Leadership ethics

Being active in the poly community for several years, I have learned that some people find me attractive (and at least one told me I was absolutely and without a shadow of a doubt the most repulsive human in history, bar none). the former is a bit of a surprise as I always thought of myself as fairly average, and certainly not anything special. I'm not going to lie…it feels quite nice to be the subject of people's interest, but since I'm an event organizer, this can be a bit tricky.

As a host, I'm perceived as having a position of influence and power. It's not true - in reality, I don't actually have power of any kind (unless you consider laying down a kick-ass cheese and meat platter "power"), but the perception exists and with it, a burden. I've encountered several individuals who were evidently interested in me because they felt it would benefit them in some way, or that my non-existent "power" would somehow be shared with them. Naturally, that type of interest is not a foundation for a good or healthy relationship. Even if the motivation is not ulterior, I can't ignore the fact that some people treat leaders differently, which may motivate a person to engage in some activity with me because they think I want it, and putting their own will or preference aside. This represents an ethical conundrum, because for me, consent and agency are critical values and I want to be sure that whatever I do doesn't hurt someone, or that no one does something for the wrong reasons. If a person does something they wouldn't normally do, just to get close to me, or because they want to please me, that is a power-imbalance, which is unacceptable to me. Not only do I not want to control anyone, it's important to me that people in my life are as strong and independent as they can be. Naturally, this is even more critical if this pertains to anything sexual or romantic.

This isn't simple, because I can't read minds, and some queues are subtle. My approach is usually "better safe than sorry", and in case of doubt, stay back. In several years of running my events, this approach has served me well, but I've also had a few cases where a person was genuinely interested, but interpreted my caution as me being uninterested, or that it indicated they were flawed in some way. For me to be ethical, respectful and safe, I can't rely on subtle queues, gestures, hints or anything that is less than a clear and verbal message. This also ties to the verbal-consent model that I expect my members to follow at our cuddle events. I expect my guests to use verbal consent with each other so that there is no doubt or misunderstanding as to what a person meant. And most importantly: if you read this and took a liking to me, but I seem uninterested, try to not assume it's your fault or that I'm cold. Sometimes, that's part of the burden of being the host. I wish there was a simple, elegant and effective solution for this, but I don't believe one exists. Naturally, anyone is always free to speak their mind and be "straight" with me, but in reality, many people struggle with being so direct (especially here, in the Pacific Northwest). Our society has progressed significantly in that sense, but some people still have insecurities, or are just shy. This is just something we all have to figure out for ourselves.

A touch tells a story

Those familiar with the languages of love know that one of them is "words of affirmation". Saying "I love you" and similar verbal queues is a wonderful way to connect, but youch itself is also a love language.

"Physical touch" is indeed listed as a love language, but most people think of it terms of a hug, a kiss, a caress or a cuddle, but it's much more than that. Our skin is the largest organ in our bodies, and that gives us a surface of 16-22 square feet on which we can feel touch. We can feel touch, movement, pressure, heat, cold, and even moisture (as well as secondary feelings from touching our hair). This give us the ability to really tell a story with our touch. A gentle caress up one's neckline, behind the ears and on the back of the neck, followed by a firm grasp pulling them towards you can send as powerful a message as anything you might say, and be loving, sensual and passionate much more than words can say.

I touch a lot. As an avid cuddler, and group-cuddling organizer, I do more touch than most folks. Often times, I find myself relying on my fingertips to say what I feel. Sometimes, it's a good way to convey my emotions to someone I have a relationship-with, when words just can't cut it. Sometimes, my touch complements what i'm saying. It also connects us in ways that words cannot, because even the most beautiful and articulated sentiment is just a few seconds long, while a touch can last for hours.

We all need more touch!

Tips and thoughts for a successful online profile for our community

As I discussed last week, one's profile on FetLife is important, as it's often the 1st, and sometimes the only impression it makes on potential new friends, play-partners and romantic interests. You can also think of it as your Resume or business-card, if you will.

Since many people as me for guidance on creating a good profile, I’m putting some ideas and thoughts here. These should not be treated as "rules", but rather a path. No two people are the same, and so no two profiles should be.

One thing to keep in mind is that just like Resume's, people can put whatever they like on their profiles, and we have bad elements who deceive and lie. This has made many people weary and suspicious of profiles. I myself, when I vet individuals, I look at a lot more than the profile, of course, and it's quite time-consuming, but it's a small price to pay for building a safe community, spaces and events. Following some of the thoughts here can help you build a profile that inspires trust and respect, and can help integrate into our community better. Another way to think about is that a profile isn’t only about what it HAS, but also about what it doesn’t have. In other words, a thin or blank profile, to most people, indicate carelessness or laziness, neither of which are respected qualities of a person.

The main thing to remember is that a profile is more than a sum of its parts. A profile tells a story, and the more complete it is, the better the story, and the more likely that others will like it, and like the author. That means that writing 10 pages for your welcome text is great, but if everything else is blank, then it’s still an incomplete story. On a related note, it’s also important to remember most people don’t go on a profile to get a PHD, so content beyond a certain amount become useless, and at some point, might convey an impression or self-indulgence or even ego-mania (talking to you, Mr. “longestcockever” with 1,614 profile pics of your junk).

So, here are my recommendations. Once again, these are not rules (not that I’m anyone to GIVE rules to anyone else)…just what I think is a good framework:

I would recommend at least 2-3 paragraphs of text. One about "who" you are...what kind of person you are. A second about your fetish/kink/sex (what you’re looking for, what you like, a word about what you’ve done, etc.). More is better, as long as you don't go into over-indulgence fever.

When writing, do not go overboard with the styling (font sizes, emphasis, etc.). It’s considered childish and tacky (like having a PowerPoint deck with a lot of effects)

Upload at least a dozen photos, but here too don't go crazy. They don't all have to be of you, though at least ¼ should be. If you don’t want to show your face, then I'd recommend at least a full body shot (with the face either cropped-out or blurry). Other photos people upload are about who/what they are, such as a pic of a place they’ve been or love, art piece they made or like, a meme or caricature that means something to them. There are really endless options.

Do not, under any circumstances, set your main profile picture to be a dick-pic. This is universally agreed as a clear indicator of a negative person.

Explore Fetlife’s groups, and find groups with topics of interest. That could be regional groups pertaining to your specific area or neighborhood, hobby groups about your personal job or business, and, of course, groups related to your kinks. Here too, it’s good to keep it balanced. If you are on 68 “biggest tits ever” groups, people might think that’s the only thing you’re about

The FetLife profile page has a place where you can list specific kinks and fetishes. While you could simply write that in your into text, this section makes it easy to choose ones from a “catalog”, and is more visible on your profile. It’s a better way.

Add friends. This can be a challenge if you’re new to the community, because “adding” someone unless you actually have a connection with them is rude. However, you can “follow” people you have seen at events, as well as people who might be well-known or influential in the community. As you attend events (whether in-person or online), you will meet new people and get to know and add them. At community events, it’s very normal for people to share their FetLife, and this is a good place to remind you of the importance of a good name. “Dan1973” is about as uninspired as they come, for example. Try to pick a name that’s fun, funny, meaningful and easy to remember and spell (as opposed to a lot of dashes, repeating letters or weird spelling). Some people (like me) even get business-cards with their Fetlife alias, so they can hand them out at events. There are free card-printing services, but I feel that spending $25 on a box of cards is a pretty good investment, as it would get you about 250 of them, which would last months of frequent activity. My go-to provider is 3dayprintclub.com

Finally, WRITE. Just like this article, which you just read, sharing thoughts, ideas, info and tips with others is a good way to show your colors. Take the time to use a spell and style checker and try to come up with fun or useful stuff a few times a month. This goes a long way.

Apologies

Did you mess things up? We all do. Are you sorry for it? Maybe. Sometimes, we are, sometimes we aren’t, but still need to apologize, but there’s more to an apology than saying “Sorry”. Fucking up is not a single thing, but a wide scope from a simple thing like forgetting to put the toilet seat up (or down) to intentionally murdering millions of people. As such, an apology may be more complicated than just uttering one word and going about your business.

In the book “games people play” by psychiatrist Eric Berne (1964), he uses the term “transactional analysis” to describe much of human interactions, meaning that many of our interactions are similar to a monetary exchange. Applying that to a mistake/apology scenario, one could think of it as a purchase. The more you fucked up, the more you have to “pay”, and that payment comes in the form of a more elaborate, complex or even financially expensive steps.

The way I see it, an apology can have anywhere between one and six parts. To be transparent, I am not the only one who came up with this notion, and numerous others have devised similar systems, but the following is my own thought and the way I handle things when I need to. The six parts don’t mean that you need to spend 3 hours writing an apology speech because you bought salted butter instead of unsalted, of course. The bigger the crime, the bigger the time, so in many situations, a simple “Sorry” might be enough, and in some others, you might need to go further or higher, or be more detailed in the apology and other related actions. There is an old joke about a husband needing to get his wife more and more diamonds to “pay” for his ever-expanding screw ups, but it is true and sometimes words are not enough and you do need to show or prove how you feel with physical representations or actions.

The 1st part of the apology is repentance or regret. This is the most basic and fundamental “sorry”, which might be more detailed to express higher regret, such as “so sorry”, or the more verbal and elaborate “I am so very sorry”. Peppering with stuff like “This should never have happened” or “I feel terrible about this”, if the situation is quite dire.

The 2nd part is acknowledging responsibility – illustrating to the person who was hurt that you truly are taking the blame and not dodging it. This could be as simple as saying “This is my fault” or “I screwed up again”, or may be more complex, which could include details of past or other issues. Naturally, it’s important to not preface or pepper this with any excuses, especially not those who blame the victim (“I wish you stayed home today” or “but I got stuck in traffic”). This is one of the hardest parts for most of us to do, because we are all the hero of our own story, and we always seek ways to dodge blame, either consciously or subconsciously. If you are a person who struggles with saying something like this, practice is the key, as well as getting the idea of being wrong or making a mistake makes you a bad person. We all make mistakes.

Next is the explanation of what went wrong. This is another tricky one, because we should strive to avoid including any victim-blaming or excuses in the explanation, yet still provide a compelling one. Phrasing it correctly is key, so “Got stuck in traffic” is an excuse (because traffic is quite constant in our lives, and a regular one), but saying “I failed to accommodate for traffic” or “I forgot how bad traffic was in this area” is more appropriate, as it includes taking responsibility.

Realizing and showing what went wrong needs to be followed by a learning experience, and expressing that things will be better, and how. For example, “I’ll make sure to take put this on my calendar, so I don’t forget again” or “I will discuss it with my therapist and learn how to express myself better in the future”. That shows the other person that you are committed to being a better person, rather than just trying to shut them up.

Assuming all this went well, the next step is making restitution. This could include doing or giving something to make-up for what you did or said, although often, merely implying or saying that it’s an option is all it takes. For example, a simple “How can I make it up to you?” or “what can I do to make it right?” is enough to convey to the other person that you are serious, and willing to “pay” for your actions. Most people will not actually expect or want any kind of “make up”, or nothing more than a symbolic one, like buy them a cup of coffee or a six-pack of beer, but being willing to take the hit is a great way to show sincerity.

Finally, the last part is simple - request for forgiveness. By now, it’s likely the person has already forgiven, or even provided an indication like “It’s OK”, or some other gesture of forgiveness, but it doesn’t hurt to cement that by a simple ask like “Can you forgive me?” If you are unsure how this is different than just saying “sorry”, the answer is that this is explicitly asking the other person to express and confirm their forgiveness, which is a result of accepting your apology.

I’d like to repeat once more that these steps can be quite a complex and lengthy ceremony, and it’s rarely needed to do the whole thing. The vast majority of mistakes we make in normal life can be handled with a simple, “Oh, I’m sorry – I messed up, please forgive me?” (Which compresses 3 of the above into one short sentence) or a slightly longer “Oh, I’m so terribly sorry, I made a mistake and I hope you can forgive me. It won’t happen again. How can I make it right?” which put together 5 of the 6 in one short sentence. The key is to assess the situation, and make sure your response is appropriate to the “crime”, so that the other person feels it received the appropriate amount of attention, sincerity and respect from you. It’s just as important to not go overboard with length, because over-apologizing can seem like a practiced act and defeat the purpose of this.

To some, the above is instinctual, and others, more of a strain. It’s important to practice this, or at least memorize a few key phrases and when to use them. And before I go, one more thing to remember is that things we say have a very different power when said in-person and in other medium. Using email or text can give you a better platform to express yourself, but it’s usually less powerful than looking a person in the eye and saying the same exact thing. If you royally messed up, and timing allows it, consider saving it for an in-person contact to really drive the point home.

Letting and letting-go

A friend recently lamented to me, saying he regretted letting his wife get some piercing that ended with an infection. Unpleasant turn of events. My friend’s point of view was that due to his commitment to protecting his wife, he thought he should have prevented her from doing the piercing, thus preventing the bad outcome. This scenario happens a lot, with some people letting their loved ones do something (and sometimes regretting it), and others preventing their loved ones from doing something.

If this sounds familiar, or if the idea of letting or not letting sounds like something you might have done, do or might do…here’s a thought for you. “Letting” sounds like a benign word/concept, but it’s actually an act of control. Letting someone do something implies you might not-let them do so, and even if your intentions are good and you do this to protect them, this is still controlling and not OK.

Granted, there are scenarios that are OK. If you are legally in charge of someone, like a parent, boss or a dom in a dom/sub relationship, then it might be your place to let or not-let your person do something. But in all other symmetric (equal) relationships, it is no one’s place to dictate or control what the other is doing, no matter how good the intention is. Providing advice, feedback, info is good and reasonable. A certain amount of persuasion if the risk is significant might also be OK, but as long as your actions and/or words don’t take away the other person’s agency.

This can get quite philosophical when highly critical issues are at stake. For example, if your partner wants to take their own life, or do something that is exceptionally high-risk, like BASE jump off an office building. Is it OK to not-let them do it then? It’s a tough one, but when I found myself in a similar situation a few years ago, my answer was to be as-supportive as I can be, but not in a controlling fashion. That was when a friend asked me to teach them how to use a gun, and when we met at the range, I could see in his eyes that he wanted this knowledge so he could buy one and shoot himself. I loved that man very much and last thing I wanted was him gone, but I felt the right thing to do was to influence him with love, not by force. I confessed to him that I dealt with depression for many years, and I know all about this. I never tried to push or steer him, just reminded him that most problems have solutions and offered to help. He ended up changing his mind and he’s still around today. I don’t know what I would have felt had he gone ahead and taken his life (his depression stemmed from being of conservative background, and facing a failed marriage to a nasty and controlling wife), but I’m glad I never had to find out.

I hope no one reading this ever has to face this decision. Everyone who ever had REAL responsibility knows that it sometimes means having to stand-by and watch someone do something stupid of bad. Might be your child hooking up with a person you know will disappoint them, or making a job/career/financial choice that will end in pain or misery. If you ever feel the desire or need to control someone, try thinking back about your own past or history. Think about a time when someone else let or prevented you from doing something. I’m sure you’ll remember how bad it feels to be controlled like that (even if that led to a positive outcome). When facing the same situation from the other side, this is your chance to learn, evolve, grow. The best things in life will come your way when you relinquish control, not when you take it. Instead of letting…let go.

Opening early

A while back I had to go to the bank. Traffic was light, and I arrived at 8:50am. The branch was supposed to be open at 9, but to my surprise, the teller opened the door for me then, so I didn’t have to wait in the cold for 10 minutes. This seems like a small thing, but I was super impressed by this. Most places are the exact opposite, and will not open their doors a second before the official time, no matter what. A few weeks ago I asked a volunteer at some event I was attending why won’t they let people in a bit early rather then let them stand outside in the rain, and the person’s response was “because the event starts at XX” and “that’s how it’s done, those are the rules”. Another person I asked said it could cause a mess, as the volunteer team was still at-work preparing the space.

With all due respect, I whole-heartedly disagree with any of these notions. As you all know, I run weekly events, and at my events, anyone who shows up before time can always walk in and at least sit-down, rest and enjoy a drink and snacks. Usually, at least a few people show up ahead of time, and no, this never was a problem or caused a “mess”. To support this, I always make sure the space is ready to host at least 30-45 minutes before the official start time (which I’m always able to do even though I do everything myself, with no help of any kind). The way I see it; if I can do this, anyone can, and should. This is basic human decency and respect for one’s guests.

Similarly, I don’t end my events at any specific time. While I do “set” the events to end around 2am to give people some idea of the timeframe, I never kick anyone out and even if I myself am tired (which usually happens around 3-4am), I still tell any remaining guests that they can stay as late as they want, and even spend the night to avoid driving tired. For me, this is a fundamental act of service, as I don’t want to interrupt anyone’s fun for an arbitrary schedule.

If you have ever been my guest, you’re probably already aware of all of this, but the point of this post is not to show-off, but to remind and encourage others to try to think in those terms. Instead of defining rules and timeframes and sticking to them no-matter-what, try to think outside the box. Try to think ‘what is the purpose of this rule?’. Try to consider whether the rule actually does any good. Try to consider whether this rule exists only to handle a few rare bad apples, and if so, perhaps it would be better to just handle those bad apples rather than apply a rule that might be hurtful or detrimental to the all the others. The way I see it, rules are there to tell people who aren’t smart or ethical enough to do the right thing, to do the right thing. For me, instead of this, I just surround myself with smart, kind and ethical people who know and do the right thing without ‘rules’. Does it always work? After almost 4 years of running my events, I can clearly say YES, it does. Not 100%, but so close to it, that the handful of issues that did happen were fairly simple and easy to handle without having to put the good apples in a box.

By the way, I’ve ran across similar ways of thinking in my day-job, which is technical support (something I’ve done pretty-much my entire career). In every position I’ve ever had, my colleagues used to tell me to be rigid and uncompromising with my customers. “If you answer one customer over the weekend, they’ll flood you with requests” or “if you don’t limit how many questions they can ask, they’ll walk all over you”, they said to me. Well, I’m afraid all of these are fallacies. After nearly 30 years of doing this, I’m 200% confident that these kind of issues are exceedingly rare, virtually non-existent. I’ve always been flexible with my customers, and they always appreciated and respected that, and avoided stretching my boundaries unless it was really important. I cannot think of a single time in my entire career where I regretted being flexible and open. Part of that, of course, is that they also always knew I really cared and loved them, and always do my best. This is why I’m still friends with many people who have been my customers over the years. If you’re the kind of person who sticks by the rules at any cost, take it from me…it doesn’t have to be this way. Being flexible is the best path to happiness, both for you, and your guests/customers.

The evils of toxic monogamy

Some people wonder why I spend so much time and energy advocating for polyamory. While I don't post a lot about it in the vanilla world, I do spend a lot of time coaching, counseling and mentoring people who are exploring this lifestyle, and I also volunteer and donate to organizations related to this community. Why is that? Well, beyond the fact that I’m a person who advocates for stuff I think is good, whether it's a person, a product, a service or life choice, the main reason is because I keep being horrified by TOXIC MONOGAMY

I should start by saying that Monogamy is a valid choice. Most people in the world live it and many of them are happy. I myself lived that way for decades and was happy, or at least content for the most part. But by making it the default relationship style, as our society has, we have let monogamy become toxic in our society (to the point that some places make non-monogamy illegal and punishable).

Towards the end of my marriage, and post my divorce, I myself became a victim of this toxicity too. I was shamed, ridiculed and berated for even contemplating the idea of polyamory, and after my divorce, this didn’t stop. I am a man who has vowed to live freely and not let fear or external pressures dictate or control my life and so I’ve been open about my polyamory with friends, family and at work. This led to me being sued in family court by my ex-wife in her attempts to force me to keep polyamory itself, and my practice of it a secret from our son. I refused to be suppressed, and so I fought-back and won, fair-and-square, but this has driven me to take it further and come-out in support of others who might be in the same position. As part of that, I do everything I can to help those who explore non-monogamy.

The work I do with others exposes me to a lot of this toxicity, and while I can’t change the whole world, it is important to me to call it out when I see it. Toxic monogamy is extremely pervasive in our culture, and we see it everywhere. So much so, that many of us think of it as normal or even “good” (as in, if someone is acting this way, it’s a sign of “true” love or of good character). Our language is packed with notions, tropes, jokes and expressions that epitomize it, and these are also hammered into our collective consciousness and perpetuated by the media. For example if you said, or heard, people saying stuff like:

• “You complete me”

• “I can’t live without you”

• “You have to fight for your love/relationship”

• “Happy wife, happy life”

These sort of notions are also the skeleton of nearly every romantic movie and even the classic wedding vows have the line “to have and to hold”, signifying that the spouses “own” each other. Even the word “husband” itself is derived from “bóndi” in Old Norse, meaning “owner”. In my native language Hebrew, the word for husband is “Baal”, which also literally means “owner”.

Toxic monogamy means that many of us are raised and taught the notion that one woman+one man is the only type of relationship that’s valid. Many people come to think of anything else as weird, disgusting or even illegal (**). Many monogamous people can’t fathom that it’s even possible to have a romantic relationship with another person without it being “cheating” or somehow immoral or unethical, even if it’s all done with full knowledge and consent of all parties. People who live by those toxic notions often use various tactics to stop others from engaging in non-monogamy, even if it’s absolutely none of their business (it is similar thought patterns that cause people to oppose gay relationships and marriage, which are also none of their business). This is even worse for people who are in a monogamous relationship and decide to explore non-monogamy. In such situations, it’s very common for their partners to employ a slew of abusive practices to try to forcibly keep the lid on the jar. They use tactics like guilt-trips, slut-shaming, threats and ultimatums to try to force their partners to abandon these ideas and stay the monogamy course. Many have threatened their partners with suicide, destructions (“I’ll bankrupt you in the divorce”) or even using children as collateral (“you’ll never see the kids again”). If the partner persists in their pursuits of non-monogamy, their partner will often turn to various revenge tactics, from simple public-shaming (like my former GF’s husband, who called all their friends to get her ostracized and isolated) to elaborate lawsuits like the one I dealt with. And the worst part of is that many people consider these tactics and actions completely legitimate and even positive in some twisted way.

** Non-monogamy itself is not against the law, but most governments have made marrying multiple people a misdemeanor or felony, punishable by up to 3 years prison in some jurisdictions. In the United States military, a soldier can be prosecuted for any non-monogamy (“cheating”) and face up to a year in jail and a dishonorable discharge. I find it insane that a government not only meddles in people’s love life, but might actually incarcerate them for it. There are also many businesses that apply and enforce a morality clause, which allows them to fire an employee that engages in activity the business consider “immoral”. Those types of businesses, usually religious organizations, often act against people who engage in non-monogamy, as well as the LGBTQ lifestyle.

When consulting others, it’s important for me to not meddle or influence people, and so I generally provide information, but try to avoid expressing an opinion. If someone shares that their partner doesn’t want them to be non-monogamous, I suggest ways of broaching the subject, or ways to negotiate it, but I won’t tell them what to do or not. However, sometimes I encounter incidents where people face action or language that is so over-the-line, that I struggle to remain silent. Let me be clear about this: anyone has the right to feel jealous, frustrated or angry, but NO ONE has the right to act on these emotions and commit abuse. This includes any and all terrorist tactics (tactics aimed at causing someone to act or change-course due to fear, pain, sadness or stress). Admittedly, there’s sometimes a fine-line between convincing and threatening, but in toxic-monogamy situations, people say stuff that’s SO harsh, that there’s really no room for a misunderstanding. If your partner says stuff like “You’re destroying our marriage”, “you’re tearing this family apart”, “You never really loved me”, “How can you do this to me?” (Or to the kids), “What kind of person does that?”….those are all tropes designed to coerce, and that’s NOT OK, no matter what the intention or motivation is. It doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t love you, but your desire to change the framework doesn’t mean you don’t love them either. There’s an old expression “If you love someone, let them go”, and that’s the epitome of a healthy relationship. To really love someone is to respect their wishes, even if that leads to the end of the relationship (**). It is to act selflessly and be supportive of your partner, even if the outcome is against your own preferences.

** And it doesn’t HAVE to. While monogamy and polyamory are contradictory by nature, opening-up a relationship doesn’t mean it has to end. Many people who practice monogamy can’t tolerate the thought of their partner loving or having sex with someone else, and it’s programming that’s difficult to uproot. But those who are able to “take a breath” often discover that having their partner spend an evening or two a week with someone else not only doesn’t mean doom, but also often injects life into the relationship. This is one of the reasons that the polyamory movement has become so prevalent in recent years.

The bottom line here is that no matter what I say, toxic monogamy is highly embedded in our culture, and it’s not going anywhere. Polyamory has had immense growth, but most people still live the monogamy life and continue to harbor and develop those toxic notions of control and emotional terrorism. Hopefully, seeing this will help some folks realize what it is and be able to break-free, rather than succumb to it and stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy, or suffocates them. And maybe their abusers will see this and be reminded that love doesn’t justify abusing your partner, and find a way to have a monogamous relationship without resorting to torture. Maybe.