How did Fifty Shades get it wrong?

With over 60 million copies sold, the book series Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James has been one of the most successful books in history, and generated a huge amount of interest in BDSM. While we in the BDSM community owe a lot to the book for raising awareness to our lifestyle and getting many people into it, many of us feel a great deal of resentment towards the book as well. With the 2^nd movie having been released this weekend (and making around $150 million dollars), this is a good time to see where Erika James went wrong.

The reason for the resentment is due to the fact that the book portraits BDSM in a way that is very far from how it really is. For example, a recurring theme in the book is the prospect of Christian Grey trying to get Ana to enter a legal contract with him for a dom/sub relationship, and pushing her into being a submissive against her will. While not being strictly forceful, Christian Grey is, in fact, a sexual predator, and uses unethical practices to try to force Ana into becoming his submissive. At the very least, the great inequality between the very attractive millionaire and a timid student makes the entire relationship sour from the beginning (the ‘might makes right’ syndrome). Would have Ana continued to see Christian if he hasn’t showered her with expensive gifts? Would she have consented freely to the sex or the BDSM scenes if he was just a regular guy like her? Probably not.

As we all know, in real life too, greatly-unequal relationship sometimes include or lead to some level of abuse by the strong/powerful/wealthy partner, but associating this with BDSM culture may make people think of it as something that’s normal or expected in any BDSM relationship. However, in reality, the exact opposite is true.  In a BDSM dom/sub relationship, even though the dom controls the sub, this control is GIVEN to the dom by the sub, out of the sub’s will or need to be dominated, not because they want to appease the dom or as ‘payment’ for sex or love. Similarly, in a role-play scene, the bottom asks the top to inflict pain on them because they want and enjoy it, not as some reluctant agreement aimed to gain the top’s affection or attention.

Another problem with the book is that the spike in interest also led to people attempting to experiment BDSM role play without any guidance or experience, which led not only to disappointment, but also to a significantly high number of injuries and accidents.

If you have read the book, and curious to try BDSM, but haven’t delved into it quite yet, I would encourage you to forget everything you read there. At most BDSM clubs, you won't find any handsome millionaires looking for love, and steaming sex scenes aren't that common either. Instead, read this blog, and come join a BDSM party in your area. You will find that most of us are warm and welcoming people, who will be happy to show you around and ease you into the culture without needing to compromise your values and safety. Many venues also organize "tasting" events, where you can experience various instruments, devices and techniques to see how it feels like!

See you at the dungeon!