Relationship waves

Most people think of romantic relationships as a LINE: You meet and start at a point, it goes on some trajectory (ideally, an upwards one) that ends of in a fairytale “happily ever after” marriage. Some relationships are on a downward trajectory, ending up in a breakup and “never want to see you again”. This depiction is usually taught to us from an early age by books, movies or other well-meaning people…but is it real?

I’m probably not the only or first one to come up with this, but in my opinion and experience, the above is fiction, and the real world doesn’t work that way. In a movie, which has to end at some point, people expect some kind of “closure”, and so it can end in bliss or tragedy, but some kind of end-point is pretty-much mandatory (there are quite a few movies that are open-ended, and that’s a valid artistic choice, though most people hate that). In real life, however, I like to think of relationship as a WAVE.

Relationships are like a wave in the sense that they can, and often do, go up and down, rather than in a fixed and predictable trajectory. That means that as you develop the relationship, it usually intensified, but at a certain point, it might become less intense. The reasons for that are many. It could be that after a certain period of getting to know each other, you know most there is to know and have already discussed much of what’s to discuss, and so the conversation is less interesting and/or new. Similarly, your intimate connection may have reached a peak and is plateauing. There could be other factors which are external, such as you or your partner facing some life challenge like illness, job loss, mental challenges like depression, difficulties in other relationships with their other partners (if you are not monogamous) or other people in their life.

Having one’s relationship decline is not pleasant, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. As I said, many of us are programmed to think that if the relationship is on a downward slope, it’s “done” and has to end, but that’s not true at all. Just like that at work, you might have a period where you’re less productive, but later become more so once you or your team is done clearing some obstacles, your romantic relationship can bounce back down the line. The low-point in the wave can be for weeks, months or sometimes even years, but if you are able to take a step-back and see it for what it is, things are a lot simpler and easier. For example, in a “down” period, your boyfriend and girlfriend might have other priorities and become less responsive, or their desire to see you declines to be less frequent (say, twice a month vs twice a week). That can trigger feeling of rejection or even depression, but just because their priorities changed doesn’t mean it’s your fault or that you’re no good. It may just mean that your life and energies are out of sync right now. I prefer to spend some time with a person I love, but in my book, I’d rather see them less, than not at all, so if that’s their current preference, I’ll take what I can get.

Naturally, in such a situation, you might need to adjust your own expectations and actions. If your significant other declines most requests to meet, or bails-out often, then after this goes on for some time (I typically give it at least a month before I start to evaluate things), it might be time to reevaluate your relationship. That might include pursuing them less (say, messaging them weekly instead of daily) and giving them the space they need to be happy. You might also consider how long of the downward slope you can be OK with. For some, six months or a year is OK, while others might blow-up after just a couple of weeks. If you’re in that situation, I’d like to encourage you to be patient. My own patience is for about 6 months, which could seem crazy to some folks, but many partners I had went through a tough or weird time and then “came back”, so this patience paid off.

Some would respond to this saying “But I’m worth more” or “I have better things to do than to wait around for him or her”. No doubt you are worth plenty, but that’s the wrong way to see it, and both these sentences are just a way to say “I don’t have the patience”…and you should, because your partner is ALSO worth it (well…I hope they are!). What I’m saying is that whatever they are going through might happen to you someday, and so giving them the space now might pay-off later when you yourself need the space. Besides, even being put on hold like that feels insulting or humiliating, it doesn’t have to. If you stop interpreting it that way, and just realize it’s DIFFERENT, not LOWER priority, it will help you move past it and enjoy other aspects or parts of the relationship.

And even if you are convinced that the slope means the relationship will never recover (which is possible), treating it like a change, rather than an ending, can result in a NEW relationship. You and him/her may not be viable as a romantic couple, but chances are that whatever brought you together is still there, and you might be perfect as party-partners, pot-pals or beach-buddies. Just like some relationships change from friendship to romantic, there’s no reason they cannot change back and be totally fun and viable. It’s just a matter of setting the right mind-set and expectations.

Another way to look at it is like planets. Each planet has a path in space, and that path gets it closer to others sometimes, but also can move it further at times…and then back closer later. If your lover is drifting away, think of them like a comet or satellite that’s far right now, but will come back sometime (some even use the term “comet” or “satellite” partners to describe some relationships) when it’s ready. If your mind is open to it, you can enjoy it when they are back, and I’ve seen quite a few cases when a relationship grew STRONGER, because the partner realized how wonderful their partner is for being patient and accommodating.