Talk the talk

Talk the talk

Like any other thing in life, the kink community has a large vocabulary of terms, and knowing them is important not only to appear cool and knowledgeable, but also to avoid finding yourself in a risky position, or doing something you didn’t intend to do. The knowledge can also help you avoid offending someone by mistake.

Age Play – an uncommon kink where arousal is derived from acting out a different age (usually younger) than one is actually at. The “top” participant carries out typical parenting tasks with the “bottom” age player, such as putting diapers on the bottom, or feeding him/her.

Blood play – an uncommon kink where arousal is derived from activity that leads to bleeding, such as needle insertion or breaking the skin with knives and other sharp objects. Blood Play is considered one of the more extreme kinks and many places do not allow it, or severely restricts it.

Bottom – the partner in a role-play who is on the receiving or submissive side of the scene. For example, in a whipping, the bottom is the one receiving the whip lashes

CBT – Cock Balls Torture. A form of play where the top administers pressure, impact, pain or discomfort specifically to the genitalia (mostly towards men)

Consent – the agreement of a person engaging in BDSM or sexual activity to receive or engage in said activity. Sex-positive people, especially in BDSM place significant importance on the need for mutual informed consent from all involved parties in any activity using phrases such as “No means no” or “yes means yes”

Crop – an instrument originally designed to inflict physical impact on horses as a means to control their behavior, and often used in impact play to inflict light-to-moderate pain

Cuckold – a kink in which a person enjoys observing his partner engaged in sex with another person

Dom (Dominant) – A person engaged in BDSM who might dominate and control others as part of a BDSM activity. A BDSM DOM might continue this as part of normal life, such as dominating his or her partner in domestic life. A DOM would often conduct him or herself in a dominant manner towards other people in the community even if he or she are not in a negotiated scene.

Dungeon – a place used for BDSM play. A dungeon can be a club, or a room in a facility used primarily for this function, although many dungeons are used for other activity at other times (for example, a gymnasium or car garage). There are also dungeons available for rent on an hourly or daily basis. Dungeons are usually secluded or isolated so as to allow loud activity (which can include screaming) without disturbing others or attracting undue attention.

eSTIM – Electric Stimulation. A category of BDSM play that involves devices designed to inflict sensation or pain via electric current. Notable examples are EMS devices, originally designed to exercise muscle groups via electric pulses, and Violet Wands, which use low current, high voltage to inflict sensation by proximity or touch.

Fear Play – a lesser common kink during which excitement or arousal is achieved by exploiting the bottom’s fear of something. For example, a top may threaten the bottom with a knife or gun to excite the bottom.

Female Ejaculation – a process through which a female releases fluid from her genitals in response to sexual arousal or during orgasm. Female ejaculation is a common fetish for both males and females, though some deny that the released fluid is a unique secretion rather than urine.

Fetish – a sexual focus on something that is outside simple biological sex. A fetish can be an arousal from a body part that isn’t a sexual organ, as well as (nonphysical) arousal from a non-living object such as a shoe or a doll.

Flogger – a device commonly used in BDSM impact play. A flogger is typically composed of a group of soft strands (often made of leather) that are 15-30” long, attached to a handle. A top would use his hands to swing one or more floggers to impact a bottom and cause sensations or pain.

Forced BI – A somewhat uncommon kink where a person is forced to act in opposite to his preferred sexual orientation. For example, a Dom may perform anal penetration of a male bottom in a forceful or humiliating fashion. Despite the use of “forced”, this type of play is still consensual.

Furry – a somewhat uncommon kink where a person is infatuated with animals and chooses to dress or behave in a fashion that is similar to how a chosen animal behaves. This could include wearing an item such as a simulated tail or animal-ears, as well as engaging in sexual activity that simulates certain animal aspects

Impact play – the most common kink, where various tools are used to inflict discomfort or pain on another person. Impact play covers everything from spanking to severe beating with impact tools

Kink – a personal preference towards sexual behavior that is outside generic sexual activity that involves penetrative sex between two partners. The definition of kink changes around the world, so a clear definition may be elusive to some

Latex – a synthetic or natural polymer that is commonly used in making attire and accessories used in kink. Latex can produce clothing items that are extremely shiny, and that appearance is a very popular kink, shared by many.

Leather – Leather clothing is a very common fetish shared by many. Leather is also used in many BDSM cloths and accessories due to its high durability.

Lycra – Lycra, also known as Spandex, is a synthetic fiber known for its exceptional elasticity and high degree of shine. Similarly to Latex and leather, it’s commonly used in fetish-wear, often as an affordable alternative to leather or latex.

Milking – A somewhat uncommon fetish where a male is brought to orgasm and action is taken with the intent of causing the male to produce as much semen as possible. This is sometimes achieved or enhanced by stimulating the male’s prostate.

Mistress – a common term used to refer to a female Dominatrix. It’s often used in BDSM films, but in the real world it can be conceived as derogatory as it also refers to a person who is an illicit sexual or romantic partner to a man in a monogamous relationship.

Negotiation – a process where prospective sexual or BDSM partners discuss and agree on the activity they will engage in. Negotiation can be short or long, but critical to avoid finding oneself in a position or engaging in activity that wasn’t desired. Proper negotiation is a staple of the Sex-positive and BDSM communities

Orgasm Denial – a common fetish where a person is aroused close to orgasm and then prevented from reaching it by withdrawing arousal. In a doom/sub relationship, it’s fairly common for the Submissive to be disallowed to climax without express permission from his or her Dom, and thus orgasm denial is a common part of sex and role play.

Perversion – a sexual preference or activity that is considered particularly abnormal, repulsive or obsessive. It is somewhat similar to Kink, but typically refers to non-consensual activity such as rape or pedophilia.

Play – see Role Play

Pegging – a common kink in which a woman is wearing a simulated penis that attaches to the body using straps, and uses it to penetrate her partner (typically male). Many males enjoy the physical sensations provided by anal penetration, as well as the submissive feeling of being penetrated (sometimes forcefully) by a female. The device used for this is known as a “strap-on”.

Rack – A common piece of furniture used in BDSM, which allows a BDSM bottom to be restrained during a scene. A rack would typically be made of wood or metal, and be sizable and sturdy to be able to keep the restrained person in-place even when moving and wiggling in response to inflicted pain.

Role Play – An activity in which two or more people play out a role as part of a BDSM or sexual fantasy, such as a police officer and criminal fantasy. Role Play is the basis for most BDSM activity, as even the basic Dom/Sub scenario is a fictional one, and acted only within a pre-determined scene. In casual talk, this is typically abbreviated to “Play”.

Ruined Orgasm – an uncommon fetish in which a person is stimulated until reaching orgasm, at which point further stimulation is withheld, which typically prevents the maximum enjoyment that would otherwise be derived from continued stimulation during orgasmic contractions. Ruined Orgasm is typically acted as part of a humiliation scene in some Dom/Sub relationships.

Safe Word – A word used by a BDSM bottom to inform his or her top that the activity needs to be stopped. A safe word is typically agreed-upon before a scene is played, and is a critical component in keeping the activity safe, as regular stop-words such as “Stop” or “no” are commonly used in play even when there is no desire to actually stop. The Safe Word is the foundation of consensual and safe BDSM play.

Scene – A unit of BDSM play that is acted by the participants. When BDSM partners engage in an activity, it is considered to be a scene, and a ground-rule in the community is that others are to keep their distance and avoid interfering or interrupting a scene. Sometimes also referred to as a “Session”

Session – see Scene

Sex-positive – a movement and mind-set which promotes and embraces sexuality as a normal, common and positive, as opposed to how it’s viewed by many societies. Many societies and cultures tend to see sex as shameful and taboo, while sex-positive advocates practice and engage in sex freely with lesser artificial boundaries. For example, two sex-positive individuals may engage in sex rapidly upon meeting each other, as opposed to avoiding it for an arbitrary duration that is mandated by society (such as the 3^rd date rule, or the no-sex-before-marriage rule). Similarly, sex-positive individuals often feel more open towards BDSM and other kinks, which are looked-down upon or forbidden by most western societies and cultures.

Shibari – See Suspension

Spandex – see Lycra

Stingy – In impact play, the sensation inflicted by an instrument is typically described as either Stingy or Thuddy. This can vary by the design of the instrument itself, as well as the way it’s operated by an individual. Similarly, certain bottoms prefer one or the other as part of impact play.

Strap-on – See Pegging

Sub (Submissive) - A person engaged in BDSM who might be dominated and controlled by another as part of a BDSM activity. A submissive personality is very common, and people who are submissive derive a great deal of comfort from being told what to do and complying with the orders. A Dominant/submissive relationship is very common in the BDSM community, and many extend this to their personal and domestic lives as well. If unchecked, a submissive individual may find it very difficult to not follow the commands of others, and this could present itself as a major challenge in real life, such as in the workplace.

Suspension – a common activity in BDSM, during which an individual is tied up using rope and suspended from the ceiling or an object. Being suspended can sometimes involve swinging while suspended, and provides pleasure from that, as well as from being restrained by the rope. A particular type of rope-work is Shibari, originating in Japan, which is characterized by an exceptionally artistic, ornate and decorative application of rope and knots.

Switch – A person who enjoys both being a bottom and top in BDSM. Many people who enjoy BDSM perform as a top with certain partners, and a bottom with others.

Sybian – A device developed by Dave Lampert, designed to provide anal or vaginal stimulation, as well as clitoral or perineal stimulation. The Sybian contains a powerful vibration and motion engine, as well as a wired controller allowing the subject or a partner to control the action of the device. It is considered to one of the most stimulating and effective sex toys ever designed.

Thuddy – see Stingy

Top - the partner in a role-play who is administering or giving treatment to the Bottom. For example, in a pegging scene, the top would be penetrating the bottom using a Strap-On

Vanilla – A term used by members of the BDSM and Sex-positive community to refer to individuals who do not possess kinks or fetishes, and do not share the sex-positive mind-set. The term is sometimes used as a derogatory, referring to such individuals’ closed mind-set that prevents them from enjoying the rich world of experiences that the BDSM and sex-positive communities offers.

Vinyl – A polymer that can be used to produce clothing material that is shiny, and somewhat similar to Latex. In the BDSM community, Vinyl is often used in fetish-wear as a cheaper alternative to Latex.

Violet Wand – an instrument that produces a low current and high voltage electric current in a vacuum tube. The gas that fills the tube glows violet when operated, giving the device its name. A Violet Wand is often used as part of BDSM play to cause sensation or pain in the bottom by passing the wand close to the skin or touching it.

Voyeurism – a common kink in which the voyeur is aroused by watching other people engage in sexual activity that would otherwise be private. Sex clubs often provide a lot of stimulation to voyeurs, as they openly encourage participants to watch other activity that is occurring.