As an American and Sex-positive person, a topic I ran across often is that of LOVE. In the Vanilla world, most people have many hang-ups on love, which often leads to problems. For example, people who begin a romantic relationship develop love for their partner at some point, but are often afraid to say it, because many think that love can only develop at a certain pace. Due to this "warming period", many fear that if they say it too early, their partner would freak-out and potentially break-up with them. Another concern is the mutual aspect of love…what if I say it, but my partner isn't ready to? What if my partner says it but I don't feel that way just yet?
One of the reasons this type of fear and resulting paralysis exists is due to the link between love and marriage that is the staple of Monogamy. For most people who are monogamous, you only love someone that is your permanent partner, and if you are not SURE that the relationship is forever, you shouldn't feel it, let-alone SAY it.
Another aspect of this is the fact that the word love is way too small to describe the huge range, scope, depth and types of emotions human beings actually feel. You use the same word to describe your excitement about pepperoni pizza and your affection towards a person you might spend the rest of your life with, and that leads to a lot of confusion and concern. When I say "I love you", does that mean that I just feel good being with you, or does it mean that I want to spend the rest of my life with you? And if I'm unsure…should I still say it?
In the sex-positive world, however, things are different. Generally speaking, we avoid living our lives and doing things based on arbitrary rules set by society. We sometimes have sex before the 3rd date, we sometimes become boyfriend/girlfriend with someone even though we have other relationships, and yes…we feel love and express it as early as we want, rather than avoiding the word until it is "appropriate". Similarly, we don't lose our shit if someone says it after only knowing us for a relatively-short period of time. While saying "I love you" after knowing a person for 10 minutes is still a bit extreme, we also recognize that it's possible to get to know a person enough to feel love for them after only a few days, or even hours. We also know that there's nothing wrong with feeling it for a partner even if they themselves take longer to feel that way.
If you are reading this looking for advice on breaching that topic with your partner, I'm not sure I have a clear one-for-all answer, but the key to this, like any other relationship matter, is communication. Rather than dance-around the subject out of fear of rejection, open a conversation on the topic of "what is love", to try to understand how your partner defines it. You can ask questions like "how long do you think it could or should take for someone to feel love towards someone else" or "with your previous partners, how long was it until you felt you loved them". You can also suggest to your partner to read this very article. Ultimately, I can't predict how things would go, but one thing to consider is whether a relationship with someone who is easy to freak-out about emotions is really viable. If they are so afraid of their feelings or commitment to be scared away, then perhaps both of you are better off with someone who has a closer match to your own level of emotional maturity and openness.
Love long...and prosper!
