The Sex-positive and BDSM communities have some of the
friendliest, most open-minded people in the world, and making friends and
contacts in such an atmosphere is super easy even for those of us who are more
shy and timid. However, if you are not familiar with the rules and etiquette of
these communities, it could still be a little intimating. On the other hand, If
you plan on walking into a BDSM or sex club thinking that you’ll be instantly
stormed by hordes of horny men or women…that’s not the reality either.
While BDSM practitioners and sex-positive people are super
open minded, and very sexually active, one must keep in mind that they are not
just a bunch of out-of-control horny sluts. While most of us don’t follow
arbitrary sexual conduct rules like the “3 date rule”, that doesn’t mean
they’ll jump in the sack with anyone who wants them. Generally speaking, the
same social “rules” that govern how we behave anywhere also apply within the
BDSM and SP community. This means that people want to get to know others before
they engage in sex or BDSM play, and they won’t go for it with people they
don’t feel safe and good with.
If you are very new to the community and don’t know anyone
just yet, you might find yourself at an event or party, standing somewhere with
your drink, and not sure what to do or where to start. You might see people
around you engaged in all sorts of conversation or play, and have no idea how
to join. Well, I don’t have any magic tricks to make shyness disappear, but one
thing I’ve found is helpful to many is to arrive at an event early…and by
early, I mean as soon as the doors open. At that point, there would be
only a handful of people at the place, and most likely they wouldn’t have much
to do either. That’s a golden opportunity to strike up a conversation and start
making friends. Go over, offer a handshake and introduce yourself by your name
or nickname (BTW, if your name is something completely unpronounceable like Mahershalalhashbaz,
Szymankowszczyzna or Streichholzschächtelchen…this would be an excellent time
to pick something easier like Ben or Kim). Then, start a conversation on some “small
talk” topic. This could be anything, though you could consider aiming for one
of the following common topics in the community:
- How long have you been in the community/coming here?
- What are your favorite kinks?
- What kind of stuff have you done?
- What’s your favorite party? (as most clubs have different themed parties)
Also, if it feels appropriate, offer a compliment about the
other person’s clothing or general appearance. If you’ve seen that person in a
scene (today or in the past), complimenting the scene would go a long way as
well.
Another thing that can jumpstart a relationship is offering
a massage or a back rub. We are not talking about erotic massage here – just a
harmless, non-threatening rub; and most people in the sex-positive community
will gladly accept it. Make sure you use a soothing and friendly tone (as
opposed to a creepy, stalky one) and express some concern (for example: “Hey…it
looks like you could really use a back rub right now…” would be better than
“I’d like to rub your back”).
If the other person accepts, this would be a good
opportunity to engage in conversation, and the person will stick around for at
least a few minutes while you give the massage. If you do a good job, not only
will you have gained an acquaintance, but that person might also tell others
about it, creating a reputation for you.
Once you’ve gotten acquainted with a few folk, the next step
would be to try to join conversations that include people you already know. Be
watchful and make sure you don’t butt-in on private conversations (the distance
between the talkers would be a good indicator of that) and if you stand next to
the talkers, chances are the person you know will introduce you to the other
one.
Keep in mind that FetLife
is the SP and BDSM communities’ social network, so be prepared to give people
your FetLife alias (*), and you can even get yourself a business card with the
name printed, to make it easier for people to remember, as I discussed in an earlier post.
* If your
FetLife alias is one that’s hard to ‘get’ during normal conversation, that’s
probably a good idea to try to find a new one that’s easier for others to hear
and remember. For example “BleedingNipples” is going to be much more memorable
than “Swagr1989”
With any luck, you’ll have 4-5 new friends pretty fast, and
within a few weeks, you’ll have personally met and spoke to the majority of the
regular members of the establishment. If you continue with massaging people
regularly, pretty soon people will be chasing YOU to say hi!
See you on the massage table!
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