It’s hard to spend more than a few minutes in a kink party
without hearing the word Polyamory. While Polyamory (or “Poly” for short) isn’t
directly tied to Kink, they both are part of Sex-positive culture, and there’s
a large overlap between people who are kinky and people who are poly, so I feel
this blog is a good place to discuss it.
Polyamory literally means “multiple love”, but I feel the
best way to describe it is that Polyamory is a life philosophy that says
matters of the heart should not be dictated by arbitrary rules, nor should it
be regulated by society or government. In other words, we should all be free to
feel what we feel, rather than have those dictated, censored or regulated by
others. What are these “rules” I’m talking about? Here are a few examples:
1.
Women shouldn’t ask men out
2.
When dating, people should
only have sex after a 3rd date
3.
The course of a romantic
relationship is dating followed by engagement and then marriage for the rest of
one’s life
4.
A woman should remain a
virgin until she is legally married
5.
Every person has only one
true love, and they need to find that person and marry them to be happy
And there are many others. If you are reading this blog,
then you probably don’t agree with several or all of the above, but Polyamorous
people not only disagree with the above, but adopt this philosophy as a
lifestyle choice. While some polyamorists are so only in philosophy, many are
actively poly, meaning their love and sex life is more diverse than
monogamists. For one, poly embraces the notion that a person can love more than
one other person romantically. While we all love more than one person
non-romantically, polyamorists can have a romantic and/or sexual relationships
with more than one partner, and that is only limited by their own choice. For
example, a woman can have a husband, but also date others, or even have other
boyfriends and girlfriends. These relationships can be more or less regular, with
each person’s other life factors affecting things. For example, a person who
has a busy career or many children may only have one day a week for dating.
Another example is a person who has a partner that lives far away, and thus are
only able to see each other once or twice a year. There are even fully romantic
relationships where the partners rarely or even never actually meet in person,
and those aren’t any less important than physical relationships. At the other end of that spectrum, there are polyamorous groups that spend years or even decades living together in a single home, sharing finances, responsibilities and their love for each other.
How can that be? Well, if you really believe in this
philosophy, it can be quite wonderful. It allows people to really make the best
of relationships, because it offers more flexibility to match each person’s
lifestyle. For example, if one is a person who is very dedicated to his career
and only has 1 or 2 nights a week for socializing, their partner can see other
people during other nights, thereby not being lonely at other times. Similarly,
if one is a big fan of hiking, but their partner isn’t, they can find another
partner who is into that, and spend some time with them. The same goes for
sexual compatibility. If one is a big fan of a type of sexual activity their
partner prefers to avoid, they can find another partner that does favor it,
thereby having better sexual fulfillment. For people who are Bi-Sexual, Polyamory is a big boone, as they can have a romantic and/or sexual relationships with a woman and man simultaneously (while Monogamy would force them to choose one or the other).
The notion of Polyamory seems new and radical to many
people, but this is quite the opposite, actually. Having multiple partners is documented and portrayed throughout history, including multiple times in the bible (for example, Abraham, who had a wife and a concubine, and his grandson Jacob, who had 2 wives and a concubine). While most countries have legal restrictions against marrying more
than one person, most don’t forbid a romantic or sexual relationship that
doesn’t involve marriage. In addition, some cultures consider non-monogamy to
be totally normative, especially for certain classes of people. The key
differentiator here is that polyamory is, above all, ethical, meaning
that multiple relationships are practice with consent of all partners involved
(even in cases where some partners prefer not to have details, or even be aware
of other partners). According to estimates, between 15 and 20 percent of
Americans practice some variety of Polyamory, and media coverage of this choice
is constantly increasing (mostly coverage is positive). In some regions of the
US, Polyamory may be even more widespread, as it goes along well with other
open-minded romantic or sexual values, such as LGBTQ and BDSM. I’m of the
opinion that within 5 to 10 years, Poly will become as mainstream as Gay
culture is now (2018) and become accepted by some government bodies as well
(for example, for the purpose of tax or social benefits).
Until then, I would recommend one of the following two books
about the topic. Both of these are considered by many to be a must-read for anyone interested or involved in this lifestyle and culture:
See you at the dungeon!
