explore polyamory, I often have to be straight with them, and tell them that their odds are not good. Hopefully, as our society progresses towards more liberal and progressive values, the need to deprogram or reprogram ourselves will become less and less of a need.  

Making a star-wars lightsaber flogger

 Turning a light-saber hilt into a flogger isn’t a particularly original idea, and people have been doing it for a while, though I believe mine is of particularly high quality and design. The first one I made was based on a simple toy lightsaber, which can be found at every toy store or online starting around $10 (I bought mine at Goodwill for 1 dollar). It was also using simple faux-leather from some coat I bought at the same thrift store for a few dollars. Later, when I had a bit more money available, I turned to making them out of metal and real leather, which increases the cost to about $200. Here’s how it’s done.

1^st step is to buy the hilt. There are numerous manufacturers of lightsaber hilts, and they start around $60 for a full metal hilt, which does not include a “blade” or electronics (star wars enthusiasts buy these with a light “bulb” that emulates the “blade”, as well as electronics that both power the light and creates various sounds effects like the humming of the blade. My provider of choice is Ultrasabers and others are Crimson Dawn, Vire Sabers, Artsabers, Rebel Sabers, Kybers, LGT sabers, TXQ sabers, Saber Trio and Pach. As you can imagine, the more elaborate the design of the hilt, the more expensive it would be, and $60 gets you something that isn’t much more than a simple tube. In the example used here, I chose the “Initiate V5” model from Ultrasabers, which cost $65, on which I applied a 10% discount coupon, and paid another $17 for shipping for a total of $75. Not bad for a hilt that’s quite pretty and elaborate.

For the leather, I went to an actual physical store in Seattle. While I have a strong preference for online shopping in general, leather is a problem, because the technical characteristics of a piece of leather (a.k.a. “hide”) can’t quite convey it’s texture, so buying online risks ending up with a piece that’s too rigid or too soft. Also, while online saves some money, it’s not a huge savings in the case of leather. I could have shaved off about $20 off the cost, but not much more. At my leather store of choice, McPherson, I found a nice piece of Elk leather. Leather usually comes as “hide” or smaller pieces like “half hide” or even “quarter hide”, and the store is usually willing to cut any hide into a half or quarter. The hide is sold based on the surface area times the price per foot, so a full hide would be about 25 square feet at $7-15 per foot, depending on thickness. There are, of course, cheaper and more expensive leather, but cheaper would be too thin for a flogger, and thicker would be too rigid, so the $7-15 hides are the range I was looking at. So I purchased half a hide and paid $90 for the piece, which was about 4’x3’.

4 more things I needed were a wood dowel, a metal strip, a screw-type hose clamp, and a few screws. The dowel is what the leather attaches to, and goes into the light saber hilt. The hilt is usually ¾” wide, so that’s the dowel I bought. I only needed about 10”, so I cut off a piece from a longer piece from Home Depot. The Metal strip is used to cover the bound leather from the outside, which both strengthens the flogger, and adds to the metallic look. Home Depot has 1’x1’ steel plates for about $6, and I cut out a strip that’s about 3” wide using metal shears. The Screw-type hose were bought at O'Reilly Auto Parts, which sells a pair for $3, and they can be re-used for other projects (I got 2” wide ones). Screws…I had plenty, but I needed 2 screws that are 1.5” long, one very large 1” screw, and one thin 1/8” screw (more details later).

Naturally, hides are not geometrical shape, so I had to cut off the sides to make it into a rectangle. Then, I flattened it on my cutting board and cut it into strips, but leaving the top 3” intact (so, a comb shape). This can be done with scissors, but I highly recommend using a very large ruler and box cutter, which is both easier and produces neater results. I had to replace the blade twice during this, as the leather wears it out quickly.

Next, I smeared glue on the suede side of the leather (this is my preference, so the leather side would be the visible one) and glued it to the dowel, holding it with a small clamp while it dries. It’s important to be neat when doing this part, so I did it slow, gluing about 10” at a time and letting it dry for 2 hours before gluing more. My favorite glue is the classic E6000, but you can also use epoxy or Gorilla glue (if using Gorilla, be careful with the quantity, as it foams and expands when it cures….which could end up being VERY ugly). I tried to fully cover the 3” leather area with glue, but it’s not critical as we also have the metal piece and screws to hold it in place.

Next, I took the 3” metal piece I cut off the 1’ sheet, and rolled it. I just used my hands and a table edge to do so. With this method, there’s no way to properly curl the lip (unless you use a bench vise), so after curling the rest of it, I just cut off a piece, and ended up with this:

After putting this around the bound leather, I used the hose clamp to tighten it as much as I could:

Next, I drilled through the metal and down into the middle of the dowel, and put in 2 screws. Make sure you chose screws that aren’t too long, so as to not risk splitting the dowel. Also, make sure you use the appropriate size drill for the same reason. Ideally, round-head screws are best for this, as they sit flush against the surface, but in my case, I used simple wood screws, so I also added these specialty washers known as “Counter-sunk” washers or “finishing” washers:

Once the screws were fully in, I unscrewed the hose clamp and removed it.

The lightsaber hilt is quite beautiful as-is, and the next step would be to simply insert the dower into it and fasten it in place, but I wanted to balance the flogger, which I did by casting metal into the hilt to make it heavier. This is purely optional, and might be above the comfort level of many people, though it’s quite easy. I use Pewter for this, which melts with a simple propane torch (which I keep at home for making Crème Brule and other uses). Pewter items are plentiful at my local thrift store and a few dollars buys you quite a bit of it. In my case, I have collected pewter for years, and I usually melt it into a silicone ice tray to make 1.5” pieces that are easy to manage. I place it in a metal ladle and melt it with the torch, and then simply pour it into the hilt. In this case, I melted about 8 cubes for a total added weight of about 14 ounces.

Finally, after the hilt cooled, I put the dowel into the shaft all the way through, and attached it with two screws. The hilt comes with a ½” hold, which is supposed to be for the power switch, but I drilled a ¼” hold into the dowel and stuck a large and thick screw into it to hold the dowel in place. I then placed a 1/8” screw into the hilt in the front (it comes with a hole for that) and tightened it into the dowel to keep it steadier. Both of these were machine screws, not wood screws, so that required careful drilling into the wood, but nothing too complex.

That’s it, and the saber flogger is ready for action. How does one use it? Simple! USE THE FORCE!!!