Like most things in life, polyamory is not one thing, but rather dozens of variations of the concept, with every person and group practicing it in slightly different ways. One of the most important elements of the poly framework is the question of balance. Some people define one of their partners as "primary" with the others being "secondary", while some people prefer to have all their partners be equal to each other.
A Primary/secondaries scenario usually develops organically when a married couple decides to open up their relationship. In this situation, the husband or wife would typically be the primary for his/her spouse, with everyone else being secondary. Another common scenario happens when two people co-habitate, which enables them to spend more time together.
In those situations, things are pretty-clear, and the secondary partners realize who comes first and why. However, things can be a little murkier in a round-table poly. The framework dictates that every partner is equal….but are they really?
Well, the reality is that sometimes, they are not. This is not dissimilar to a parent who has several kids. Most parents will claim they love all their kids the same, and that none of the kids gets treated differently (other than obvious age-related privileges, of course)…but anyone who grew up with siblings knows that pretty-much any parent has a more-favorite child, and a less-favorite as well. In polyamory, one person may have been-around for longer, or is more-available to their partner than others. Similarly, people have different personalities, which can make for better chemistry with one person over others, and if the partners aren't careful, this can lead to imbalance and jealousy. For example, you might have a "lighter trigger" to cancel a date on a less-favored partner, or might tend to tell more intimate stuff to a more-favored partner. Any such situation can lead to frustration, jealousy and anger.
Like most things in life, there's no clear answer or solution to this. We are all human beings, and we can't have total control of how we feel. However, we can control how we behave, so there are two things we can do.
For starters, we can keep track of our actions with regards to stuff that is often a challenge. One such things is dates, and another is changes/cancellations. Keeping a log of when we see each partner can help us make sure we are giving a comparable time to each partner (and, in case of a disagreement, we might be able to use that to show a frustrated partner that we care enough to keep tabs). Keeping a log of any time we move or cancel on a partner could help make sure we don't do it too often, and take steps in case this does happen. For example, if we find ourselves cancelling more-often on one partner, we could consider setting a regular schedule with them, to make things more concrete (or, if we have a schedule, consider moving to a different schedule that will be easier to keep). Also, if this is the case, perhaps it's time to consider whether the relationship may need to change in some way, or whether it has run its course.
Another thing we can do is have regular feedback sessions with our partners. It doesn't have to be too official, but sitting down once a month-or-two and simply asking "How can I be a better partner to you? Is there anything I should be doing less-of? Is there something I should be doing more-of?" would encourage your partner to tell you their frustrations even if normally they would keep them to themselves. Is that "breaking into jail"?...yes, it is, but believe me…it's better to know when something is headed in the wrong direction, rather then only know when things have passed a point of no-return.
The flip-side to this, of course, is a situation where you are the partner who is feeling neglected or mistreated. In polyamory, many of us are "trained" to quash-down jealousy, which can cause us to avoid criticizing our partners even when there are legitimate issues. However, it's important to remember that having feelings is not a bad thing - on the contrary…it's normal and healthy. The important thing is what we do with these feelings, and releasing them in a controlled fashion is the right path to happiness. If we have negative feelings about our partners and we bottle them, they might someday burst out in flames, which could kill or severely-hurt the relationships. Talking carefully and gently about what's bothering you, while giving constructive and delicate feedback to your partner is a much better way of dealing with issues, and can help us maintain long-term and healthy relationships.
