Show your stuff

Some people have seen me walking around wearing shirts carrying this logo:



Many assume it's the logo of some computer product, as I work in Tech, but now. This is known as the BDSM Triskelion. A triskelion is triple spiral shape that has rotational symmetry, and there are many variations to it, used all over the world. The specific version used in my banner has been associated with the BDSM community, and is a combination of the spiral and the Yin-Yang symbol. This exemplifies the 3 main parts of BDSM culture – BD, DS and SM (Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism) and how they mesh as part of our lifestyle.

The BDSM Triskelion and designs that are derived from it are featured prominently on many BDSM items, as well as into logos and flags of BDSM related businesses and organizations. However, most of the population isn’t aware of that connotation, which makes it a pretty good way to signal to others that you are part of the lifestyle. That could be in the form of the symbol printed on a shirt or other clothing item, or etched on a piece of jewelry, for example.

Personally, I like to wear the symbol on a ring, which I had custom-made for me by Tim, a merchant on Etsy. I had Tim etch the Triskelion in white on a black ring, and it’s nice because while at work, I can rotate the ring to have the symbol inwards, and rotate it out when going out in public. Another item I had custom made is a T-shirt with the symbol printed, which I got for about $12 (inc. shipping) from an eBay seller by searching for “custom t-shirt”. I provided the Triskelion image in PNG form and got the shirt pretty quick.

Another identification system common both in BDSM as well as in the LGBTQ community and sex-positive community is the Handkerchief code. The hanky code consists of placing a colored handkerchief, or multiple handkerchiefs in one’s back-pockets (although they can also be worn in other places, such as one’s wrists). For example, wearing a black hanky indicates the wearer is into BDSM, while a grey one indicates the wearer is interested in bondage. Other than the color, the placement of the hanky is also key for one’s disposition, where the left side of the body indicates you are a “top”, and the right side is the opposite.

Hanky code has been around for many years, and over time, evolved from a handful of simple colors to a huge list of options and variations. For example, a yellow hanky with white stripes indicates the wearer is attracted to an oriental/Asian partner. The extended list even includes extra items, such as using a Teddy bear to indicate one is into cuddling. Naturally, many don’t know the whole list by-heart, and some colors or combos aren’t universally agreed-upon in the community, so this system isn’t without faults. However, it has served us well for many years. One of the more extensive list can be found here.

See you on the streets!

Leather for floggers and other BDSM gear

Back in February, I talked about making your own floggers. If you want to make floggers and other BDSM gear from leather, you might be wondering how to cut some of the costs, as genuine leather can cost a pretty penny. Even a basic piece of cowhide can easily cost over $100, and even if you are good enough to make two floggers out of it…it’s still a pretty penny. However, there are many ways to cut costs.

1^st, consider using an alternative material. For example, upholstery-class vinyl or pleather can simulate the feeling of real leather very well, and cost only a fraction. In fact, if you don’t care much about color, you can probably find a piece in the scrap pile of your local Jo-Ann store for less than $5 (vs $10-15 for a new piece).

Another alternative is to buy your leather online, or from the scrap-bin of your local leather shop. The former may be difficult, as it’s hard to know from an online photo how the leather feels, but one thing to keep in mind is the leather weight. This is a number range that signifies how much 1 square foot of the leather weighs. Regular floggers are made from leather that weighs 1-2 ounces per square foot (designated as 1-2oz leather), and heavy floggers are from 2-3oz leather. Upholstery vinyl, BTW, also weighs 2-3 Oz per square foot. If you want to cut costs even further, look for pieces of leather that aren’t full. For example, a piece that’s about 10” wide is not very useful to most people, so if you find one for sale, it’s probably going to be very cheap. Since you’re cutting ½” wide tassels, the width of the piece is hardly a problem for you anyway.

Finally, if you want to cut costs even further, your next bet is buying used leather garments at your local thrift store. You can find plenty of leather coats at Goodwill or Value Village for $10-15, and you can cut enough leather strips from such a coat for at least 2 floggers. DO make sure you’re buying a long coat, because you’d want your tassels to be around 16-20” long. The problem with coats is that they use 1-2oz leather, which won’t yield a very heavy flogger. If you want thicker leather, you can try to look for leather suitcases, or even old couches. If you have a branch of Goodwill Outlet nearby, you can probably score a super cheap leather couch, and it should yield a huge amount of leather, for only a few dollars (all that assumes you have a way to actually pickup that couch and get it home).

See you on the rack!

Bag of all tricks

If being a BDSM top is your thing, you might have already obtained your first flogger, cane, whip or similar instrument. However, as your new hobby develops and grows, you might quickly find yourself having a sizeable collection of tools, and this begs the question…where are you going to put them?

Obviously, there’s no shortage of bags, suitcases and other storage solutions on the market. But finding one that’s really optimal for this sort of thing isn’t that easy. Ultimately, any bag will do the job, but if you just use some random gym bag or kit bag, it might make it difficult to pull out the tools when going into a scene, or make it difficult to re-organize it afterwards. The good news is that there are several solutions on the market that could be ideal for this sort of thing, and the better news is that these don’t have to cost a fortune!

My ideal storage solution for my tools is an aluminum case, because they are fairly light, affordable, and protect the content very well. There are plenty of such cases available, both online and in stores, and they come in many sizes and styles. One case I really liked was at Harbor Freight tools, and I liked it as it’s quite large and not very expensive (30$ if you use one of their 25% off coupons), and also offers a built-in combination lock, which would be helpful if you have kids running around where the bag is. Another solution I really liked is this set from Amazon. This is actually a BBQ set of tools, that come in an aluminum case and costs $30. The idea is to dump the original grilling tools (or just put them somewhere else) and use the loops that are installed in the case to store your BDSM tools. The case is 17.7” by 9.4” by 3”, which accommodates a sizeable selection of tools, and is very easy to carry. It is also fairly impressive-looking.

If you are a fan of floggers, dragon-tails, whips and other tools that are much longer than 18”, you might consider getting a Microphone-stand case. For example, this one is 32” long, which is suitable for holding most long tools without folding. It’s 5”x5” in width and height, so you will be able to fit 3-5 items in there easily. Need more space? This item offers several sizes up to 58x10x5, all for less than $30. One thing to note about this type of bag is that they are usually soft, so if you are storing mostly soft items like floggers, you should cut a piece of plywood and put it in the case to give it a ‘spine’ and make it easier to carry.

If you’d rather not spend so much, then Goodwill and other thrift stores come to mine. Most of the items you would find there aren’t in very good condition, and it’s unlikely that you’ll find exactly what you want there. However, what’s very easy to find at thrift stores are golf bags, and those are often very suitable for BDSM equipment (the challenge might be cleaning out the bag properly). You can also find plenty of aluminum cases, and even if you find one that doesn’t have any built-in loops for storing tools (or if they don’t fit well), you could easily add them by purchasing Velcro cable ties such as these, and just glue them to the case’s surface. Put some contact-glue in the middle of the Velcro tie, and once that’s hardened, you can use it to fasten anything to-place.

If all the above aren’t just quite right, and you have a good budget, I would also suggest visiting sports equipment stores, and music stores. Both sell many types of equipment that requires storage (such as Baseball bats and large musical instruments) and will thus offer a selection of storage bags and cases. The prices might be exorbitant, but you’ll probably not find anything quite as high-quality and stylish otherwise!

See you at the store!

DIY Dildo

While sex toys are not expensive, many people dream of being able to customize a Dildo to their own shape and size. This isn’t just a dream, though…I'm here to tell you that you can create a dildo from scratch right at home, and it's not very difficult!

No, you don’t have to build a silicone-casting plant for this, and a suitable material is simple…dough! Using a flour and salt mixture, you can create dough that will allow you to shape your own dildo, bake it to solidify it, and finally, coat it with varnish to make it durable.

Materials you will need:

·         5 oz High-protein flour

·         5 oz salt

·         4 oz warm water

·         Varnish

·         Wood skewers

·         Scotch tape

·         Optional: food coloring

Material Notes:

Start by mixing the food coloring with the water. Coloring is not required, but a colorful dildo looks much nicer than a white one.

High-protein flour is flour with 4-5 grams of protein per serving compared to only 2-3 in regular flour. The reason for using this, specifically, is because it makes for sturdier dough. If you use regular flour, the dough will be quite soft, and will collapse under its own weight.

The varnish will be used to create a glaze on the Dildo, so that it will be both smooth and waterproof (assuming you intend to wash it). For this reason, it's important to get varnish that’s “baby safe” so as to make sure you’re not putting poisonous chemicals into your body. Most products on the market are so, but if unsure, look for a label on the package, or ask the store attendant to help you pick one. 

Preparation:

Mix the salt and flour evenly, and add the warm water. Mix by hand or mixer, and try to achieve good consistency with no lumps.

Wrap the dough in Serene wrap, and place in the fridge for about an hour.

Warm your oven to 210 degrees (use convection bake mode, if your oven has it)

Take the dough out of the fridge, and use it to shape your dildo. You will find that the dough is not very solid, and tends to sag under its own weight. For this reason, you need to place the dildo on its base and not on its side during the baking process. When standing up, the dildo will also tend to sag to the side, so you need to insert a skewer through the dough, and attach it to a support frame from wood skewers and tape.

Put the dildo in the oven for 3.5 hours. Then, remove it from the oven and prick the base with a toothpick to confirm that it is solid and stable. If the toothpick goes in, or the dildo doesn’t feel solid, put it in for another hour and try again. Depending on your oven, you might need to try again a few times until all is good.

Once you are sure the Dildo is solid, let it cool, and then clip off the skewer(don’t try to pull it out). Now use sandpaper to sand both the tip and the entire body of the dildo it to perfect smoothness (unless, of course, you WANT it to hurt when you put it in…).

The final stage is coating the dildo with a few layers of varnish to seal it to (so it doesn’t fall apart when you use it or wash it). You can use spray varnish, but I recommend using liquid varnish, as it tends to form thicker layers, thus guaranteeing a better seal. 

Once the varnish has solidified, you can go ahead and party!

Another note on the varnish - keep in mind that it may or may not last forever, depending on your use. Certain use can cause the varnish to crack, leading to all sorts of nasty things growing in the cracks. I highly recommend inspecting the surface occasionally and looking for issues like cracks, discoloration, or changes in shape. If unsure, might be better to make a new one, or use yours with a condom. This is of particular importance if you are sharing your piece with others. 

Need for Needles

For most people, needles, syringes and shots are some of the scariest things on the planet, and many would do almost anything to avoid them (including neglecting their health or teeth to the point of serious risk to their life). For many BDSM practitioners, however, needles are delightful instruments of amusement. Are they insane?

Needles are a device designed to break the skin and pull or push liquids beneath it…and that usually hurts. For most people, avoiding pain is permanently on the “to do” list, but if you are a BDSM masochist, experiencing pain is pretty much routine. Receiving that pain from needles, then, is quite a logical leap, isn’t it? Indeed...though I have to admit that even within the BDSM community, most folks don’t like needles, and hardcore fans are fairly rare. But what is it that draws people to needles?

Well, for most people, dealing with needles is unavoidable at some point. We need to get our vaccination shots, we need to have our blood drawn for testing, and when undergoing painful medical procedures, we sure as hell want to get proper anesthesia (usually via a shot or IV). Those experiences typically start with childhood, where the needles seem larger, and where we have little control over when and where do we get poked and prodded. As a result, most of us reach adulthood with a crippling fear of needles, even though compared to other forms of pain administered as part of BDSM scenes, needles don’t really hurt a lot.

When it comes to BDSM play, the major fear of needles is often time the motivation for playing with them, as the fear triggers the endorphin release that is what BDSM is mostly about. For others, there is the pain itself, but also the coolness factor of being able to show off to others how you handled what’s perceived to be so scary, and how awesome it looks (needles are often-times placed in the skin in nicely organized rows or circles). Another thing that’s unique to needles is that once they have been placed, there’s a special sensation to caressing them with a finger. That motion moves the skin and ‘rattles’ the nerves in a way that’s not quite painful, but very interesting and unique.

Is that for everyone? Certainly not. Playing with needles requires a lot of knowledge and experience about anatomy, so as to avoid puncturing an artery by mistake (this could lead to excessive bleeding that may be hard to control). It also requires care when inserting and removing the needles so as to avoid infection. Thirdly, the needle top needs to be careful not to accidentally stab him or herself, as that would be not only unpleasant, but also risks getting infected by bacteria or virus carried by the bottom. If you have an interest in being a needle bottom, I’d advise discussing this with tops that frequent your local dungeon, and negotiating carefully with them. Make sure whoever it is has enough understanding of this unique expertise, and experience applying it. The top would also need to be an expert with after-care, as Needle play can trigger the most extreme endorphin release, which can be accompanied by just-as-extreme crash afterwards. Find the right top, and needles could be a great gateway to heaven for you too!

See you on the operating table!

Planned scenes vs pickup-play

Many people who are new to the world of BDSM get the impression that BDSM clubs are like dance-clubs, where you can just walk-in and "hit" on a person at random to get some kink on. While I can't say this never happens, the reality is that BDSM play is usually something most people prefer to plan carefully in advance. Ad-hoc scenes, also known as "pickup play", happen, but not very often.

The thing is, a BDSM scene typically requires some planning, so most of them are planned days or even weeks in advance, and are done between tops and bottoms that already have established some level of relationship already. There are folks who are OK (or even prefer) with pickup play, but those may not be easy to find, and frankly, I don't really recommend it.

One challenge with pick-up play is the fact that it can be dangerous. In another post I discussed some of the health-related challenged with BDSM play, and the problem with pick-up play is that it may not leave enough time for the players to properly get acquainted and negotiate the content of the scene thoroughly enough.

My advice for newbies is to adjust your own level of expectation. You might be lucky enough to run into another willing pick-up player, but you shouldn't expect to. Instead, focus on building relationships and a solid network of friends. Introduce yourself to people, spend time talking to them and understanding who and what they are, connect on FetLife, and most important - be patient. Once you have built yourself a reputation and have people who are glad to see you at your local dungeon, that's where you can start negotiating scenes. Even then, be prepared that many tops are in high-demand, and may take a while to find an available date and time to do a scene. Consider the fact that even though the actual scene may take only 30-60 minutes, there's a lot of preparation for the top, as well as a cleanup routine that also takes a while. As a result, most tops won't commit to more than two scenes in a single night, and many won't commit to more than one. Keep in mind, though, that good things are worth waiting for, and busy tops are usually the better ones, meaning you will have a better experience.

See you at the dungeon!

Healthy BDSM

I like to say "Violence is not the answer...unless I am the one asking the question". Indeed, whatever your thoughts are about BDSM, there's no denying that it is, in fact, violent, and involves causing some level of physical harm to another human being. However, most BDSM bottoms do prefer to survive the experience, and their tops also prefer to have living subjects rather than dead ones. Here are a few thoughts and ideas about keeping it safe.

The foundation for any BDSM play is consent, of course, but consent can be a bit more complicated than just saying yes or no. One challenge with consent is the fact that during a BDSM scene, the bottom may be flooded with hormones (endorphins, adrenaline etc), which could affect their judgement. It's not uncommon for a bottom to feel a need for more, or to go further in the scene than originally planned, but in that situation, the bottom may be 'legally' impaired (as in, their ability to make rational decisions may be equal or lesser than that of a person who is drunk). For this reason, it is very important for the top and bottom to agree beforehand what the scene will involve, how far it will go, and stick to that plan no matter what. As tempting as it may be for both to go further/deeper/harder, it could lead to regrets, and even a breakdown of the relationship. For example, during the height of the scene, the bottom may ask to be flogged in an area of the body which would leave visible bruising that could cause problems in their non-BDSM relationships or at work.

If you are a new top or bottom, another thing that is important to keep in mind is that people react differently to physical force. First, there's the behavioral response. When hit, some people cry in pain, others just grunt, some giggle, and some just take it silently. With the latter two, it can be hard to gauge whether this calls for the top to proceed, or hold back. Some people instinctively cry "stop" or "more", when either can actually indicate the opposite….which is why the safe-word is such an important concept, as well as the pre-scene discussion and negotiation.

From a physical standpoint, the body's reaction can include reddening of the skin, bruising, and if one is hit hard enough, the skin could break and bleed. It's not unusual for a BDSM scene to include some bleeding, but that needs to be agreed upon in advance, and prepared-for. Preparation includes both sterilizing the top's tools to prevent infection, as well as covering the furniture with plastic or sheets to prevent them getting contaminated with blood. Also, if the scene is done at a non-private dungeon, some more extreme-play may be forbidden or require pre-approval of some sort.

Another physical aspect of this is understanding some basic anatomy. While it's fairly obvious that hitting someone's face, neck or head is dangerous, there are many areas on the body that require special attention. Two notable areas are the kidneys and the spine, both of which are very sensitive and should be avoided. Flogging and hitting is typically done on the thighs, upper-arms, scapulas, chest and buttocks. Areas that are sometimes hit, but need careful consideration are the genitals, breasts, nipples and abdomen. In addition, a pre-scene discussion should include the top questioning the bottom regarding certain medical conditions that could affect the scene. This could include Diabetes, Sciatica (and other back issues), heart condition, bleeding problems etc. In general, I would recommend any top ask their prospective bottoms about any and all medical conditions, and consider whether they could lead to a risk during the scene. For example, if the bottom has had an ulcer, then hitting their abdomen and chest should be avoided.

Ultimately, not everyone is a doctor (though incidentally, many in BDSM are medical practitioners) and one can't always predict or prevent problems. One way to improve your odds as a bottom is to have scenes only with experienced tops. As a top, studying anatomy could help, but you can also try to mentor under an experienced top, or with a very experienced bottom to learn your chops. Another way is to take things slow, and develop a good relationship with your top or bottom. Having such a foundation allows the top to 'sense' where their bottom is, and respond in the best possible way (whether that is to go further, or back). This also circles us back as to why pick-up play is less popular...it simply isn't as safe and pleasurable as planned scenes.

Play safe, and see you on the rack!

Is everyone a pervert?

If you look at sites like FetLife and other kink-related resources, you will realize that the list of kinks and fetishes is quite extensive. Some people like to celebrate their kinkiness by “collecting” and showing-off their affection for unusual activity, while others do their best to steer clear of anything out of the ordinary. However, technically almost everyone has some kink or fetish, and it’s not unusual for someone to not realize they have it. Let’s get technical.

Technically speaking, a kink is any unconventional sexual practice, concept or fantasy. Conventions change from place to place and from culture to culture, but most people’s definition of conventional is “a man inserts his penis into a woman’s vagina in the missionary position until he reaches orgasm and ejaculates”. Obviously, I’m not writing this to suggest that there’s anything not OK with any other form of sex…I’m just trying to set a baseline. This baseline also means that anything else would fall under the definition of either a Fetish, or a kink.

The repercussions can sound a bit weird. For example, there’s hardly any man in modern times that isn’t aroused by looking at breasts. However, breasts are not technically sexual organs, and while modern western society has been celebrating breasts for decades, there are cultures where breasts are not considered to be more attractive than a woman’s elbows or belly-button. All this means that technically speaking, breasts are a sexual fetish, just like being aroused by a woman’s feet.

Another common thing…oral sex. Since oral sex cannot possibly lead to procreation, it is technically considered to be a sexual deviation, and it has been traditionally banned in many religions and societies. In fact, even today, there are quite a few states in the US where oral sex is still explicitly illegal! Same goes for Anal sex. In Alabama, Georgia and several other states, even selling “obscene” items such as Dildos is illegal.

To be clear, I don’t think liking blow jobs or Anal makes someone a pervert, but I do believe that the vast majority of people are kinky to some degree. This is based on results from a lot of statistical data and research available online, as well talking to many people about the topic. A lot of people may not be aware of their kinks, or may not be aware that something they like is a kink (for example, if you are aroused by role-play in which you or your partner wears a specific outfit, such as a maid or a policewoman…that’s a kink). Some people only discover their kinks at a more advanced age, once they get used-to or are less aroused by old-fashioned missionary-position intercourse. I also believe becoming aware of what you like and pursuing it is not only fun and fulfilling, but also healthy, as repression can lead to aggressiveness and depression. Are you interested in finding out your kinks? Here is a list encompassing many of the most common fetishes and kinks around, starting from the tamest to the more extreme:

1. Having sex with two or more people (group sex)
2. Sexual arousal from a specific non-sexual body part such as feet, ears, hair or neck
3. Role playing as a police officer, sex-worker, pizza delivery person
4. Watching others having sex, or being watched
5. Engaging in sexual activity in a place where there’s a major risk of being watched, caught, stopped or humiliated.
6. Watching, wearing or getting watched wearing cloths made out of Latex, leather, vinyl, lycra and other shiny material
7. Watching, wearing or getting watched wearing clothes that are a Uniform for some position of authority or power such as doctor, teacher
8. Watching or performing sexual activity with body parts such as breasts, mouth, anus, feet etc.
9. Ejaculating on various body parts such as the face
10. Wearing opposite-sex cloths, accessories and/or makeup (not part of gender transitioning)
11. Being aroused by specific types of clothing or accessories such as gloves, shoes, boots, heels or glasses used by oneself or partner
12. Watching or performing sexual activity with older partners (MILFs)
13. Watching, listening or performing sexual activity that is very loud, or results in very loud climax, or the opposite (very quiet and repressed climax)
14. Watching or performing anal or vaginal penetration of unusual or very large objects, such as vegetables or bottles
15. Watching, performing, causing or forcing a woman to release fluid during sex (“Female ejaculation”)
16. Watching or performing sexual activity with machines or devices that are very fast and powerful (fucking machines, Sybian) and/or irresistible.
17. Tickling or getting tickled and other physical sensations that aren’t sexual or painful
18. Inflicting/receiving pain via canes, sticks, whips, crops, floggers and other tools
19. Choking or getting choked in order to intensify orgasms
20. Inflicting/receiving spanking as part of intercourse or not
21. Inflicting/receiving pain specifically to the genitals (CBT)
22. Inflicting/receiving pain by biting (esp. nipples, clitoris, neck)
23. Tying up or getting tied up in a way that restricts movement or other physical constraints such as blindfolds, mouth-gags
24. Placing someone or being placed in a device that restricts movement, such as a cage, chamber or chair with straps
25. Sex with exceptionally obese people (Chubby Chasers)
26. Urinating on someone, or getting urinated on (Golden showers)
27. Humiliating or getting humiliated privately or publicly by someone else
28. Arousing someone or getting aroused close to orgasm, but prevented from climaxing (orgasm denial), having the person beg for release, forcing the person to climax against their will.
29. Climaxing or making another climax in a way that avoids continued stimulation during the orgasm (“ruined orgasm”)
30. Ejaculating or being forced to ejaculate large amounts of semen (milking)
31. Watching, giving or receiving manual stimulation to a man’s prostate
32. Getting Tattoos or tattooing another person
33. Piercing the skin of someone, or getting pierced by someone, for placement of rings or other jewelry
34. Inserting needles or having needles inserted into a person’s skin or body
35. Performing or undergoing invasive and/or painful medical procedures such as urinary catheter insertion, rectal exam or Enema
36. Performing or undergoing activity that permanently modified the skin or body (including scarring)
37. Watching others having sex with your partner (cuckold)
38. Watching your partner suffering and/or being humiliated (choking, gagging, screaming in pain)
39. Acting out a scenario of caring for another person pretending to be a child or baby, or being cared for (age play)
40. Acting out a scene of something that frightens you or your partner immensely (for example, with guns, knives or fire)
41. Choking or getting choked as part of a role play
42. Pretending to be an animal, such as dog, fox, cat or horse, or pretending to “train” someone who is acting out that role
43. Watching body parts that are extremely exaggerated in size (breasts, buttocks, penis, testes) or being enlarged to extreme size
44. Watching or performing extreme sexual penetration of organs such as the urethra or the nipples
45. Watching or performing activity that results in bleeding (blood play)
46. Watching a sexual partner smoke or use tobacco products and narcotics, or being forced to use them
47. Watching a sexual partner play with balloons (inflate them, sit on them, pop them)

So, to answer the question I posted in the headline…I personally DO believe that almost everyone is Kinky. My guess is that at least 95% of people have some kink or another, though most may not be aware of it, or may not be aware that the thing that arouses them is a kink. If you are one, I hope to see you on FetLife, or at a future CSPC event. If unsure, check out the following list…maybe your kink is one I haven’t covered. 

Breaking bread

While the majority of BDSM play is done in dungeons (public or private), there’s another part of the community that’s no less important…munches. Munches are semi-official social gatherings for members of the kink community, which allow them to meet, chat and build relationships in an environment that’s dedicated to this sort of thing.

The primary advantage of munches is that they are very available. Munches are usually available in many cities…even ones that are too small to have a public dungeon. For example, if you live in Redmond, WA (like me), you can meet your fellow kinksters at one of 2 munches that happen every month, without having to travel to Seattle. Also, munches are usually at a restaurant, or someone’s home, so there are lesser costs associated with participation. Some munches are even targeted specifically at Parents, and so they can bring their kids and not worry about getting a babysitter.

Munches are usually organized by individuals from the community, and are usually advertised as ‘events’ on FetLife. It’s also not unusual to find a munch listing on a more public channel like FaceBook. A typical munch attracts 10-30 people, and some of them lead to some kind of ‘after-party’ at a nearby dungeon.

Are munches good? You bet’cha! Munches are a great way to meet new people, and make friends (maybe even ending up with new play-partners or even romantic partners). However, there’s one aspect of munches that need to be kept in mind. While munch attendees typically wear regular clothing, making the event look just like a friendly-meeting, the munches are regular, and are therefore sometimes “known” to people who live in the area. This means that you might run into someone you know, and if they are informed, they might realize you are a member of the kink community. Ultimately, it’s not a major risk, and most people think the benefits outweigh this risk.

Interested? Visit your FetLife, and search for “munch”. I’m sure you’ll find one to your liking.

See you at dinner!

Are Sadists evil?

We already discussed the topic of whether people who take lashings or beatings as part of BDSM are crazy…but what about those people who inflict those beatings onto them? Are those people evil? Why do they seem to enjoy hurting others?

Well, the answer to that lies in the fact that most BDSM “Sadists” aren’t actually sadistic. Sure enough, they inflict pain in what may look to the outside as cruelty, but in reality, the vast majority of them are not simply deriving pleasure due to someone else’s suffering.

In a BDSM role-play, the relationship between top and bottom are known as “power exchange”, because the power, or control, is exchanged between the top and bottom. The top may have partial or full control over the bottom, but he or she doesn’t take power…it is given to them willingly by the bottom, and this is done with full trust that the top will use that power well. In that kind of situation, the bottom receives pain willingly, and derives a great deal of enjoyment from it, and the top doesn’t enjoy the bottom’s suffering, but enjoys the bottom’s enjoyment, just like in a massage, the person receiving the massage enjoys it, and the masseuse might relish that joy. A good BDSM top excels not in his or her use of more power, but smart use of that power. Inflicting blows or lashes isn’t done in order to cause endless pain or damage, but to lead the bottom on the path for maximum enjoyment, without surpassing the bottom’s pain threshold. In that sense, BDSM tops actually share a very close and loving relationship with their bottoms, and if you closely observe a BDSM scene, you will notice that a top doesn’t blindly slap the bottom around like you would be chopping a tree, but rather observe him or her intently to make sure that the appropriate amount and quality of pain is delivered and absorbed properly.

In other words, a BDSM Sadist is no more evil than a teacher giving homework to his or her students. They are simply doing their best to take good care of their partners and do right by them. This is also why it’s so important to have a safe word as part of BDSM play, so that the bottom has a clear way to signal to the top if there is genuine distress. While admittedly, not all BDSM role-playing sessions are perfectly balanced and efficient, the vast majority of them involve a good connection between the top and the bottom, that it’s not common for the safe word to be used. Instead, the top is able to sense exactly when is it that he or she should continue, and when he or she should stop, as the bottom has reached full satisfaction from the scene.

See you on the rack!

No tomorrow

With an average viewership of only 750,000 per episode, No Tomorrow is yet another comedy that didn’t survive the commercial TV race of 2016. While as of now, the series hasn’t officially been cancelled, it didn’t receive a renewal decision either, so this, plus the almost-constantly declining ratings pretty much guarantee it’s not coming back.

Why am I dealing with a TV show on a sex-positive blog? Well, one thing that I found particularly alluring about this show is the character of Kareeme, played by actress Sarayu Blue. Blue plays a grumpy and cynical customer service rep on the show, but the fun part is how the character seems to be a proud sex-positive BDSM practitioner, who blurts out multiple reference to our culture in every episode.

For example, in Episode 6 of the show, Kareema’s brother says he doesn’t like strangers touching him, to which she responds with “where is it is the foundation of my social life”. Later, she says to another character “I’ve been into plenty of people, sometimes 2 or 3 at a time”, suggesting she’s polyamorous.

A few episodes later, in the Dec 6 episode (#9), she says to another character “wake me up when you do something that requires a safe word”. In addition to this, both herself, and Marta Milans, who plays her lover Sofia, wear sub collars in most of their scenes.

Considering the fact that the show happens (but not filmed) in Seattle, and Kareema’s specific reference to the “foundation” (possibly referring to the Foundation for Sex-Positive Culture), I have some suspicion that one of the show’s writers may have been involved with our sex positive community. If so, that would be fun to learn!

Making friends in the BDSM and Sex-positive community

The Sex-positive and BDSM communities have some of the friendliest, most open-minded people in the world, and making friends and contacts in such an atmosphere is super easy even for those of us who are more shy and timid. However, if you are not familiar with the rules and etiquette of these communities, it could still be a little intimating. On the other hand, If you plan on walking into a BDSM or sex club thinking that you’ll be instantly stormed by hordes of horny men or women…that’s not the reality either.

While BDSM practitioners and sex-positive people are super open minded, and very sexually active, one must keep in mind that they are not just a bunch of out-of-control horny sluts. While most of us don’t follow arbitrary sexual conduct rules like the “3 date rule”, that doesn’t mean they’ll jump in the sack with anyone who wants them. Generally speaking, the same social “rules” that govern how we behave anywhere also apply within the BDSM and SP community. This means that people want to get to know others before they engage in sex or BDSM play, and they won’t go for it with people they don’t feel safe and good with.

If you are very new to the community and don’t know anyone just yet, you might find yourself at an event or party, standing somewhere with your drink, and not sure what to do or where to start. You might see people around you engaged in all sorts of conversation or play, and have no idea how to join. Well, I don’t have any magic tricks to make shyness disappear, but one thing I’ve found is helpful to many is to arrive at an event early…and by early, I mean as soon as the doors open. At that point, there would be only a handful of people at the place, and most likely they wouldn’t have much to do either. That’s a golden opportunity to strike up a conversation and start making friends. Go over, offer a handshake and introduce yourself by your name or nickname (BTW, if your name is something completely unpronounceable like Mahershalalhashbaz, Szymankowszczyzna or Streichholzschächtelchen…this would be an excellent time to pick something easier like Ben or Kim). Then, start a conversation on some “small talk” topic. This could be anything, though you could consider aiming for one of the following common topics in the community:

•           How long have you been in the community/coming here?
•           What are your favorite kinks?
•           What kind of stuff have you done?
•           What’s your favorite party? (as most clubs have different themed parties)

Also, if it feels appropriate, offer a compliment about the other person’s clothing or general appearance. If you’ve seen that person in a scene (today or in the past), complimenting the scene would go a long way as well.

Another thing that can jumpstart a relationship is offering a massage or a back rub. We are not talking about erotic massage here – just a harmless, non-threatening rub; and most people in the sex-positive community will gladly accept it. Make sure you use a soothing and friendly tone (as opposed to a creepy, stalky one) and express some concern (for example: “Hey…it looks like you could really use a back rub right now…” would be better than “I’d like to rub your back”).

If the other person accepts, this would be a good opportunity to engage in conversation, and the person will stick around for at least a few minutes while you give the massage. If you do a good job, not only will you have gained an acquaintance, but that person might also tell others about it, creating a reputation for you.

Once you’ve gotten acquainted with a few folk, the next step would be to try to join conversations that include people you already know. Be watchful and make sure you don’t butt-in on private conversations (the distance between the talkers would be a good indicator of that) and if you stand next to the talkers, chances are the person you know will introduce you to the other one.

Keep in mind that FetLife is the SP and BDSM communities’ social network, so be prepared to give people your FetLife alias (*), and you can even get yourself a business card with the name printed, to make it easier for people to remember, as I discussed in an earlier post.

* If your FetLife alias is one that’s hard to ‘get’ during normal conversation, that’s probably a good idea to try to find a new one that’s easier for others to hear and remember. For example “BleedingNipples” is going to be much more memorable than “Swagr1989”

With any luck, you’ll have 4-5 new friends pretty fast, and within a few weeks, you’ll have personally met and spoke to the majority of the regular members of the establishment. If you continue with massaging people regularly, pretty soon people will be chasing YOU to say hi!

See you on the massage table!

Making a flogger

Floggers are probably the most used tools in BDSM, as well as a well-recognized symbol of our lifestyle. Being relatively easy to make, floggers are also some of the most diverse tools out there. While anyone can go online and grab one off eBay or Amazon for as low as $1.2 (that's a pretty low end one, obviously), having a heavy and high quality one is not only important, but also a primary source of pride for any BDSM top. These kinds of floggers can cost $100 or even more, but you can make one yourself for a fraction of the cost…and have something to show-off too.

Floggers are pretty simple, if you think about it. They are made from some stick, typically 8-9" long, and some fabric cut into strips 3/8-1/2" wide (tassels) and about 20" long. The only tricky part to a good flogger is making sure the tassels are properly attached to the handle, so that the thing doesn't break apart.

To make a flogger, start by locating the material. You can make a flogger from virtually any soft material, from strands of rope, through a cut-up pair of pants, and up to strips of thick and heavy leather. Different materials lead to different sensations, and affect the thuddy or stingy properties of the flogger, so it's important to choose well. Many people think a flogger HAS to be made of leather, but there's no law or rule that dictates that. No doubt that leather floggers look "professional", and using one made from a pair of jeans may feel amateurish and embarrassing, but in reality, leather floggers have a big disadvantage. Leather, even though it's nice and expensive, can be quite challenging to clean up, since leather can't be laundried, and it responds badly to water. The problem is that water washes away the oils that keep leather soft and flexible, so the cleaning process may make the leather much less resilient. In addition, the water may ruin the leather's smooth texture, and deform the tassels.

I'll discuss the topic of finding and buying leather in a later article, but for now, just keep in mind that there's nothing wrong with using fabric, pleather, rope or any other soft material to make your flogger, and it might lead to a flogger that's easier to use and maintain.

For a handle, the ideal material is wood, because it's the easiest to attach the tassels to. A 1 ½" or 1 ¼" thick wood stick would work great, and a $4 stick from Home Depot can be used to make 4-5 floggers. Some makers enjoy decorating the handle in various ways, from simple stain or paint, all the way through elaborate grooves, ornaments and leather coating. All this is up to you, of course, and there's a lot of fun to be had coming up with interesting designs. You can also purchase a piece of wood that's already decorated, such as a table or chair leg that comes with an interesting pattern (they typically sell for $5-10 at Home Depot and similar stores). Another alternative is an acrylic handle, which looks very nice, and can also be used as an insertable toy. Acrylic rods can be purchased at plastics supply shop, like the Tap Plastics chain, which has stores across the US. A 1 ¼" thick 9" acrylic rod would cost about $9. You can also try to think-up other creative handle solutions, such as a flogger I made using a Star-Wars Light Saber handle (the instructions for using it are "Use the force!").

To make the flogger, cut your chosen material to a square about 20" x 20", and then cut it to stripes that are between 3/8" to ½" wide. Don't cut it all the way through, though - leave the top 2" attached. It would be ideal to use a long ruler and a snap-knife to achieve nice and uniform tassels, but it can be also done with simple scissors and the flogger would be just as effective if the cut is not perfectly straight. If your material is already in smaller pieces (if you used leather scraps, or recycled an old leather coat), you might need to work a little extra when attaching the pieces to the handle.

Next, use some strong glue to attach the edge of the cloth to the handle. A contact glue such as E6000 is ideal, and you can also use Scotch High Performance Repair Glue (ADH669). I recommend gluing just the 1st inch and letting it dry. Once that has set, roll the cloth around the handle tightly, adding a bit of glue with every wind. Make sure not to put too much glue, as the tightening may cause it to ooze out and drip over the tassels. When you reach the end of your cloth, tie it around with a cable-tie or rope to prevent it from uncoiling, and let it set.

Once the glue has fully bonded, drill holes through the fabric into the handle, and secure it with screws. Depending on the thickness of the handle and the tassel material, you might consider using washers under the screw heads to avoid the flogger from breaking apart (remember…the material will be absorbing a lot of energy when you fling it!). In my floggers, I typically use two screws close to the end of the wrap, and one or two screws on the opposite side. With some of the lager floggers I made, I used 6 screws with 120 degrees in-between. Whatever you do, don't neglect drilling holes into the handle before putting in the screws, as you risk the wood splitting otherwise, which will force you to start almost from scratch. Also, place the screws around the handle with a bit of an offset, to avoid the screws hitting each other at the center of the handle and reducing the integrity of the wood.

Good luck with your floggers, and see you at the dungeon!

How did Fifty Shades get it wrong?

With over 60 million copies sold, the book series Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James has been one of the most successful books in history, and generated a huge amount of interest in BDSM. While we in the BDSM community owe a lot to the book for raising awareness to our lifestyle and getting many people into it, many of us feel a great deal of resentment towards the book as well. With the 2^nd movie having been released this weekend (and making around $150 million dollars), this is a good time to see where Erika James went wrong.

The reason for the resentment is due to the fact that the book portraits BDSM in a way that is very far from how it really is. For example, a recurring theme in the book is the prospect of Christian Grey trying to get Ana to enter a legal contract with him for a dom/sub relationship, and pushing her into being a submissive against her will. While not being strictly forceful, Christian Grey is, in fact, a sexual predator, and uses unethical practices to try to force Ana into becoming his submissive. At the very least, the great inequality between the very attractive millionaire and a timid student makes the entire relationship sour from the beginning (the ‘might makes right’ syndrome). Would have Ana continued to see Christian if he hasn’t showered her with expensive gifts? Would she have consented freely to the sex or the BDSM scenes if he was just a regular guy like her? Probably not.

As we all know, in real life too, greatly-unequal relationship sometimes include or lead to some level of abuse by the strong/powerful/wealthy partner, but associating this with BDSM culture may make people think of it as something that’s normal or expected in any BDSM relationship. However, in reality, the exact opposite is true.  In a BDSM dom/sub relationship, even though the dom controls the sub, this control is GIVEN to the dom by the sub, out of the sub’s will or need to be dominated, not because they want to appease the dom or as ‘payment’ for sex or love. Similarly, in a role-play scene, the bottom asks the top to inflict pain on them because they want and enjoy it, not as some reluctant agreement aimed to gain the top’s affection or attention.

Another problem with the book is that the spike in interest also led to people attempting to experiment BDSM role play without any guidance or experience, which led not only to disappointment, but also to a significantly high number of injuries and accidents.

If you have read the book, and curious to try BDSM, but haven’t delved into it quite yet, I would encourage you to forget everything you read there. At most BDSM clubs, you won't find any handsome millionaires looking for love, and steaming sex scenes aren't that common either. Instead, read this blog, and come join a BDSM party in your area. You will find that most of us are warm and welcoming people, who will be happy to show you around and ease you into the culture without needing to compromise your values and safety. Many venues also organize "tasting" events, where you can experience various instruments, devices and techniques to see how it feels like!

See you at the dungeon!

What is Sex Positive?

The term “Sex-Positive” comes up a lot in the BDSM world, and even more specifically in the Seattle community, as our main club is specifically named “The Center for Sex-Positive Culture” (CSPC). This begs the question what IS sex-positive, and what’s the big deal?

Sex-positive is a concept which is the basis for a social movement by the same name. It goes back almost a century ago to the Austrian psychoanalyst Wilhelm Reich, who wrote about it first in his book The Invasion of Compulsory Sex-Morality (Part of which you can read here and the full thing can be ordered here).

The concept of sex-positive suggests that sex should be considered by all to be a good, healthy and normal thing. This position is in contrast to the common state of mind in many western societies (*), which views sex as shameful, sinful and even disgusting. One might argue that this isn’t the case, citing how common sex and nudity is in our culture, even in mainstream broadcast television, but even though we have made a lot of progress, the core values (at least in America) are still quite negative towards sex (for example...how many people you know that you could say "I masturbated to your photo last night, and came SO hard"?). It’s true that sexual content is more readily available, and less restricted than it was a decade or two ago, but most Americans still hold values that define sex as something that should not be discussed (let alone performed) in public. Even today, in 2017, it doesn’t take much more than a shot of a woman in a Bikini or a kissing scene to get a movie rated “PG-13”, and Women who breastfeed their infants in public still get routinely harassed.

* This isn’t to say that every person in Western Society feel this way…just that it’s the dominant view shared by most people

People who subscribe to the sex-positive view feel that sexual attraction between adults is nothing to be ashamed of, and acting on it shouldn't be more restricted or judged than engaging in a game of chess or sharing a meal. That doesn’t mean necessarily that people would or should jump into bed together without any considerations…just that they shouldn’t avoid that due to arbitrary rules. For example, many people follow the “3 date rule”, which dictates that people should not have sex before they completed at least 3 dates. Other, even more extreme rules say that a woman shouldn’t ask a man out, but rather wait for the man to initiate the romantic relationship (presumably because a woman initiating a relationship is promiscuous, and that being promiscuous is bad). These values and rules are often taught to people at an early age, by their parents, friends and the media (mostly romantic comedies) and continue to permeate our world very deeply.

Within the sex-positive community, people feel completely free to voice their appreciation or attraction to another (politely and respectfully!), and if the feelings are mutual, they usually feel free to engage in romantic or sexual activity at-will. They also engage in this activity outside of the classic confined spaces of the bedroom and anywhere where it is legal and doesn’t hurt or offend others. This doesn’t mean that a couple would go ahead with a loud intercourse session on the street or in front of their children, but on the other hand, they wouldn’t go to lengths to hide the fact that they are engaging in sex (for example, society’s sex-negative rules suggest that intercourse would only be OK after the kids have gone to sleep so that the kids don’t know of it).

Most of us in the sex-positive community don’t try too much to change the world, but most of us certainly hope a day will come where saying “mom and dad are going upstairs to have sex” to a child wouldn’t risk a raid by Social Services and when a woman walking around topless wouldn’t risk her being thrown in jail (New York, Hawaii, Maine, Ohio, and Texas are the only states in the US that explicitly allow a woman being topless in public).

Will this day ever come? It’s hard to say for sure. Even as late as 2004, female nudity on public television has drawn massive protests by viewers, and the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) still limits what can be shown on public television. Studies show that currently there’s twice as much sexual activity being depicted on television compared to previous decades, and the success of shows like Game of Thrones and Billions suggest that sex-positive values are becoming more common and acceptable to the American public. Perhaps when the current generation (Millennials, a.k.a. Generation Y) become the dominant in media and business, we will start to see a shift in public opinion. Me and my friends certainly hope so!

Talk the talk

Talk the talk

Like any other thing in life, the kink community has a large vocabulary of terms, and knowing them is important not only to appear cool and knowledgeable, but also to avoid finding yourself in a risky position, or doing something you didn’t intend to do. The knowledge can also help you avoid offending someone by mistake.

Age Play – an uncommon kink where arousal is derived from acting out a different age (usually younger) than one is actually at. The “top” participant carries out typical parenting tasks with the “bottom” age player, such as putting diapers on the bottom, or feeding him/her.

Blood play – an uncommon kink where arousal is derived from activity that leads to bleeding, such as needle insertion or breaking the skin with knives and other sharp objects. Blood Play is considered one of the more extreme kinks and many places do not allow it, or severely restricts it.

Bottom – the partner in a role-play who is on the receiving or submissive side of the scene. For example, in a whipping, the bottom is the one receiving the whip lashes

CBT – Cock Balls Torture. A form of play where the top administers pressure, impact, pain or discomfort specifically to the genitalia (mostly towards men)

Consent – the agreement of a person engaging in BDSM or sexual activity to receive or engage in said activity. Sex-positive people, especially in BDSM place significant importance on the need for mutual informed consent from all involved parties in any activity using phrases such as “No means no” or “yes means yes”

Crop – an instrument originally designed to inflict physical impact on horses as a means to control their behavior, and often used in impact play to inflict light-to-moderate pain

Cuckold – a kink in which a person enjoys observing his partner engaged in sex with another person

Dom (Dominant) – A person engaged in BDSM who might dominate and control others as part of a BDSM activity. A BDSM DOM might continue this as part of normal life, such as dominating his or her partner in domestic life. A DOM would often conduct him or herself in a dominant manner towards other people in the community even if he or she are not in a negotiated scene.

Dungeon – a place used for BDSM play. A dungeon can be a club, or a room in a facility used primarily for this function, although many dungeons are used for other activity at other times (for example, a gymnasium or car garage). There are also dungeons available for rent on an hourly or daily basis. Dungeons are usually secluded or isolated so as to allow loud activity (which can include screaming) without disturbing others or attracting undue attention.

eSTIM – Electric Stimulation. A category of BDSM play that involves devices designed to inflict sensation or pain via electric current. Notable examples are EMS devices, originally designed to exercise muscle groups via electric pulses, and Violet Wands, which use low current, high voltage to inflict sensation by proximity or touch.

Fear Play – a lesser common kink during which excitement or arousal is achieved by exploiting the bottom’s fear of something. For example, a top may threaten the bottom with a knife or gun to excite the bottom.

Female Ejaculation – a process through which a female releases fluid from her genitals in response to sexual arousal or during orgasm. Female ejaculation is a common fetish for both males and females, though some deny that the released fluid is a unique secretion rather than urine.

Fetish – a sexual focus on something that is outside simple biological sex. A fetish can be an arousal from a body part that isn’t a sexual organ, as well as (nonphysical) arousal from a non-living object such as a shoe or a doll.

Flogger – a device commonly used in BDSM impact play. A flogger is typically composed of a group of soft strands (often made of leather) that are 15-30” long, attached to a handle. A top would use his hands to swing one or more floggers to impact a bottom and cause sensations or pain.

Forced BI – A somewhat uncommon kink where a person is forced to act in opposite to his preferred sexual orientation. For example, a Dom may perform anal penetration of a male bottom in a forceful or humiliating fashion. Despite the use of “forced”, this type of play is still consensual.

Furry – a somewhat uncommon kink where a person is infatuated with animals and chooses to dress or behave in a fashion that is similar to how a chosen animal behaves. This could include wearing an item such as a simulated tail or animal-ears, as well as engaging in sexual activity that simulates certain animal aspects

Impact play – the most common kink, where various tools are used to inflict discomfort or pain on another person. Impact play covers everything from spanking to severe beating with impact tools

Kink – a personal preference towards sexual behavior that is outside generic sexual activity that involves penetrative sex between two partners. The definition of kink changes around the world, so a clear definition may be elusive to some

Latex – a synthetic or natural polymer that is commonly used in making attire and accessories used in kink. Latex can produce clothing items that are extremely shiny, and that appearance is a very popular kink, shared by many.

Leather – Leather clothing is a very common fetish shared by many. Leather is also used in many BDSM cloths and accessories due to its high durability.

Lycra – Lycra, also known as Spandex, is a synthetic fiber known for its exceptional elasticity and high degree of shine. Similarly to Latex and leather, it’s commonly used in fetish-wear, often as an affordable alternative to leather or latex.

Milking – A somewhat uncommon fetish where a male is brought to orgasm and action is taken with the intent of causing the male to produce as much semen as possible. This is sometimes achieved or enhanced by stimulating the male’s prostate.

Mistress – a common term used to refer to a female Dominatrix. It’s often used in BDSM films, but in the real world it can be conceived as derogatory as it also refers to a person who is an illicit sexual or romantic partner to a man in a monogamous relationship.

Negotiation – a process where prospective sexual or BDSM partners discuss and agree on the activity they will engage in. Negotiation can be short or long, but critical to avoid finding oneself in a position or engaging in activity that wasn’t desired. Proper negotiation is a staple of the Sex-positive and BDSM communities

Orgasm Denial – a common fetish where a person is aroused close to orgasm and then prevented from reaching it by withdrawing arousal. In a doom/sub relationship, it’s fairly common for the Submissive to be disallowed to climax without express permission from his or her Dom, and thus orgasm denial is a common part of sex and role play.

Perversion – a sexual preference or activity that is considered particularly abnormal, repulsive or obsessive. It is somewhat similar to Kink, but typically refers to non-consensual activity such as rape or pedophilia.

Play – see Role Play

Pegging – a common kink in which a woman is wearing a simulated penis that attaches to the body using straps, and uses it to penetrate her partner (typically male). Many males enjoy the physical sensations provided by anal penetration, as well as the submissive feeling of being penetrated (sometimes forcefully) by a female. The device used for this is known as a “strap-on”.

Rack – A common piece of furniture used in BDSM, which allows a BDSM bottom to be restrained during a scene. A rack would typically be made of wood or metal, and be sizable and sturdy to be able to keep the restrained person in-place even when moving and wiggling in response to inflicted pain.

Role Play – An activity in which two or more people play out a role as part of a BDSM or sexual fantasy, such as a police officer and criminal fantasy. Role Play is the basis for most BDSM activity, as even the basic Dom/Sub scenario is a fictional one, and acted only within a pre-determined scene. In casual talk, this is typically abbreviated to “Play”.

Ruined Orgasm – an uncommon fetish in which a person is stimulated until reaching orgasm, at which point further stimulation is withheld, which typically prevents the maximum enjoyment that would otherwise be derived from continued stimulation during orgasmic contractions. Ruined Orgasm is typically acted as part of a humiliation scene in some Dom/Sub relationships.

Safe Word – A word used by a BDSM bottom to inform his or her top that the activity needs to be stopped. A safe word is typically agreed-upon before a scene is played, and is a critical component in keeping the activity safe, as regular stop-words such as “Stop” or “no” are commonly used in play even when there is no desire to actually stop. The Safe Word is the foundation of consensual and safe BDSM play.

Scene – A unit of BDSM play that is acted by the participants. When BDSM partners engage in an activity, it is considered to be a scene, and a ground-rule in the community is that others are to keep their distance and avoid interfering or interrupting a scene. Sometimes also referred to as a “Session”

Session – see Scene

Sex-positive – a movement and mind-set which promotes and embraces sexuality as a normal, common and positive, as opposed to how it’s viewed by many societies. Many societies and cultures tend to see sex as shameful and taboo, while sex-positive advocates practice and engage in sex freely with lesser artificial boundaries. For example, two sex-positive individuals may engage in sex rapidly upon meeting each other, as opposed to avoiding it for an arbitrary duration that is mandated by society (such as the 3^rd date rule, or the no-sex-before-marriage rule). Similarly, sex-positive individuals often feel more open towards BDSM and other kinks, which are looked-down upon or forbidden by most western societies and cultures.

Shibari – See Suspension

Spandex – see Lycra

Stingy – In impact play, the sensation inflicted by an instrument is typically described as either Stingy or Thuddy. This can vary by the design of the instrument itself, as well as the way it’s operated by an individual. Similarly, certain bottoms prefer one or the other as part of impact play.

Strap-on – See Pegging

Sub (Submissive) - A person engaged in BDSM who might be dominated and controlled by another as part of a BDSM activity. A submissive personality is very common, and people who are submissive derive a great deal of comfort from being told what to do and complying with the orders. A Dominant/submissive relationship is very common in the BDSM community, and many extend this to their personal and domestic lives as well. If unchecked, a submissive individual may find it very difficult to not follow the commands of others, and this could present itself as a major challenge in real life, such as in the workplace.

Suspension – a common activity in BDSM, during which an individual is tied up using rope and suspended from the ceiling or an object. Being suspended can sometimes involve swinging while suspended, and provides pleasure from that, as well as from being restrained by the rope. A particular type of rope-work is Shibari, originating in Japan, which is characterized by an exceptionally artistic, ornate and decorative application of rope and knots.

Switch – A person who enjoys both being a bottom and top in BDSM. Many people who enjoy BDSM perform as a top with certain partners, and a bottom with others.

Sybian – A device developed by Dave Lampert, designed to provide anal or vaginal stimulation, as well as clitoral or perineal stimulation. The Sybian contains a powerful vibration and motion engine, as well as a wired controller allowing the subject or a partner to control the action of the device. It is considered to one of the most stimulating and effective sex toys ever designed.

Thuddy – see Stingy

Top - the partner in a role-play who is administering or giving treatment to the Bottom. For example, in a pegging scene, the top would be penetrating the bottom using a Strap-On

Vanilla – A term used by members of the BDSM and Sex-positive community to refer to individuals who do not possess kinks or fetishes, and do not share the sex-positive mind-set. The term is sometimes used as a derogatory, referring to such individuals’ closed mind-set that prevents them from enjoying the rich world of experiences that the BDSM and sex-positive communities offers.

Vinyl – A polymer that can be used to produce clothing material that is shiny, and somewhat similar to Latex. In the BDSM community, Vinyl is often used in fetish-wear as a cheaper alternative to Latex.

Violet Wand – an instrument that produces a low current and high voltage electric current in a vacuum tube. The gas that fills the tube glows violet when operated, giving the device its name. A Violet Wand is often used as part of BDSM play to cause sensation or pain in the bottom by passing the wand close to the skin or touching it.

Voyeurism – a common kink in which the voyeur is aroused by watching other people engage in sexual activity that would otherwise be private. Sex clubs often provide a lot of stimulation to voyeurs, as they openly encourage participants to watch other activity that is occurring.