Yesterday, my Girlfriend broke up with me. For most people, this article would have been a sob-story, full of drama, fire and pain. For me, however, it's quite the opposite of that.
My girl C and I have been a couple for just a hair over a year. We met when we both swiped each other on Tinder, had a couple of lunch dates, and things progressed nicely from there. Other than both of us being members of the Polyamory and Kink communities, we also both liked weapons and firearms, we had similar taste in foods, and much more. During our time as polygamous partners, we went out, stayed-in, had sex, done some kinky stuff, went to community parties, cuddled, went to the range, and a plethora of other things other romantic partners do. However, a few weeks ago, I started feeling C was getting somewhat distant. I knew some of the reasons for it, but all I could do was be as supportive as I can, and hope for the best. I was able to resist the urge to "dig" into it, because I felt being pushy wouldn't make anything better, esp. since C is a strong and independent woman who doesn't appreciate pressure. Yesterday we met for lunch, during which C told me she needs to break up with me. We discussed it, and parted ways as friends. While I can't say I'm happy about the split, I do feel pretty good about how it went. C was honest, open and respectful, and the entire thing went on without any drama or fire. I will miss her, and I suspect she will miss me, but ultimately, I love her enough to put her needs above mine and let go without anger or resentment. Most relationships run their course at some point, and in the world of polyamory, we learn to accept that, and deal with it like adults. C was smart enough to recognize where the relationship was, and act on it in a respectful manner, rather than ignore it and let it rot or explode, and for that, I'm proud of her and love her.
Beyond my personal story here, this is a good chance to discuss this side of polyamory. As I said, most relationships run their course at some point. Sometimes that takes a few weeks, sometimes a few months, and sometimes years. For people in monogamous relationships, this idea usually involves a sense of doom…at least for one side. If your relationship ends, you are ALONE, which can be terrifying for a lot of people. HOW will you find someone else? WHEN will you find someone else? Some even fear that they will never find someone else. These concerns, in addition to the simple fact that you love your partner can cause people to hold-on to relationships desperately, even when it's glaringly obvious that it's over. It's not unusual to see people beg and plead their partners to stay, break-down in tears, make grand gestures or promises, and in some cases, even threats of harming their partners or themselves.
All the above are very unpleasant and are a good example of one of the worst things about Monogamy. In the world of polyamory, things are often different. This is not always the case, of course, and losing a partner is still unpleasant to say the least, but it rarely descents into such dark territory for numerous reasons. The main reason is that in Polyamory, the definition of a relationship is much less strict than in monogamy, and that means that a separation is not always a "break up" per-se, but rather just a change to the relationship. It can be a change to the frequency of seeing each other, a change to the inclusion of sex in the relationship, a change to the definition of the relationship, and these changes don't always have to be a binary "all" or "none". For example, in the case of myself and C, we will certainly see each other at community events, and probably get a meal together now and then. We might even have Sex or do a BDSM scene together, so I'm not "losing" her…just having less of her. Because of this, there was no reason to hold-on to the relationship desperately, and so we can change it now, rather than the common practice in Monogamy of ending a relationship only when it's literally impossible (for at least one side) to sustain it anymore. On the same notion, since we still care and respect each other, the change to the relationship doesn't come with any anger or resentment. She didn't "dump" me and I didn't "give up" on her. We just changed things when the time was right.
Another reason why this is an event and not a catastrophe is that both she and I have other partners. I have a boyfriend and several girlfriends, so I'm far from alone. My other partners will probably be happy to have more of my time (and if not…my dirty dishes will!) and they will support and nurture me through this. Similarly, I'm sure C and her other partners will be totally fine.
So yes…I will miss C, and I would have preferred to stay BF/GF, but our split isn't earth shattering or tragic, and while I'm somewhat sad and quieter than usual, I'm not broken-up or suffering. If you are new to polyamory, or thinking about it, I hope the above can illustrate and guide your experience and expectations. This is the embodiment of the polyamory philosophy.
