Planned scenes vs pickup-play

Many people who are new to the world of BDSM get the impression that BDSM clubs are like dance-clubs, where you can just walk-in and "hit" on a person at random to get some kink on. While I can't say this never happens, the reality is that BDSM play is usually something most people prefer to plan carefully in advance. Ad-hoc scenes, also known as "pickup play", happen, but not very often.

The thing is, a BDSM scene typically requires some planning, so most of them are planned days or even weeks in advance, and are done between tops and bottoms that already have established some level of relationship already. There are folks who are OK (or even prefer) with pickup play, but those may not be easy to find, and frankly, I don't really recommend it.

One challenge with pick-up play is the fact that it can be dangerous. In another post I discussed some of the health-related challenged with BDSM play, and the problem with pick-up play is that it may not leave enough time for the players to properly get acquainted and negotiate the content of the scene thoroughly enough.

My advice for newbies is to adjust your own level of expectation. You might be lucky enough to run into another willing pick-up player, but you shouldn't expect to. Instead, focus on building relationships and a solid network of friends. Introduce yourself to people, spend time talking to them and understanding who and what they are, connect on FetLife, and most important - be patient. Once you have built yourself a reputation and have people who are glad to see you at your local dungeon, that's where you can start negotiating scenes. Even then, be prepared that many tops are in high-demand, and may take a while to find an available date and time to do a scene. Consider the fact that even though the actual scene may take only 30-60 minutes, there's a lot of preparation for the top, as well as a cleanup routine that also takes a while. As a result, most tops won't commit to more than two scenes in a single night, and many won't commit to more than one. Keep in mind, though, that good things are worth waiting for, and busy tops are usually the better ones, meaning you will have a better experience.

See you at the dungeon!

Healthy BDSM

I like to say "Violence is not the answer...unless I am the one asking the question". Indeed, whatever your thoughts are about BDSM, there's no denying that it is, in fact, violent, and involves causing some level of physical harm to another human being. However, most BDSM bottoms do prefer to survive the experience, and their tops also prefer to have living subjects rather than dead ones. Here are a few thoughts and ideas about keeping it safe.

The foundation for any BDSM play is consent, of course, but consent can be a bit more complicated than just saying yes or no. One challenge with consent is the fact that during a BDSM scene, the bottom may be flooded with hormones (endorphins, adrenaline etc), which could affect their judgement. It's not uncommon for a bottom to feel a need for more, or to go further in the scene than originally planned, but in that situation, the bottom may be 'legally' impaired (as in, their ability to make rational decisions may be equal or lesser than that of a person who is drunk). For this reason, it is very important for the top and bottom to agree beforehand what the scene will involve, how far it will go, and stick to that plan no matter what. As tempting as it may be for both to go further/deeper/harder, it could lead to regrets, and even a breakdown of the relationship. For example, during the height of the scene, the bottom may ask to be flogged in an area of the body which would leave visible bruising that could cause problems in their non-BDSM relationships or at work.

If you are a new top or bottom, another thing that is important to keep in mind is that people react differently to physical force. First, there's the behavioral response. When hit, some people cry in pain, others just grunt, some giggle, and some just take it silently. With the latter two, it can be hard to gauge whether this calls for the top to proceed, or hold back. Some people instinctively cry "stop" or "more", when either can actually indicate the opposite….which is why the safe-word is such an important concept, as well as the pre-scene discussion and negotiation.

From a physical standpoint, the body's reaction can include reddening of the skin, bruising, and if one is hit hard enough, the skin could break and bleed. It's not unusual for a BDSM scene to include some bleeding, but that needs to be agreed upon in advance, and prepared-for. Preparation includes both sterilizing the top's tools to prevent infection, as well as covering the furniture with plastic or sheets to prevent them getting contaminated with blood. Also, if the scene is done at a non-private dungeon, some more extreme-play may be forbidden or require pre-approval of some sort.

Another physical aspect of this is understanding some basic anatomy. While it's fairly obvious that hitting someone's face, neck or head is dangerous, there are many areas on the body that require special attention. Two notable areas are the kidneys and the spine, both of which are very sensitive and should be avoided. Flogging and hitting is typically done on the thighs, upper-arms, scapulas, chest and buttocks. Areas that are sometimes hit, but need careful consideration are the genitals, breasts, nipples and abdomen. In addition, a pre-scene discussion should include the top questioning the bottom regarding certain medical conditions that could affect the scene. This could include Diabetes, Sciatica (and other back issues), heart condition, bleeding problems etc. In general, I would recommend any top ask their prospective bottoms about any and all medical conditions, and consider whether they could lead to a risk during the scene. For example, if the bottom has had an ulcer, then hitting their abdomen and chest should be avoided.

Ultimately, not everyone is a doctor (though incidentally, many in BDSM are medical practitioners) and one can't always predict or prevent problems. One way to improve your odds as a bottom is to have scenes only with experienced tops. As a top, studying anatomy could help, but you can also try to mentor under an experienced top, or with a very experienced bottom to learn your chops. Another way is to take things slow, and develop a good relationship with your top or bottom. Having such a foundation allows the top to 'sense' where their bottom is, and respond in the best possible way (whether that is to go further, or back). This also circles us back as to why pick-up play is less popular...it simply isn't as safe and pleasurable as planned scenes.

Play safe, and see you on the rack!

Is everyone a pervert?

If you look at sites like FetLife and other kink-related resources, you will realize that the list of kinks and fetishes is quite extensive. Some people like to celebrate their kinkiness by “collecting” and showing-off their affection for unusual activity, while others do their best to steer clear of anything out of the ordinary. However, technically almost everyone has some kink or fetish, and it’s not unusual for someone to not realize they have it. Let’s get technical.

Technically speaking, a kink is any unconventional sexual practice, concept or fantasy. Conventions change from place to place and from culture to culture, but most people’s definition of conventional is “a man inserts his penis into a woman’s vagina in the missionary position until he reaches orgasm and ejaculates”. Obviously, I’m not writing this to suggest that there’s anything not OK with any other form of sex…I’m just trying to set a baseline. This baseline also means that anything else would fall under the definition of either a Fetish, or a kink.

The repercussions can sound a bit weird. For example, there’s hardly any man in modern times that isn’t aroused by looking at breasts. However, breasts are not technically sexual organs, and while modern western society has been celebrating breasts for decades, there are cultures where breasts are not considered to be more attractive than a woman’s elbows or belly-button. All this means that technically speaking, breasts are a sexual fetish, just like being aroused by a woman’s feet.

Another common thing…oral sex. Since oral sex cannot possibly lead to procreation, it is technically considered to be a sexual deviation, and it has been traditionally banned in many religions and societies. In fact, even today, there are quite a few states in the US where oral sex is still explicitly illegal! Same goes for Anal sex. In Alabama, Georgia and several other states, even selling “obscene” items such as Dildos is illegal.

To be clear, I don’t think liking blow jobs or Anal makes someone a pervert, but I do believe that the vast majority of people are kinky to some degree. This is based on results from a lot of statistical data and research available online, as well talking to many people about the topic. A lot of people may not be aware of their kinks, or may not be aware that something they like is a kink (for example, if you are aroused by role-play in which you or your partner wears a specific outfit, such as a maid or a policewoman…that’s a kink). Some people only discover their kinks at a more advanced age, once they get used-to or are less aroused by old-fashioned missionary-position intercourse. I also believe becoming aware of what you like and pursuing it is not only fun and fulfilling, but also healthy, as repression can lead to aggressiveness and depression. Are you interested in finding out your kinks? Here is a list encompassing many of the most common fetishes and kinks around, starting from the tamest to the more extreme:

1. Having sex with two or more people (group sex)
2. Sexual arousal from a specific non-sexual body part such as feet, ears, hair or neck
3. Role playing as a police officer, sex-worker, pizza delivery person
4. Watching others having sex, or being watched
5. Engaging in sexual activity in a place where there’s a major risk of being watched, caught, stopped or humiliated.
6. Watching, wearing or getting watched wearing cloths made out of Latex, leather, vinyl, lycra and other shiny material
7. Watching, wearing or getting watched wearing clothes that are a Uniform for some position of authority or power such as doctor, teacher
8. Watching or performing sexual activity with body parts such as breasts, mouth, anus, feet etc.
9. Ejaculating on various body parts such as the face
10. Wearing opposite-sex cloths, accessories and/or makeup (not part of gender transitioning)
11. Being aroused by specific types of clothing or accessories such as gloves, shoes, boots, heels or glasses used by oneself or partner
12. Watching or performing sexual activity with older partners (MILFs)
13. Watching, listening or performing sexual activity that is very loud, or results in very loud climax, or the opposite (very quiet and repressed climax)
14. Watching or performing anal or vaginal penetration of unusual or very large objects, such as vegetables or bottles
15. Watching, performing, causing or forcing a woman to release fluid during sex (“Female ejaculation”)
16. Watching or performing sexual activity with machines or devices that are very fast and powerful (fucking machines, Sybian) and/or irresistible.
17. Tickling or getting tickled and other physical sensations that aren’t sexual or painful
18. Inflicting/receiving pain via canes, sticks, whips, crops, floggers and other tools
19. Choking or getting choked in order to intensify orgasms
20. Inflicting/receiving spanking as part of intercourse or not
21. Inflicting/receiving pain specifically to the genitals (CBT)
22. Inflicting/receiving pain by biting (esp. nipples, clitoris, neck)
23. Tying up or getting tied up in a way that restricts movement or other physical constraints such as blindfolds, mouth-gags
24. Placing someone or being placed in a device that restricts movement, such as a cage, chamber or chair with straps
25. Sex with exceptionally obese people (Chubby Chasers)
26. Urinating on someone, or getting urinated on (Golden showers)
27. Humiliating or getting humiliated privately or publicly by someone else
28. Arousing someone or getting aroused close to orgasm, but prevented from climaxing (orgasm denial), having the person beg for release, forcing the person to climax against their will.
29. Climaxing or making another climax in a way that avoids continued stimulation during the orgasm (“ruined orgasm”)
30. Ejaculating or being forced to ejaculate large amounts of semen (milking)
31. Watching, giving or receiving manual stimulation to a man’s prostate
32. Getting Tattoos or tattooing another person
33. Piercing the skin of someone, or getting pierced by someone, for placement of rings or other jewelry
34. Inserting needles or having needles inserted into a person’s skin or body
35. Performing or undergoing invasive and/or painful medical procedures such as urinary catheter insertion, rectal exam or Enema
36. Performing or undergoing activity that permanently modified the skin or body (including scarring)
37. Watching others having sex with your partner (cuckold)
38. Watching your partner suffering and/or being humiliated (choking, gagging, screaming in pain)
39. Acting out a scenario of caring for another person pretending to be a child or baby, or being cared for (age play)
40. Acting out a scene of something that frightens you or your partner immensely (for example, with guns, knives or fire)
41. Choking or getting choked as part of a role play
42. Pretending to be an animal, such as dog, fox, cat or horse, or pretending to “train” someone who is acting out that role
43. Watching body parts that are extremely exaggerated in size (breasts, buttocks, penis, testes) or being enlarged to extreme size
44. Watching or performing extreme sexual penetration of organs such as the urethra or the nipples
45. Watching or performing activity that results in bleeding (blood play)
46. Watching a sexual partner smoke or use tobacco products and narcotics, or being forced to use them
47. Watching a sexual partner play with balloons (inflate them, sit on them, pop them)

So, to answer the question I posted in the headline…I personally DO believe that almost everyone is Kinky. My guess is that at least 95% of people have some kink or another, though most may not be aware of it, or may not be aware that the thing that arouses them is a kink. If you are one, I hope to see you on FetLife, or at a future CSPC event. If unsure, check out the following list…maybe your kink is one I haven’t covered. 

Breaking bread

While the majority of BDSM play is done in dungeons (public or private), there’s another part of the community that’s no less important…munches. Munches are semi-official social gatherings for members of the kink community, which allow them to meet, chat and build relationships in an environment that’s dedicated to this sort of thing.

The primary advantage of munches is that they are very available. Munches are usually available in many cities…even ones that are too small to have a public dungeon. For example, if you live in Redmond, WA (like me), you can meet your fellow kinksters at one of 2 munches that happen every month, without having to travel to Seattle. Also, munches are usually at a restaurant, or someone’s home, so there are lesser costs associated with participation. Some munches are even targeted specifically at Parents, and so they can bring their kids and not worry about getting a babysitter.

Munches are usually organized by individuals from the community, and are usually advertised as ‘events’ on FetLife. It’s also not unusual to find a munch listing on a more public channel like FaceBook. A typical munch attracts 10-30 people, and some of them lead to some kind of ‘after-party’ at a nearby dungeon.

Are munches good? You bet’cha! Munches are a great way to meet new people, and make friends (maybe even ending up with new play-partners or even romantic partners). However, there’s one aspect of munches that need to be kept in mind. While munch attendees typically wear regular clothing, making the event look just like a friendly-meeting, the munches are regular, and are therefore sometimes “known” to people who live in the area. This means that you might run into someone you know, and if they are informed, they might realize you are a member of the kink community. Ultimately, it’s not a major risk, and most people think the benefits outweigh this risk.

Interested? Visit your FetLife, and search for “munch”. I’m sure you’ll find one to your liking.

See you at dinner!

Are Sadists evil?

We already discussed the topic of whether people who take lashings or beatings as part of BDSM are crazy…but what about those people who inflict those beatings onto them? Are those people evil? Why do they seem to enjoy hurting others?

Well, the answer to that lies in the fact that most BDSM “Sadists” aren’t actually sadistic. Sure enough, they inflict pain in what may look to the outside as cruelty, but in reality, the vast majority of them are not simply deriving pleasure due to someone else’s suffering.

In a BDSM role-play, the relationship between top and bottom are known as “power exchange”, because the power, or control, is exchanged between the top and bottom. The top may have partial or full control over the bottom, but he or she doesn’t take power…it is given to them willingly by the bottom, and this is done with full trust that the top will use that power well. In that kind of situation, the bottom receives pain willingly, and derives a great deal of enjoyment from it, and the top doesn’t enjoy the bottom’s suffering, but enjoys the bottom’s enjoyment, just like in a massage, the person receiving the massage enjoys it, and the masseuse might relish that joy. A good BDSM top excels not in his or her use of more power, but smart use of that power. Inflicting blows or lashes isn’t done in order to cause endless pain or damage, but to lead the bottom on the path for maximum enjoyment, without surpassing the bottom’s pain threshold. In that sense, BDSM tops actually share a very close and loving relationship with their bottoms, and if you closely observe a BDSM scene, you will notice that a top doesn’t blindly slap the bottom around like you would be chopping a tree, but rather observe him or her intently to make sure that the appropriate amount and quality of pain is delivered and absorbed properly.

In other words, a BDSM Sadist is no more evil than a teacher giving homework to his or her students. They are simply doing their best to take good care of their partners and do right by them. This is also why it’s so important to have a safe word as part of BDSM play, so that the bottom has a clear way to signal to the top if there is genuine distress. While admittedly, not all BDSM role-playing sessions are perfectly balanced and efficient, the vast majority of them involve a good connection between the top and the bottom, that it’s not common for the safe word to be used. Instead, the top is able to sense exactly when is it that he or she should continue, and when he or she should stop, as the bottom has reached full satisfaction from the scene.

See you on the rack!

No tomorrow

With an average viewership of only 750,000 per episode, No Tomorrow is yet another comedy that didn’t survive the commercial TV race of 2016. While as of now, the series hasn’t officially been cancelled, it didn’t receive a renewal decision either, so this, plus the almost-constantly declining ratings pretty much guarantee it’s not coming back.

Why am I dealing with a TV show on a sex-positive blog? Well, one thing that I found particularly alluring about this show is the character of Kareeme, played by actress Sarayu Blue. Blue plays a grumpy and cynical customer service rep on the show, but the fun part is how the character seems to be a proud sex-positive BDSM practitioner, who blurts out multiple reference to our culture in every episode.

For example, in Episode 6 of the show, Kareema’s brother says he doesn’t like strangers touching him, to which she responds with “where is it is the foundation of my social life”. Later, she says to another character “I’ve been into plenty of people, sometimes 2 or 3 at a time”, suggesting she’s polyamorous.

A few episodes later, in the Dec 6 episode (#9), she says to another character “wake me up when you do something that requires a safe word”. In addition to this, both herself, and Marta Milans, who plays her lover Sofia, wear sub collars in most of their scenes.

Considering the fact that the show happens (but not filmed) in Seattle, and Kareema’s specific reference to the “foundation” (possibly referring to the Foundation for Sex-Positive Culture), I have some suspicion that one of the show’s writers may have been involved with our sex positive community. If so, that would be fun to learn!

Making friends in the BDSM and Sex-positive community

The Sex-positive and BDSM communities have some of the friendliest, most open-minded people in the world, and making friends and contacts in such an atmosphere is super easy even for those of us who are more shy and timid. However, if you are not familiar with the rules and etiquette of these communities, it could still be a little intimating. On the other hand, If you plan on walking into a BDSM or sex club thinking that you’ll be instantly stormed by hordes of horny men or women…that’s not the reality either.

While BDSM practitioners and sex-positive people are super open minded, and very sexually active, one must keep in mind that they are not just a bunch of out-of-control horny sluts. While most of us don’t follow arbitrary sexual conduct rules like the “3 date rule”, that doesn’t mean they’ll jump in the sack with anyone who wants them. Generally speaking, the same social “rules” that govern how we behave anywhere also apply within the BDSM and SP community. This means that people want to get to know others before they engage in sex or BDSM play, and they won’t go for it with people they don’t feel safe and good with.

If you are very new to the community and don’t know anyone just yet, you might find yourself at an event or party, standing somewhere with your drink, and not sure what to do or where to start. You might see people around you engaged in all sorts of conversation or play, and have no idea how to join. Well, I don’t have any magic tricks to make shyness disappear, but one thing I’ve found is helpful to many is to arrive at an event early…and by early, I mean as soon as the doors open. At that point, there would be only a handful of people at the place, and most likely they wouldn’t have much to do either. That’s a golden opportunity to strike up a conversation and start making friends. Go over, offer a handshake and introduce yourself by your name or nickname (BTW, if your name is something completely unpronounceable like Mahershalalhashbaz, Szymankowszczyzna or Streichholzschächtelchen…this would be an excellent time to pick something easier like Ben or Kim). Then, start a conversation on some “small talk” topic. This could be anything, though you could consider aiming for one of the following common topics in the community:

•           How long have you been in the community/coming here?
•           What are your favorite kinks?
•           What kind of stuff have you done?
•           What’s your favorite party? (as most clubs have different themed parties)

Also, if it feels appropriate, offer a compliment about the other person’s clothing or general appearance. If you’ve seen that person in a scene (today or in the past), complimenting the scene would go a long way as well.

Another thing that can jumpstart a relationship is offering a massage or a back rub. We are not talking about erotic massage here – just a harmless, non-threatening rub; and most people in the sex-positive community will gladly accept it. Make sure you use a soothing and friendly tone (as opposed to a creepy, stalky one) and express some concern (for example: “Hey…it looks like you could really use a back rub right now…” would be better than “I’d like to rub your back”).

If the other person accepts, this would be a good opportunity to engage in conversation, and the person will stick around for at least a few minutes while you give the massage. If you do a good job, not only will you have gained an acquaintance, but that person might also tell others about it, creating a reputation for you.

Once you’ve gotten acquainted with a few folk, the next step would be to try to join conversations that include people you already know. Be watchful and make sure you don’t butt-in on private conversations (the distance between the talkers would be a good indicator of that) and if you stand next to the talkers, chances are the person you know will introduce you to the other one.

Keep in mind that FetLife is the SP and BDSM communities’ social network, so be prepared to give people your FetLife alias (*), and you can even get yourself a business card with the name printed, to make it easier for people to remember, as I discussed in an earlier post.

* If your FetLife alias is one that’s hard to ‘get’ during normal conversation, that’s probably a good idea to try to find a new one that’s easier for others to hear and remember. For example “BleedingNipples” is going to be much more memorable than “Swagr1989”

With any luck, you’ll have 4-5 new friends pretty fast, and within a few weeks, you’ll have personally met and spoke to the majority of the regular members of the establishment. If you continue with massaging people regularly, pretty soon people will be chasing YOU to say hi!

See you on the massage table!