Apologies

Did you mess things up? We all do. Are you sorry for it? Maybe. Sometimes, we are, sometimes we aren’t, but still need to apologize, but there’s more to an apology than saying “Sorry”. Fucking up is not a single thing, but a wide scope from a simple thing like forgetting to put the toilet seat up (or down) to intentionally murdering millions of people. As such, an apology may be more complicated than just uttering one word and going about your business.

In the book “games people play” by psychiatrist Eric Berne (1964), he uses the term “transactional analysis” to describe much of human interactions, meaning that many of our interactions are similar to a monetary exchange. Applying that to a mistake/apology scenario, one could think of it as a purchase. The more you fucked up, the more you have to “pay”, and that payment comes in the form of a more elaborate, complex or even financially expensive steps.

The way I see it, an apology can have anywhere between one and six parts. To be transparent, I am not the only one who came up with this notion, and numerous others have devised similar systems, but the following is my own thought and the way I handle things when I need to. The six parts don’t mean that you need to spend 3 hours writing an apology speech because you bought salted butter instead of unsalted, of course. The bigger the crime, the bigger the time, so in many situations, a simple “Sorry” might be enough, and in some others, you might need to go further or higher, or be more detailed in the apology and other related actions. There is an old joke about a husband needing to get his wife more and more diamonds to “pay” for his ever-expanding screw ups, but it is true and sometimes words are not enough and you do need to show or prove how you feel with physical representations or actions.

The 1st part of the apology is repentance or regret. This is the most basic and fundamental “sorry”, which might be more detailed to express higher regret, such as “so sorry”, or the more verbal and elaborate “I am so very sorry”. Peppering with stuff like “This should never have happened” or “I feel terrible about this”, if the situation is quite dire.

The 2nd part is acknowledging responsibility – illustrating to the person who was hurt that you truly are taking the blame and not dodging it. This could be as simple as saying “This is my fault” or “I screwed up again”, or may be more complex, which could include details of past or other issues. Naturally, it’s important to not preface or pepper this with any excuses, especially not those who blame the victim (“I wish you stayed home today” or “but I got stuck in traffic”). This is one of the hardest parts for most of us to do, because we are all the hero of our own story, and we always seek ways to dodge blame, either consciously or subconsciously. If you are a person who struggles with saying something like this, practice is the key, as well as getting the idea of being wrong or making a mistake makes you a bad person. We all make mistakes.

Next is the explanation of what went wrong. This is another tricky one, because we should strive to avoid including any victim-blaming or excuses in the explanation, yet still provide a compelling one. Phrasing it correctly is key, so “Got stuck in traffic” is an excuse (because traffic is quite constant in our lives, and a regular one), but saying “I failed to accommodate for traffic” or “I forgot how bad traffic was in this area” is more appropriate, as it includes taking responsibility.

Realizing and showing what went wrong needs to be followed by a learning experience, and expressing that things will be better, and how. For example, “I’ll make sure to take put this on my calendar, so I don’t forget again” or “I will discuss it with my therapist and learn how to express myself better in the future”. That shows the other person that you are committed to being a better person, rather than just trying to shut them up.

Assuming all this went well, the next step is making restitution. This could include doing or giving something to make-up for what you did or said, although often, merely implying or saying that it’s an option is all it takes. For example, a simple “How can I make it up to you?” or “what can I do to make it right?” is enough to convey to the other person that you are serious, and willing to “pay” for your actions. Most people will not actually expect or want any kind of “make up”, or nothing more than a symbolic one, like buy them a cup of coffee or a six-pack of beer, but being willing to take the hit is a great way to show sincerity.

Finally, the last part is simple - request for forgiveness. By now, it’s likely the person has already forgiven, or even provided an indication like “It’s OK”, or some other gesture of forgiveness, but it doesn’t hurt to cement that by a simple ask like “Can you forgive me?” If you are unsure how this is different than just saying “sorry”, the answer is that this is explicitly asking the other person to express and confirm their forgiveness, which is a result of accepting your apology.

I’d like to repeat once more that these steps can be quite a complex and lengthy ceremony, and it’s rarely needed to do the whole thing. The vast majority of mistakes we make in normal life can be handled with a simple, “Oh, I’m sorry – I messed up, please forgive me?” (Which compresses 3 of the above into one short sentence) or a slightly longer “Oh, I’m so terribly sorry, I made a mistake and I hope you can forgive me. It won’t happen again. How can I make it right?” which put together 5 of the 6 in one short sentence. The key is to assess the situation, and make sure your response is appropriate to the “crime”, so that the other person feels it received the appropriate amount of attention, sincerity and respect from you. It’s just as important to not go overboard with length, because over-apologizing can seem like a practiced act and defeat the purpose of this.

To some, the above is instinctual, and others, more of a strain. It’s important to practice this, or at least memorize a few key phrases and when to use them. And before I go, one more thing to remember is that things we say have a very different power when said in-person and in other medium. Using email or text can give you a better platform to express yourself, but it’s usually less powerful than looking a person in the eye and saying the same exact thing. If you royally messed up, and timing allows it, consider saving it for an in-person contact to really drive the point home.