The secrets of Fellatio

Earlier, I published some writing about being a better lover, focusing on doing so with women. I’ve since discussed the topic with numerous individuals, both men and women, who were interested in what I had to suggest regarding pleasing men, so here it is. Surprisingly…or maybe not so much so, it shares several points with the female version.

Naturally, I must preface this by reminding everyone that men, just like women, are like snowflakes. We are all different, and there’s no single thing or technique that will score every time. Some men are so easy to please that they can be brought to orgasm in under 10 seconds (I’ve been there myself quite a few times), and some have had so much sex that even an hour of intense cock-sucking won’t get them there. There are, however, a few concepts and ideas that might help achieve better results. I should also take this opportunity to point out that while the majority of people desire stronger orgasms, speed is not always a goal. Some prefer to take longer, because a long build-up of sexual tension (or frustration) can lead to stronger climax. On the other hand, many people prefer to spend less time pleasing their partner and so making their men cum faster would certainly be a goal. Most of this is written with the perspective of a female providing pleasure to a male, and this is not to ignore homosexual activity (which I myself do sometimes, being Pan-sexual), but rather for convenience of language.

Generally, women pleasing men means FELLATIO. To be honest…I personally disagree with this, because I think a MUCH better job can be done with the hands. While no doubt the mouth and tongue are naturally wet and soft, somewhat similarly to the vagina, the truth of the matter is that the hands are much better equipped for this. There are more muscles, more dexterity, and with some lubrication, they can be just as soft and wet. I’ve seen numerous individuals do wonders with their fingers, and when done right, has always worked much better on me than any oral (and benefit for the other person: it eliminates that situation of dealing with the ejaculate, which many people don’t like). However, our culture has acclimated many men to expect or even demand fellatio as the primary way to achieve sexual gratification, and nothing I write will change that. So let’s talk about doing that as best as possible.

The first thing, which also applies to cunnilingus is to LISTEN. This means both listening to what your man has to say (what he likes, what he doesn’t like) and the kind of sounds he makes. Many men are “trained” to be fairly quiet and give almost no clue to what they’re experiencing, and that makes it challenging to know if you’re being effective. In that case, listening to their breathing, and micro-sounds they make (like the sounds you might hear as they move their lips, arms or even fingers around) can give a good clue. It’s tempting to look closely at the man in hopes of getting facial cues, but keep in mind that people can feel it when they are being watched, and that could make them self-conscious and make it difficult to climax. If you’re relying on subtle auditory cues, then it’s better to avoid trying to do this with background music, even though some people like to have music playing during sex.

The reason so many men are dead-quiet is because virtually all men’s first sexual experience is masturbation, often for many years before they get to have sex with another person. Masturbation, as lovely and healthy as it is, is still a source of shame to many, even if they don’t come from religious upbringing. As a result, many men train themselves to do it as quietly as they can, to reduce the chance of someone knowing about it (like their parents or siblings). This is also why being watched or possibly watched makes it difficult, and sometimes even mundane background sounds can “kill” the mood. This is also why many people like to put on music, as it can drown out the noises that could make them jumpy.

The second thing is Points of Stimulation (POS). While fellatio itself is, of course, only about the mouth, the reality is that many things play a part in arousal, and a smart person uses this to their advantage. I already mentioned the hands, and since we have 2 of them, with 5 fingers each, they can be used for at least 2 other POS. That could be the man’s nipples, if they are an erogenous zone (some men are susceptible, some lesser so or none at all). This could include a finger near or through the anus, or on the prostate, if the man is comfortable taking that sort of action. Even a gentle caress by both hands in a seemingly non-erogenous zone can enhance stimulation. For example, a gentle caress on the feet or around the ears can do wonders. If trying that, keep in mind that a KEY element is symmetry – doing the same motion with both hands on both sides of the body. It might seem silly, but try it and see for yourself. For some reason, caressing both sides simultaneously (and in the same direction, speed, pressure, etc.) is more please than one side by a huge factor (not by x2, but by x10!). There’s something about that overload of sensory input that can make a good orgasm EXPLOSIVE.

Other points of stimulation are simply by your own presence. The mere presence of you near your man is arousing, so use that and be close (as opposed to just leaning towards his cock or hovering over it). The level of closeness should be confirmed with him as it could make a difference. If it’s so close that the man cannot move, that could detract from the pleasure for some. Yet others might get a kinky-arousal from being held-down. I myself, for example, get high arousal when my lover is “holding me down” by sitting on my face, but on the other hand, if my feet are held down, I may not be able to climax for a long time. A wonderful position for that is 69 (even if he doesn’t use that opportunity to give you pleasure too) as it gives full body contact, and can be very stimulating for a guy, to have the pussy all up in his face. Another POS is your warmth, so making sure it feels warm is a good step in the right direction (or at least avoiding being too cold). Scent is yet another factor. Using the right perfume can add a lot of excitement. Your voice is another instrument, and using sexy sounds or words can add another dimension. For those wanting to nit-pick this article, I’ll repeat once more that the above notions only apply to MOST men, and for anything, there are going to be people out there who are unaffected-by, or even repulsed. This is why above all else, listening is key. Something that isn’t precisely a POS, but can enhance sensation is stretching the penis skin by gently tugging on it or on the testicles. When the skin is lightly stretched, it exposes more nerves to touch.

Naturally, you won’t always use any or all of the POS, but varying them every time can provide so much oomph into your love life. If you are a mistress of skills and can pull-off all of them at once, your name will probably go down in the anals of men-kind. Yeah, I know; I said anals, not annals. Deal with it. Some might even go further and set up a threesome, where you and another person could “share the load” and double the POS quotient for a super intense experience.

Another practical tip is to remember that the “hot” spot on the penis is its bottom, while the top part, with most men, is too sensitive, and can make a man “jump” instead of causing arousal. This can be a tricky part of the 69 position, because that position places your tongue on the top of the penis, so just remember to be gentle and not press hard on the skin with your tongue. If the man is in a standing or sitting position, a nice little perk is holding his ass-cheeks and pulling him towards you, which many men enjoy a lot.

In their quest to be a better lover, I often see people develop or practice various “tricks”, such as the popular deep-throating, delivering extreme suction, or going up-and-down the penis shaft at ultrasonic speeds. While hearing a woman gag or throw-up is certainly a kink for some folks, and others aspire to re-enact scenes of extreme skill they’ve seen in porn, the reality is all this effort is wasted on many men, and sometimes can even be detrimental. The Penis is gentle and going at it too fast or hard on it can bruise it and not only prevent an orgasm, it can even take your man out of commission for a few days. My advice is to avoid turning your fellatio into a Cirque du Soleil act, unless you have a strong reason to believe that’s what your guy wants. While some men certainly prefer faster over slower movement, do keep in mind that consistency is very important to most men, so try to keep a steady pace.

And a final point about this: all good things cum to an end, and that’s a bit risky for several reasons. One is that you should have a clear plan on how you handle the inevitable release of fluid. I’m not going to say it’s Champagne, but for the most part, it doesn’t taste too bad and I would advise to try to master swallowing, as any other option could be detrimental to the guy’s orgasm. If your man’s product is foul, there are numerous dietary changes that could help, and I’m certain most men will be happy to consider them for better sex. Try to work with your man for him to give some kind of signal that he’s about to cum, whether it’s a gesture, a word, or even a sound. Being ready for that squirt can help reduce the risk of choking on it, which is very unpleasant (especially if goes up your nose). Some men can’t do it reliably, but if you observe and listen, you’ll notice a repeating pattern (many tense or arch their body and raise their butt in the final seconds) and learn it. Regardless, keep in mind that the penis becomes VERY sensitive right after orgasm, so be mindful and stop once you feel the final “rope” (orgasmic convulsions). Some men become so sensitive it’s best to literally pull away, while others might enjoy a few more seconds of keeping your mouth very lightly on the penis. Also, while most women want a solid cuddle after they climax, many men prefer a bit of distance, so talk to him about it, and respect his wishes even if you yourself feel super clingy.

Well, this is it….fellatio 101. But before I depart, I would like to suggest once more, both for men and women, to fully explore your hands as a default ahead of fellatio. We have 34 muscles in each palm and fingers, and about 30 square inches of surface combined. This allows SO much stimulation! Not just the top half of the penis, which is what most mouths can contain, but most of the penis shaft with one hand, and the testicles and perineum with the other (maybe even the rectum, with some practice). Some people need lube for this (ideally, warmed up to about 90 degrees, and you can even buy products that dispense warm lube straight into your hand), while many have spit that is naturally viscous. If your guy is willing and able, ask them to show you how THEY masturbate, and learn from it. Even if they are too self-conscious to climax with you watching, even a careful observation for a few seconds can give you a good idea of the kind of speed, contact points and pressure that they need (they have probably honed their masturbation skills for years or decades, so learn from “the master”), and then ramp it up with some additional POS I suggested earlier. Bonus points can be obtained from doing this in the shower, which ads warmth to all of it, and the ability to ejaculate without worrying about a mess can be very freeing. In the shower, you can also use soap or shampoo as a lube, which can deliver an exceptionally slippery-wet feeling.

Hopefully, some people will find this information and ideas helpful, and it will allow anyone to become a master in male gratification.

Being a better lover

I’ve been on the fence about publishing this ever since I wrote it, almost two years ago. Over the years, I’ve heard over and over, from many women I’ve been with, that I was a very good lover, and some have even given higher praise. Many have asked me for my guidance, thoughts or tips. However, I realize how arrogant and off-putting it is when a CIS man comes out publicly like this in what can be perceived as “touting my own horn”. I realize that many women who might read this might think negatively of me, and I’m publishing this at the risk of being shunned by many, so I’ll be brutally honest and transparent: I do NOT have a big dick, I do NOT “get laid” a lot and when I do have penetrative sex, I do NOT last for hours. In the realm of “fucking”, I’m probably below-average, and in fact, this is the main reason I worked hard on developing the skills I do have, which I will discuss here. The reason I’m publishing this is because as a leader in the community, I see a lot of people who, inspired by porn, think the only or best way to be a good lover is to grow the longest penis possible, or train themselves to be able to go in-and-out for hours without finishing (this is why penis-pumps, delay-sprays and “big erection” pills top the sale charts for men still today). And I also have to say, of course, that some of these men are right: some women do only care about those two things (deeper and longer penetration). However, for the majority of men and women, here are my tips and ideas on being the best lover one can be (in the physical sense at least; I will explore other aspects another time).

The short answer is CUNNILINGUS. I’ve learned early on (age 23, 25 years ago) that the vast majority of women cannot climax from penetration (or penetration alone at least), no matter how well you do it or what equipment you carry. Most of them enjoy it, but THE main female sexual organ is the clitoris, and paying the right attention to it is key. Famed comedians Key & Peele discussed it in their sketch “Cunnilingus Class”, and while it is made to be funny, it is also quite on-point and covers a lot of ground in only 3 minutes, so if time is of the essence, go check it out (YouTube). Cunnilingus shouldn’t be an after-thought, an appetizer, foreplay or a quick treat. It is the main course and should be something every human being should practice to perfection. Cunnilingus should be “on the table” every time, even during the menstrual period (even on day-1!). Yeah, I know it doesn’t always smell great, but men’s groins aren’t a bed of roses either, yet most men expect to get oral anyway. As I often say ‘If you can’t take her onions, you don’t deserve her honey’.

And the longer answer:

The 1st notion is to start BEFORE you start. I’m certainly not the 1st to note the significance of foreplay, but make no mistake about it: it’s not optional, and for most women, it’s much more important than the sex itself. If you are a normal human being, you should enjoy it a lot, but even if not, do it and don’t skimp or be in a hurry to move forward. Do plenty of hugging and kissing, and don’t rush your way towards “intimate” areas. Something that can be amazing is ASMR (Autonomous sensory meridian response), which is our body’s response to stimulation in the sides and back of the neck and ears. Just moving your face close to that area can often be enough to “turn on” most people, and a gentle touch or soft sounds (like tiny kissing sounds or gentle lip and tongue movement sounds) can bring very high levels of stimulation. This is even more arousing if you approach your partner slowly from behind (with her knowledge and consent!) and do this. Let me frame it differently: you can achieve more arousal with 5 minutes of foreplay and ASMR than with 15 minutes of downstairs work.

The 2nd “tip” is LISTEN. This refers to both listening to what your partner says (what they like, what they want, how they are feeling), and what kind of response they have to what you do. The world would be better if you could get real-time verbal directions, but usually, all we have are sounds, and often, those are subtle (so doing it to loud music is usually not very conductive, at least until you are very familiar with your partner). Try different things, like different speeds, different levels of pressure, different movement patterns, and different placements (directly on the clitoris vs above or below it). As you try, listen to the response and LEARN (as in, commit to memory what you did that led to a better response). Keep in mind that most people take a while to climax even when the stimulation is perfect, so unless it’s clearly not working (“bad” sounds or response), give it at least a few minutes before trying something else. For many, consistency is critical (doing the exact same thing for 10-20 minutes, or even longer), while for others, alternating every few seconds is better. LISTEN & LEARN.

The 3rd tip is POINTS OF STIMULATION, a.k.a. “erogenous zones”. We all have many of these all over our body, and while the Clitoris is a DUH, stimulating other points can be helpful, especially in tandem. We are limited in what we can do with our bodies, because people only have 2 hands, but try to make the most of it. For example, cunnilingus from below allows you to reach up and stimulate one or even both nipples (). If your partner likes vaginal stimulation, you can use a finger or two, and for some women, a finger near or inside the anus can be another POS (). Using a toy or implement can add another POS or two, like nipple clamps or vibrating cock-ring (which can be worn on your finger). Our other senses are also a POS, so certain deodorant or cologne can increase arousal too (even just being bathed, clean, shaved and groomed adds a lot). With practice and patience, one person can “activate” as many as 5 or 6 POS at the same time (although keeping that up for more than a few minutes can be challenging) and with that level of arousal, most women would be climaxing in mere minutes.

For both those two things, listening is also key. Talk to your partner to find out if that “works” for them, and what level of energy or action is OK or not. This is critical because many women prefer we stay FAR away from their ass.

A 4th point to keep in mind is to be consistently INCONSISTENT. While men tend to be very consistent with their arousal, many women do not, and so humility is important. Just because what you know worked on other women before, doesn’t mean you’re a shoe-in, and even if you delivered amazing orgasms to this specific partner for years using one way doesn’t mean they cannot change. So tip no. 2 above is ALWAYS important….you always have to listen and be willing to adjust and learn, and try new/different things. I’ve been doing this for 25 years and I always come-up with new things to try. Not many people are capable of this level of dialog, but having a conversation after-sex to learn what was good and what wasn’t is super helpful for future get-togethers.

Another idea (no. 5), which might sound crazy, but will definitely make you a better lover, is to try to PUT-AWAY your own orgasm. My rule of thumb is “if she doesn’t cum, I don’t either”, and while there’s some flexibility there with my regular partners (sometimes they don’t, sometimes I don’t, and over time it balances out), it’s very important to me when starting relationships. It builds trust, earns respect, and creates a solid foundation for a long-term relationship. And of course, even if I’m super-aroused, we all know I can get myself off in about 30 seconds once we go our separate ways, and there’s nothing wrong with that (many women would see that as a compliment even). The biggest downfall to all relationships is selfishness, so if you can conquer that, you are on the right track to being a better lover and better person.

The final tip (6) is to remember that while the erogenous zones become super sensitive after climax for the majority of people, this is also precisely the right time for AFFIRMATION. Hold her, hug her, be close and intimate even more than before. Those are the moments that cement the relationship and where it can turn from just sex into a real connection. If you turn-over and fall asleep, or choose this moment to go take a shower, that’s a high risk of losing her forever, but a long embrace is what could make it into a long-lasting relationship. Even if it’s hot and you’re both sweaty and sticky, the least you should do is do a “face hug” (touching cheek-to-cheek, or place your hand on the side of her neck…some kind of touch that shows you ARE HERE).

ADVANCED TIP: Try "face-sitting" at least once (cunnilingus with you laying down, and the female crouching on your face). This gives the woman more control over placement and pressure, and in my experience, leads to the best orgasms BY FAR. This also often leads to squirting, if that's something you like, though in that position, dealing with that outcome can be tricky to some people.

To conclude, I have to say again that ultimately, people are not machines, and nothing I said here is universal. There are plenty of women who just want to get rammed long and hard by enormous cocks. There are plenty who just want to get straight to fucking. There are people who are too-sensitive around their neck or other body parts, and people who are turned-off by certain colognes. There are plenty who would want nothing more than you GONE the second they climax. I hope any of the women who have different preference than some of the things I listed above don’t find this offensive and understand that my goal here is to guide mis-guided or inexperienced people into being a more considerate, caring and invested lovers. Please feel free to share any respectful thoughts, tips or suggestions of your own in the comments, for the benefit of mankind.

Emotions and actions

The most common misconception I encounter when discussing emotions with people is this: emotions are not the same as actions, and there is a big difference between controlling emotions and controlling actions. I myself am an EXTREMELY emotional guy. I feel frustration, sadness, love and joy at least as much as any other human being out there. I enjoy my good emotions and respect the negative ones (we all need a solid cry now and then), but I don't try to suppress them. However, many years ago I mastered controlling my ACTIONS. Feeling frustrated at a situation doesn't mean I will allow myself to yell, shout, curse or do anything else that might hurt someone else (which is of particular significance, since I’m a big and strong guy). Feeling enormous amounts love, which I do, and often, doesn't mean I tell it to everyone or babble endlessly about it either.

Controlling one's action in response to their emotions is very important. Most of us get angry, or feel other emotions, from time to time, and it’s only natural to want to expel these emotions. Who never wanted to bash someone’s face in occasionally? I certainly did too, mostly during my army service. However, good people don't let those emotions ruin theirs or others' lives. What should you do instead? To each their own. Some people have a therapist, others expel their emotions at inanimate objects (whether it’s their own walls, or perhaps at an “anger room”). My way? I WRITE. I write letters to people or organizations that trigger those feelings, and I then expand, edit and refine them until I feel I “delivered” a perfect message of how I feel. That’s it….I don’t print or send the letters. Just putting the words down is all it takes to calm me down.

Are you a person who gets loud, prickly or violent in tough situations? That’s dangerous, and every one of us should spend time to figure out a system of handling that. Whether it’s an anger-management therapy or just buying yourself a good-quality punching bag, it’s important to keep your sanity, or perhaps keep you out of jail. And almost as important is to remember that when we talk about this, to make that distinction between emotions and actions. It is one of the most prevalent issue in many relationships, both domestic and otherwise. When someone else asks you to control yourself, they never mean that you're not allowed to FEEL. Just that you should suppress the ACTIONS those feeling might be driving you to take.

Love with all your heart, hate with your pen!

Rules and regulations in the poly world

Many good souls ask for my thoughts or advice about transitioning their monogamous relationship into an open relationship of some kind (which could be polyamory, but also other varieties I deal with). I don’t proclaim to have all the answers, and there’s certainly way more than one way to do things. However, there is one thing that I believe is a fundamental thing, and I keep seeing evidence that shows it’s the right philosophy. The way I see it, people should try to accept that our world is chaotic and that the vast majority of us are just a leaf on the wind. We have little knowledge or control of what happens around us, and accepting it is, in my opinion, a key to being happier and having more successful relationships, particularly in the poly world.

People who transition to open relationships usually are afraid of losing what they perceive as control of the situation (which itself is an illusion that monogamy "sells"). Driven by fear of losing control, or losing their partner, they look for ways (consciously or subconsciously) to know what their partners is doing or might do. Will they fall in love with someone? Will they have sex with them? Will they want to leave and be with the new person? Will the life they built together fall apart?

Yeah, that's scary shit, and so people often deal with that by trying to make rules to keep a grip on things. For example: "You can't start dating another person without telling (or asking) first" or "you can only date up to X number of new people in a given period" or even the more problematic "you can have sex, but can't fall in love".

However, they soon discover that this doesn't work. Even if their partner is actually capable of following whatever rules they have (which is rare), they still feel they are losing their grip, and their partner always feels afraid (of unintentionally breaking the rules, or being "caught" and "punished" for doing so). They themselves never gain back that comfortable "certainty" that monogamy offers (in quotes, because the reality is, most people don't actually feel it at all).

The way I practice love, and other things, is based on the old saying "if you love someone, let them go". This does not mean “go away” as some interpret it, but “set them free”, which is how it’s phrased in some places. Yes, not knowing what your partner is doing or might do is scary, but we need to learn to live with some uncertainty. Giving someone freedom is the only way to really keep them around. The full saying is “If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” Because the less restrictive and controlling we are, the more people stick around. And if they don't, then they would have left anyway sooner or later, and that is more likely to be with more bitterness, frustration, anger, etc.

This, by the way, goes for other relationships, because the need to be in control, and the need to break out of control, is universal to almost all people. Parents who try to control their children often find themselves alienated later in life, and even some employers (most notably in the tech sector) realize that the more freedom you give your employees, the more they’ll stick around and do better at their jobs. The COVID pandemic has put this to the test for many people and employers as well. Pretty much everyone had the desire to work from home full-time, which made quite a few employers and bosses itchy. “Can we trust out employees to be productive even when not being constantly watched?” “Are they going to be as loyal and reachable?”. Some employers did the panic thing and tried to maintain control and order in various ways, from requiring daily ‘check in’ emails to writing-up complicated and detailed policies and rules. However, with COVID, employers didn’t really have much of a choice than to let most employees work remotely (and those who didn’t found themselves facing empty rooms, as many of their people quit). The results has proven to be very successful, with the vast majority of companies and people working flawlessly and achieving similar levels of performance to what they had before the plague. To me, this is strong proof that the best way is to accept the chaos and trust people. If you are one who struggles with letting go, going poly is not going to be easy, but if you are successful in learning this skill, I’m confident you will have a better life.

Transparency matters

Those who know me know I'm an extremely transparent person (about myself, that is). I will answer any question about me, no matter how personal. I'll gladly talk about my feelings, sex, gender and anything else, if someone wants to, and without limits. I'll even tell you how much I make, and how much I have in the bank, if asked. Only exceptions are my passwords and a few small things tied to my security and safety.

Yesterday, someone asked me WHY I'm like that. There are several reasons. One is that I have no reason to hide anything. I'm happy and proud about most of what I've done and have, and I don't dodge responsibility for the things I'm not proud of. Secondly, transparency inspires TRUST, which is very important to me to both give and get. Third, I want everyone else to be transparent. I desire to have transparency from my friends, family, boss, colleagues, politicians and leaders, but before I can ask for it, I need to practice and demonstrate it myself (and by being transparent and successful, I show others that it can work). And the fourth reason: it's just so much simpler. Telling the truth and being transparent is the simplest, because Its much easier to remember.

A few people I know are the exact opposite. They only browse in "private" mode, avoid social media, never talk about anything personal and flaunt their secrecy as if it makes them better than everyone else. I know some folks who don't even tell their own wives or husbands how much money they make, or present themselves with a fake name. Naturally, it's their right to do so, but to be honest, none of them are particularly happy. Being so closed-up has left them with little to no friends, and most of them are in a nearly constant state of fear and stress (that someone will find out something about them). That's no way to live, I think. Human beings are social creatures. We need each other and we need human connection. Let's all just live honestly and transparently! 

The importance of branding

A friend of mine showed me a "business" card he had printed, which he can hand out at parties and events to connect with people. Naturally, he's not the first and I’ve done the same all the way back in 2016 (I called it my "pleasure" card). I was the first to do this in my community, I believe, but of course I didn’t invent business cards.

However, my friend elected to out his photo on it. I illustrated to him that while there is some value in people remembering how you look like; a card is more than a tool for sharing info. It is his brand; and an opportunity to show a piece of his personality. My card has a modern, "clean" graphic that also uses some negative-space elements, plus a joke, which all come together to tell a story and leave an impression (you can see it in my profile photos, if interested).

I'm not a pro designer, I should note, but I have acquired some skills and experience in that realm, enough to design stuff like that and to understand the notion and importance of branding. This is the difference between a $50 print job, which will likely not bring much return, vs a $300 design job, which is more likely to. Same applies to other things in life. One's choice of clothing, colors, conduct, language and even one's car and house.

I should add that not everyone needs branding or needs it all the time. If you’re a software engineer, it doesn’t matter much what your neighbors think of your brand, but at the office, it certainly can make a difference as advancement and promotions are considered. At places like Microsoft, Facebook and google, it matters less what you wear, but there are other aspects of branding. Are you on time? Are you trustworthy? Are you reliable? Are you open? Ethical? Organized? Realistic? All these come together to build your brand as someone who is "going places" or lesser so. If you don’t have a career or aspirations, none of this matters, but if you do, it could make a big difference between success and mediocrity. If you are a person who is less successful than you'd like, think about your brand and what you’ve done or haven’t done to build it. Ask a few friends what THEY see as your brand. Think about what things you can do to change or grow it. Might be something gimmicky like a catchphrase or a whimsical necktie, or maybe something more profound like regularly sharing pearls of wisdom or being more supportive than others. It’s never too late to become a better you.

I am imperfect

I’m weak.

The most powerful thing one can do is admitting one’s own faults.

I am weak, I'm afraid, I'm lazy, I'm bad. These are some of the things you'll rarely hear anyone say about themselves. We are all taught from early childhood to be strong, and never admit our weaknesses. But we all have them. Some of us base their decisions on fear. Some of us are greedy or lazy. Many of us steal and almost all of us lie regularly (according to research).

However, there are few things in life that are as powerful as admitting one's faults and weaknesses. When you share a weakness or vulnerability with someone else, you let them into your inner sanctum, which is one of the best and fastest ways to build trust. This builds trust because when you give someone something they can use against you, you are showing them you trust them, and most people will reciprocate the trust. Also, our secrets are our weak spot, because most of us fear these being exposed. But if we intentionally expose them, we take away their power. When everyone knows your secrets, they can't threaten or hurt you with exposing them. Instead of working to keep them a secret, and being afraid of being exposed, we can build trust and enjoy the strengths of having less (or no) fear.

Another aspect of this is that by being open and transparent about our less-savory part, we show others that we are just like them. Take me, for example: I’m somewhat successful and popular, but by admitting my faults, it shows people I’m not some arrogant prick hiding in the ivory tower. I have some stuff going for me, but I’m ultimately just like everyone else. A regular guy who cried in movies, eats too much crap, sometimes forget important stuff, and occasionally makes a mistake that hurts others. I try to be the best I can be, but I’m ultimately a flawed human being, just like all of us. I am not proud of my faults, and I’m even ashamed of some of them, but the values of transparency and personal-responsibility trump that. Hopefully, more people will learn to appreciate those values too, and make the world a better place for all of us.

Relationship waves

Most people think of romantic relationships as a LINE: You meet and start at a point, it goes on some trajectory (ideally, an upwards one) that ends of in a fairytale “happily ever after” marriage. Some relationships are on a downward trajectory, ending up in a breakup and “never want to see you again”. This depiction is usually taught to us from an early age by books, movies or other well-meaning people…but is it real?

I’m probably not the only or first one to come up with this, but in my opinion and experience, the above is fiction, and the real world doesn’t work that way. In a movie, which has to end at some point, people expect some kind of “closure”, and so it can end in bliss or tragedy, but some kind of end-point is pretty-much mandatory (there are quite a few movies that are open-ended, and that’s a valid artistic choice, though most people hate that). In real life, however, I like to think of relationship as a WAVE.

Relationships are like a wave in the sense that they can, and often do, go up and down, rather than in a fixed and predictable trajectory. That means that as you develop the relationship, it usually intensified, but at a certain point, it might become less intense. The reasons for that are many. It could be that after a certain period of getting to know each other, you know most there is to know and have already discussed much of what’s to discuss, and so the conversation is less interesting and/or new. Similarly, your intimate connection may have reached a peak and is plateauing. There could be other factors which are external, such as you or your partner facing some life challenge like illness, job loss, mental challenges like depression, difficulties in other relationships with their other partners (if you are not monogamous) or other people in their life.

Having one’s relationship decline is not pleasant, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. As I said, many of us are programmed to think that if the relationship is on a downward slope, it’s “done” and has to end, but that’s not true at all. Just like that at work, you might have a period where you’re less productive, but later become more so once you or your team is done clearing some obstacles, your romantic relationship can bounce back down the line. The low-point in the wave can be for weeks, months or sometimes even years, but if you are able to take a step-back and see it for what it is, things are a lot simpler and easier. For example, in a “down” period, your boyfriend and girlfriend might have other priorities and become less responsive, or their desire to see you declines to be less frequent (say, twice a month vs twice a week). That can trigger feeling of rejection or even depression, but just because their priorities changed doesn’t mean it’s your fault or that you’re no good. It may just mean that your life and energies are out of sync right now. I prefer to spend some time with a person I love, but in my book, I’d rather see them less, than not at all, so if that’s their current preference, I’ll take what I can get.

Naturally, in such a situation, you might need to adjust your own expectations and actions. If your significant other declines most requests to meet, or bails-out often, then after this goes on for some time (I typically give it at least a month before I start to evaluate things), it might be time to reevaluate your relationship. That might include pursuing them less (say, messaging them weekly instead of daily) and giving them the space they need to be happy. You might also consider how long of the downward slope you can be OK with. For some, six months or a year is OK, while others might blow-up after just a couple of weeks. If you’re in that situation, I’d like to encourage you to be patient. My own patience is for about 6 months, which could seem crazy to some folks, but many partners I had went through a tough or weird time and then “came back”, so this patience paid off.

Some would respond to this saying “But I’m worth more” or “I have better things to do than to wait around for him or her”. No doubt you are worth plenty, but that’s the wrong way to see it, and both these sentences are just a way to say “I don’t have the patience”…and you should, because your partner is ALSO worth it (well…I hope they are!). What I’m saying is that whatever they are going through might happen to you someday, and so giving them the space now might pay-off later when you yourself need the space. Besides, even being put on hold like that feels insulting or humiliating, it doesn’t have to. If you stop interpreting it that way, and just realize it’s DIFFERENT, not LOWER priority, it will help you move past it and enjoy other aspects or parts of the relationship.

And even if you are convinced that the slope means the relationship will never recover (which is possible), treating it like a change, rather than an ending, can result in a NEW relationship. You and him/her may not be viable as a romantic couple, but chances are that whatever brought you together is still there, and you might be perfect as party-partners, pot-pals or beach-buddies. Just like some relationships change from friendship to romantic, there’s no reason they cannot change back and be totally fun and viable. It’s just a matter of setting the right mind-set and expectations.

Another way to look at it is like planets. Each planet has a path in space, and that path gets it closer to others sometimes, but also can move it further at times…and then back closer later. If your lover is drifting away, think of them like a comet or satellite that’s far right now, but will come back sometime (some even use the term “comet” or “satellite” partners to describe some relationships) when it’s ready. If your mind is open to it, you can enjoy it when they are back, and I’ve seen quite a few cases when a relationship grew STRONGER, because the partner realized how wonderful their partner is for being patient and accommodating.

Leadership ethics

Being active in the poly community for several years, I have learned that some people find me attractive (and at least one told me I was absolutely and without a shadow of a doubt the most repulsive human in history, bar none). the former is a bit of a surprise as I always thought of myself as fairly average, and certainly not anything special. I'm not going to lie…it feels quite nice to be the subject of people's interest, but since I'm an event organizer, this can be a bit tricky.

As a host, I'm perceived as having a position of influence and power. It's not true - in reality, I don't actually have power of any kind (unless you consider laying down a kick-ass cheese and meat platter "power"), but the perception exists and with it, a burden. I've encountered several individuals who were evidently interested in me because they felt it would benefit them in some way, or that my non-existent "power" would somehow be shared with them. Naturally, that type of interest is not a foundation for a good or healthy relationship. Even if the motivation is not ulterior, I can't ignore the fact that some people treat leaders differently, which may motivate a person to engage in some activity with me because they think I want it, and putting their own will or preference aside. This represents an ethical conundrum, because for me, consent and agency are critical values and I want to be sure that whatever I do doesn't hurt someone, or that no one does something for the wrong reasons. If a person does something they wouldn't normally do, just to get close to me, or because they want to please me, that is a power-imbalance, which is unacceptable to me. Not only do I not want to control anyone, it's important to me that people in my life are as strong and independent as they can be. Naturally, this is even more critical if this pertains to anything sexual or romantic.

This isn't simple, because I can't read minds, and some queues are subtle. My approach is usually "better safe than sorry", and in case of doubt, stay back. In several years of running my events, this approach has served me well, but I've also had a few cases where a person was genuinely interested, but interpreted my caution as me being uninterested, or that it indicated they were flawed in some way. For me to be ethical, respectful and safe, I can't rely on subtle queues, gestures, hints or anything that is less than a clear and verbal message. This also ties to the verbal-consent model that I expect my members to follow at our cuddle events. I expect my guests to use verbal consent with each other so that there is no doubt or misunderstanding as to what a person meant. And most importantly: if you read this and took a liking to me, but I seem uninterested, try to not assume it's your fault or that I'm cold. Sometimes, that's part of the burden of being the host. I wish there was a simple, elegant and effective solution for this, but I don't believe one exists. Naturally, anyone is always free to speak their mind and be "straight" with me, but in reality, many people struggle with being so direct (especially here, in the Pacific Northwest). Our society has progressed significantly in that sense, but some people still have insecurities, or are just shy. This is just something we all have to figure out for ourselves.

A touch tells a story

Those familiar with the languages of love know that one of them is "words of affirmation". Saying "I love you" and similar verbal queues is a wonderful way to connect, but youch itself is also a love language.

"Physical touch" is indeed listed as a love language, but most people think of it terms of a hug, a kiss, a caress or a cuddle, but it's much more than that. Our skin is the largest organ in our bodies, and that gives us a surface of 16-22 square feet on which we can feel touch. We can feel touch, movement, pressure, heat, cold, and even moisture (as well as secondary feelings from touching our hair). This give us the ability to really tell a story with our touch. A gentle caress up one's neckline, behind the ears and on the back of the neck, followed by a firm grasp pulling them towards you can send as powerful a message as anything you might say, and be loving, sensual and passionate much more than words can say.

I touch a lot. As an avid cuddler, and group-cuddling organizer, I do more touch than most folks. Often times, I find myself relying on my fingertips to say what I feel. Sometimes, it's a good way to convey my emotions to someone I have a relationship-with, when words just can't cut it. Sometimes, my touch complements what i'm saying. It also connects us in ways that words cannot, because even the most beautiful and articulated sentiment is just a few seconds long, while a touch can last for hours.

We all need more touch!

Tips and thoughts for a successful online profile for our community

As I discussed last week, one's profile on FetLife is important, as it's often the 1st, and sometimes the only impression it makes on potential new friends, play-partners and romantic interests. You can also think of it as your Resume or business-card, if you will.

Since many people as me for guidance on creating a good profile, I’m putting some ideas and thoughts here. These should not be treated as "rules", but rather a path. No two people are the same, and so no two profiles should be.

One thing to keep in mind is that just like Resume's, people can put whatever they like on their profiles, and we have bad elements who deceive and lie. This has made many people weary and suspicious of profiles. I myself, when I vet individuals, I look at a lot more than the profile, of course, and it's quite time-consuming, but it's a small price to pay for building a safe community, spaces and events. Following some of the thoughts here can help you build a profile that inspires trust and respect, and can help integrate into our community better. Another way to think about is that a profile isn’t only about what it HAS, but also about what it doesn’t have. In other words, a thin or blank profile, to most people, indicate carelessness or laziness, neither of which are respected qualities of a person.

The main thing to remember is that a profile is more than a sum of its parts. A profile tells a story, and the more complete it is, the better the story, and the more likely that others will like it, and like the author. That means that writing 10 pages for your welcome text is great, but if everything else is blank, then it’s still an incomplete story. On a related note, it’s also important to remember most people don’t go on a profile to get a PHD, so content beyond a certain amount become useless, and at some point, might convey an impression or self-indulgence or even ego-mania (talking to you, Mr. “longestcockever” with 1,614 profile pics of your junk).

So, here are my recommendations. Once again, these are not rules (not that I’m anyone to GIVE rules to anyone else)…just what I think is a good framework:

I would recommend at least 2-3 paragraphs of text. One about "who" you are...what kind of person you are. A second about your fetish/kink/sex (what you’re looking for, what you like, a word about what you’ve done, etc.). More is better, as long as you don't go into over-indulgence fever.

When writing, do not go overboard with the styling (font sizes, emphasis, etc.). It’s considered childish and tacky (like having a PowerPoint deck with a lot of effects)

Upload at least a dozen photos, but here too don't go crazy. They don't all have to be of you, though at least ¼ should be. If you don’t want to show your face, then I'd recommend at least a full body shot (with the face either cropped-out or blurry). Other photos people upload are about who/what they are, such as a pic of a place they’ve been or love, art piece they made or like, a meme or caricature that means something to them. There are really endless options.

Do not, under any circumstances, set your main profile picture to be a dick-pic. This is universally agreed as a clear indicator of a negative person.

Explore Fetlife’s groups, and find groups with topics of interest. That could be regional groups pertaining to your specific area or neighborhood, hobby groups about your personal job or business, and, of course, groups related to your kinks. Here too, it’s good to keep it balanced. If you are on 68 “biggest tits ever” groups, people might think that’s the only thing you’re about

The FetLife profile page has a place where you can list specific kinks and fetishes. While you could simply write that in your into text, this section makes it easy to choose ones from a “catalog”, and is more visible on your profile. It’s a better way.

Add friends. This can be a challenge if you’re new to the community, because “adding” someone unless you actually have a connection with them is rude. However, you can “follow” people you have seen at events, as well as people who might be well-known or influential in the community. As you attend events (whether in-person or online), you will meet new people and get to know and add them. At community events, it’s very normal for people to share their FetLife, and this is a good place to remind you of the importance of a good name. “Dan1973” is about as uninspired as they come, for example. Try to pick a name that’s fun, funny, meaningful and easy to remember and spell (as opposed to a lot of dashes, repeating letters or weird spelling). Some people (like me) even get business-cards with their Fetlife alias, so they can hand them out at events. There are free card-printing services, but I feel that spending $25 on a box of cards is a pretty good investment, as it would get you about 250 of them, which would last months of frequent activity. My go-to provider is 3dayprintclub.com

Finally, WRITE. Just like this article, which you just read, sharing thoughts, ideas, info and tips with others is a good way to show your colors. Take the time to use a spell and style checker and try to come up with fun or useful stuff a few times a month. This goes a long way.

Apologies

Did you mess things up? We all do. Are you sorry for it? Maybe. Sometimes, we are, sometimes we aren’t, but still need to apologize, but there’s more to an apology than saying “Sorry”. Fucking up is not a single thing, but a wide scope from a simple thing like forgetting to put the toilet seat up (or down) to intentionally murdering millions of people. As such, an apology may be more complicated than just uttering one word and going about your business.

In the book “games people play” by psychiatrist Eric Berne (1964), he uses the term “transactional analysis” to describe much of human interactions, meaning that many of our interactions are similar to a monetary exchange. Applying that to a mistake/apology scenario, one could think of it as a purchase. The more you fucked up, the more you have to “pay”, and that payment comes in the form of a more elaborate, complex or even financially expensive steps.

The way I see it, an apology can have anywhere between one and six parts. To be transparent, I am not the only one who came up with this notion, and numerous others have devised similar systems, but the following is my own thought and the way I handle things when I need to. The six parts don’t mean that you need to spend 3 hours writing an apology speech because you bought salted butter instead of unsalted, of course. The bigger the crime, the bigger the time, so in many situations, a simple “Sorry” might be enough, and in some others, you might need to go further or higher, or be more detailed in the apology and other related actions. There is an old joke about a husband needing to get his wife more and more diamonds to “pay” for his ever-expanding screw ups, but it is true and sometimes words are not enough and you do need to show or prove how you feel with physical representations or actions.

The 1st part of the apology is repentance or regret. This is the most basic and fundamental “sorry”, which might be more detailed to express higher regret, such as “so sorry”, or the more verbal and elaborate “I am so very sorry”. Peppering with stuff like “This should never have happened” or “I feel terrible about this”, if the situation is quite dire.

The 2nd part is acknowledging responsibility – illustrating to the person who was hurt that you truly are taking the blame and not dodging it. This could be as simple as saying “This is my fault” or “I screwed up again”, or may be more complex, which could include details of past or other issues. Naturally, it’s important to not preface or pepper this with any excuses, especially not those who blame the victim (“I wish you stayed home today” or “but I got stuck in traffic”). This is one of the hardest parts for most of us to do, because we are all the hero of our own story, and we always seek ways to dodge blame, either consciously or subconsciously. If you are a person who struggles with saying something like this, practice is the key, as well as getting the idea of being wrong or making a mistake makes you a bad person. We all make mistakes.

Next is the explanation of what went wrong. This is another tricky one, because we should strive to avoid including any victim-blaming or excuses in the explanation, yet still provide a compelling one. Phrasing it correctly is key, so “Got stuck in traffic” is an excuse (because traffic is quite constant in our lives, and a regular one), but saying “I failed to accommodate for traffic” or “I forgot how bad traffic was in this area” is more appropriate, as it includes taking responsibility.

Realizing and showing what went wrong needs to be followed by a learning experience, and expressing that things will be better, and how. For example, “I’ll make sure to take put this on my calendar, so I don’t forget again” or “I will discuss it with my therapist and learn how to express myself better in the future”. That shows the other person that you are committed to being a better person, rather than just trying to shut them up.

Assuming all this went well, the next step is making restitution. This could include doing or giving something to make-up for what you did or said, although often, merely implying or saying that it’s an option is all it takes. For example, a simple “How can I make it up to you?” or “what can I do to make it right?” is enough to convey to the other person that you are serious, and willing to “pay” for your actions. Most people will not actually expect or want any kind of “make up”, or nothing more than a symbolic one, like buy them a cup of coffee or a six-pack of beer, but being willing to take the hit is a great way to show sincerity.

Finally, the last part is simple - request for forgiveness. By now, it’s likely the person has already forgiven, or even provided an indication like “It’s OK”, or some other gesture of forgiveness, but it doesn’t hurt to cement that by a simple ask like “Can you forgive me?” If you are unsure how this is different than just saying “sorry”, the answer is that this is explicitly asking the other person to express and confirm their forgiveness, which is a result of accepting your apology.

I’d like to repeat once more that these steps can be quite a complex and lengthy ceremony, and it’s rarely needed to do the whole thing. The vast majority of mistakes we make in normal life can be handled with a simple, “Oh, I’m sorry – I messed up, please forgive me?” (Which compresses 3 of the above into one short sentence) or a slightly longer “Oh, I’m so terribly sorry, I made a mistake and I hope you can forgive me. It won’t happen again. How can I make it right?” which put together 5 of the 6 in one short sentence. The key is to assess the situation, and make sure your response is appropriate to the “crime”, so that the other person feels it received the appropriate amount of attention, sincerity and respect from you. It’s just as important to not go overboard with length, because over-apologizing can seem like a practiced act and defeat the purpose of this.

To some, the above is instinctual, and others, more of a strain. It’s important to practice this, or at least memorize a few key phrases and when to use them. And before I go, one more thing to remember is that things we say have a very different power when said in-person and in other medium. Using email or text can give you a better platform to express yourself, but it’s usually less powerful than looking a person in the eye and saying the same exact thing. If you royally messed up, and timing allows it, consider saving it for an in-person contact to really drive the point home.

Letting and letting-go

A friend recently lamented to me, saying he regretted letting his wife get some piercing that ended with an infection. Unpleasant turn of events. My friend’s point of view was that due to his commitment to protecting his wife, he thought he should have prevented her from doing the piercing, thus preventing the bad outcome. This scenario happens a lot, with some people letting their loved ones do something (and sometimes regretting it), and others preventing their loved ones from doing something.

If this sounds familiar, or if the idea of letting or not letting sounds like something you might have done, do or might do…here’s a thought for you. “Letting” sounds like a benign word/concept, but it’s actually an act of control. Letting someone do something implies you might not-let them do so, and even if your intentions are good and you do this to protect them, this is still controlling and not OK.

Granted, there are scenarios that are OK. If you are legally in charge of someone, like a parent, boss or a dom in a dom/sub relationship, then it might be your place to let or not-let your person do something. But in all other symmetric (equal) relationships, it is no one’s place to dictate or control what the other is doing, no matter how good the intention is. Providing advice, feedback, info is good and reasonable. A certain amount of persuasion if the risk is significant might also be OK, but as long as your actions and/or words don’t take away the other person’s agency.

This can get quite philosophical when highly critical issues are at stake. For example, if your partner wants to take their own life, or do something that is exceptionally high-risk, like BASE jump off an office building. Is it OK to not-let them do it then? It’s a tough one, but when I found myself in a similar situation a few years ago, my answer was to be as-supportive as I can be, but not in a controlling fashion. That was when a friend asked me to teach them how to use a gun, and when we met at the range, I could see in his eyes that he wanted this knowledge so he could buy one and shoot himself. I loved that man very much and last thing I wanted was him gone, but I felt the right thing to do was to influence him with love, not by force. I confessed to him that I dealt with depression for many years, and I know all about this. I never tried to push or steer him, just reminded him that most problems have solutions and offered to help. He ended up changing his mind and he’s still around today. I don’t know what I would have felt had he gone ahead and taken his life (his depression stemmed from being of conservative background, and facing a failed marriage to a nasty and controlling wife), but I’m glad I never had to find out.

I hope no one reading this ever has to face this decision. Everyone who ever had REAL responsibility knows that it sometimes means having to stand-by and watch someone do something stupid of bad. Might be your child hooking up with a person you know will disappoint them, or making a job/career/financial choice that will end in pain or misery. If you ever feel the desire or need to control someone, try thinking back about your own past or history. Think about a time when someone else let or prevented you from doing something. I’m sure you’ll remember how bad it feels to be controlled like that (even if that led to a positive outcome). When facing the same situation from the other side, this is your chance to learn, evolve, grow. The best things in life will come your way when you relinquish control, not when you take it. Instead of letting…let go.

Opening early

A while back I had to go to the bank. Traffic was light, and I arrived at 8:50am. The branch was supposed to be open at 9, but to my surprise, the teller opened the door for me then, so I didn’t have to wait in the cold for 10 minutes. This seems like a small thing, but I was super impressed by this. Most places are the exact opposite, and will not open their doors a second before the official time, no matter what. A few weeks ago I asked a volunteer at some event I was attending why won’t they let people in a bit early rather then let them stand outside in the rain, and the person’s response was “because the event starts at XX” and “that’s how it’s done, those are the rules”. Another person I asked said it could cause a mess, as the volunteer team was still at-work preparing the space.

With all due respect, I whole-heartedly disagree with any of these notions. As you all know, I run weekly events, and at my events, anyone who shows up before time can always walk in and at least sit-down, rest and enjoy a drink and snacks. Usually, at least a few people show up ahead of time, and no, this never was a problem or caused a “mess”. To support this, I always make sure the space is ready to host at least 30-45 minutes before the official start time (which I’m always able to do even though I do everything myself, with no help of any kind). The way I see it; if I can do this, anyone can, and should. This is basic human decency and respect for one’s guests.

Similarly, I don’t end my events at any specific time. While I do “set” the events to end around 2am to give people some idea of the timeframe, I never kick anyone out and even if I myself am tired (which usually happens around 3-4am), I still tell any remaining guests that they can stay as late as they want, and even spend the night to avoid driving tired. For me, this is a fundamental act of service, as I don’t want to interrupt anyone’s fun for an arbitrary schedule.

If you have ever been my guest, you’re probably already aware of all of this, but the point of this post is not to show-off, but to remind and encourage others to try to think in those terms. Instead of defining rules and timeframes and sticking to them no-matter-what, try to think outside the box. Try to think ‘what is the purpose of this rule?’. Try to consider whether the rule actually does any good. Try to consider whether this rule exists only to handle a few rare bad apples, and if so, perhaps it would be better to just handle those bad apples rather than apply a rule that might be hurtful or detrimental to the all the others. The way I see it, rules are there to tell people who aren’t smart or ethical enough to do the right thing, to do the right thing. For me, instead of this, I just surround myself with smart, kind and ethical people who know and do the right thing without ‘rules’. Does it always work? After almost 4 years of running my events, I can clearly say YES, it does. Not 100%, but so close to it, that the handful of issues that did happen were fairly simple and easy to handle without having to put the good apples in a box.

By the way, I’ve ran across similar ways of thinking in my day-job, which is technical support (something I’ve done pretty-much my entire career). In every position I’ve ever had, my colleagues used to tell me to be rigid and uncompromising with my customers. “If you answer one customer over the weekend, they’ll flood you with requests” or “if you don’t limit how many questions they can ask, they’ll walk all over you”, they said to me. Well, I’m afraid all of these are fallacies. After nearly 30 years of doing this, I’m 200% confident that these kind of issues are exceedingly rare, virtually non-existent. I’ve always been flexible with my customers, and they always appreciated and respected that, and avoided stretching my boundaries unless it was really important. I cannot think of a single time in my entire career where I regretted being flexible and open. Part of that, of course, is that they also always knew I really cared and loved them, and always do my best. This is why I’m still friends with many people who have been my customers over the years. If you’re the kind of person who sticks by the rules at any cost, take it from me…it doesn’t have to be this way. Being flexible is the best path to happiness, both for you, and your guests/customers.

The evils of toxic monogamy

Some people wonder why I spend so much time and energy advocating for polyamory. While I don't post a lot about it in the vanilla world, I do spend a lot of time coaching, counseling and mentoring people who are exploring this lifestyle, and I also volunteer and donate to organizations related to this community. Why is that? Well, beyond the fact that I’m a person who advocates for stuff I think is good, whether it's a person, a product, a service or life choice, the main reason is because I keep being horrified by TOXIC MONOGAMY

I should start by saying that Monogamy is a valid choice. Most people in the world live it and many of them are happy. I myself lived that way for decades and was happy, or at least content for the most part. But by making it the default relationship style, as our society has, we have let monogamy become toxic in our society (to the point that some places make non-monogamy illegal and punishable).

Towards the end of my marriage, and post my divorce, I myself became a victim of this toxicity too. I was shamed, ridiculed and berated for even contemplating the idea of polyamory, and after my divorce, this didn’t stop. I am a man who has vowed to live freely and not let fear or external pressures dictate or control my life and so I’ve been open about my polyamory with friends, family and at work. This led to me being sued in family court by my ex-wife in her attempts to force me to keep polyamory itself, and my practice of it a secret from our son. I refused to be suppressed, and so I fought-back and won, fair-and-square, but this has driven me to take it further and come-out in support of others who might be in the same position. As part of that, I do everything I can to help those who explore non-monogamy.

The work I do with others exposes me to a lot of this toxicity, and while I can’t change the whole world, it is important to me to call it out when I see it. Toxic monogamy is extremely pervasive in our culture, and we see it everywhere. So much so, that many of us think of it as normal or even “good” (as in, if someone is acting this way, it’s a sign of “true” love or of good character). Our language is packed with notions, tropes, jokes and expressions that epitomize it, and these are also hammered into our collective consciousness and perpetuated by the media. For example if you said, or heard, people saying stuff like:

• “You complete me”

• “I can’t live without you”

• “You have to fight for your love/relationship”

• “Happy wife, happy life”

These sort of notions are also the skeleton of nearly every romantic movie and even the classic wedding vows have the line “to have and to hold”, signifying that the spouses “own” each other. Even the word “husband” itself is derived from “bóndi” in Old Norse, meaning “owner”. In my native language Hebrew, the word for husband is “Baal”, which also literally means “owner”.

Toxic monogamy means that many of us are raised and taught the notion that one woman+one man is the only type of relationship that’s valid. Many people come to think of anything else as weird, disgusting or even illegal (**). Many monogamous people can’t fathom that it’s even possible to have a romantic relationship with another person without it being “cheating” or somehow immoral or unethical, even if it’s all done with full knowledge and consent of all parties. People who live by those toxic notions often use various tactics to stop others from engaging in non-monogamy, even if it’s absolutely none of their business (it is similar thought patterns that cause people to oppose gay relationships and marriage, which are also none of their business). This is even worse for people who are in a monogamous relationship and decide to explore non-monogamy. In such situations, it’s very common for their partners to employ a slew of abusive practices to try to forcibly keep the lid on the jar. They use tactics like guilt-trips, slut-shaming, threats and ultimatums to try to force their partners to abandon these ideas and stay the monogamy course. Many have threatened their partners with suicide, destructions (“I’ll bankrupt you in the divorce”) or even using children as collateral (“you’ll never see the kids again”). If the partner persists in their pursuits of non-monogamy, their partner will often turn to various revenge tactics, from simple public-shaming (like my former GF’s husband, who called all their friends to get her ostracized and isolated) to elaborate lawsuits like the one I dealt with. And the worst part of is that many people consider these tactics and actions completely legitimate and even positive in some twisted way.

** Non-monogamy itself is not against the law, but most governments have made marrying multiple people a misdemeanor or felony, punishable by up to 3 years prison in some jurisdictions. In the United States military, a soldier can be prosecuted for any non-monogamy (“cheating”) and face up to a year in jail and a dishonorable discharge. I find it insane that a government not only meddles in people’s love life, but might actually incarcerate them for it. There are also many businesses that apply and enforce a morality clause, which allows them to fire an employee that engages in activity the business consider “immoral”. Those types of businesses, usually religious organizations, often act against people who engage in non-monogamy, as well as the LGBTQ lifestyle.

When consulting others, it’s important for me to not meddle or influence people, and so I generally provide information, but try to avoid expressing an opinion. If someone shares that their partner doesn’t want them to be non-monogamous, I suggest ways of broaching the subject, or ways to negotiate it, but I won’t tell them what to do or not. However, sometimes I encounter incidents where people face action or language that is so over-the-line, that I struggle to remain silent. Let me be clear about this: anyone has the right to feel jealous, frustrated or angry, but NO ONE has the right to act on these emotions and commit abuse. This includes any and all terrorist tactics (tactics aimed at causing someone to act or change-course due to fear, pain, sadness or stress). Admittedly, there’s sometimes a fine-line between convincing and threatening, but in toxic-monogamy situations, people say stuff that’s SO harsh, that there’s really no room for a misunderstanding. If your partner says stuff like “You’re destroying our marriage”, “you’re tearing this family apart”, “You never really loved me”, “How can you do this to me?” (Or to the kids), “What kind of person does that?”….those are all tropes designed to coerce, and that’s NOT OK, no matter what the intention or motivation is. It doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t love you, but your desire to change the framework doesn’t mean you don’t love them either. There’s an old expression “If you love someone, let them go”, and that’s the epitome of a healthy relationship. To really love someone is to respect their wishes, even if that leads to the end of the relationship (**). It is to act selflessly and be supportive of your partner, even if the outcome is against your own preferences.

** And it doesn’t HAVE to. While monogamy and polyamory are contradictory by nature, opening-up a relationship doesn’t mean it has to end. Many people who practice monogamy can’t tolerate the thought of their partner loving or having sex with someone else, and it’s programming that’s difficult to uproot. But those who are able to “take a breath” often discover that having their partner spend an evening or two a week with someone else not only doesn’t mean doom, but also often injects life into the relationship. This is one of the reasons that the polyamory movement has become so prevalent in recent years.

The bottom line here is that no matter what I say, toxic monogamy is highly embedded in our culture, and it’s not going anywhere. Polyamory has had immense growth, but most people still live the monogamy life and continue to harbor and develop those toxic notions of control and emotional terrorism. Hopefully, seeing this will help some folks realize what it is and be able to break-free, rather than succumb to it and stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy, or suffocates them. And maybe their abusers will see this and be reminded that love doesn’t justify abusing your partner, and find a way to have a monogamous relationship without resorting to torture. Maybe.