Are they really polyamorous?

 As someone who coaches, mentors and advises many people who are exploring, experimenting or experiencing polyamory, I often encounter individuals who run into the nightmare ultimatum scenario. The scenario is that they are enjoying polyamorous relationships with several individuals, and then one of the individuals decides that they want to be monogamous with them, and asks them to discard all other partners (or, if they are the only two at the time, promise to not seek any others). Some people go for it, and others let the person go, but regardless, this is a very difficult situation, and so the question is how to avoid or prevent it.

Like most things in life, there isn't a catch-all answer or solution, but there are some things that can give one a clue about the future of a relationship. People who might day present such an ultimatum usually don't do it with bad intentions, and most of them initiate the polyamorous relationship believing in all honesty that it's what they want, and only later realize that they are unable to beat their own monogamous programming, or their feelings of insecurity or jealousy. However, one thing that can serve as a clue is the way your partner deals with new partners. When a person enters the life of someone that already has partners, they are typically aware of what they are getting-into, and are capable of handling it. They typically respect partners that preceded them, much like a new employee at a company respects employees with more seniority. However, it is when newer partners join the mix that triggers the hidden insecurities. One of the tropes of monogamy is that if your partner connects with someone else, that is the most dangerous thing to your relationship, as the trope dictates that your partner will likely fall in love with the new person, and discard you for them. While this is inherently not true for a polyamorous relationship, people who are secretly or unknowingly monogamous still have that program running inside their heads. If their partners has a new partner (or sometimes even just has a fleeting interest or intention to have another partner), jealousy rears it's ugly head. 

I'm not suggesting anyone does that as any sort of test, but if you are suspecting your partner might run this risk, then one way to clearly see this is observing their reactions when a new romantic interest comes into the picture. A healthy polyamorous partner would feel joy, empathy and compresion, and typically be interest in learning about your new interest, getting to know them, and would typically encourage you to explore the relationship. A partner that's struggling might feel threatened and exhibit defensive or aggressive patterns. Those may not exhibit is simple and plain jealousy, but more subtly. For example, they might suddenly exhibit more interest in you than before, ask or demand more attention and more time together. They might exhibit suspicion or animosity towards the new person, such as questioning their intentions or compatibility. The latter may be very subtle, and if it's there, it might be genuine feelings of being protective of one's partner, and so if you observe this in your partner, be careful not to jump to conclusions. Ultimately, you know your partner best, and can see the big picture. If they do indeed harbor undercurrents of monogamy, that's tough. Many of us are programmed so deeply, that we can't let go, no matter how much we want. 

Is there a solution to this? Unfortunately, not really. De-programming and re-education is tough, and it gets harder as we age. A common concept in psychology says that people in their 50s or above cannot be helped with psychotherapy. This is not 100% accurate, of course, and there are exceptions, but in general, this is true. The expression "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" is a colloquial version of the same piece of knowledge. Age 50 is not a hard boundary, of course, but it's a general rule-of-thumb that suggests that around that age, it becomes harder and harder to change patterns of feelings and thoughts, and the same goes for poly/mono. 

As much as I hate being the bearer of bad news, this is a reality, and so when I am approached by people or couples in their 40s or above, who are wanting to explore polyamory, I often have to be straight with them, and tell them that their odds are not good. Hopefully, as our society progresses towards more liberal and progressive values, the need to deprogram or reprogram ourselves will become less and less of a need.  

Making a star-wars lightsaber flogger

 Turning a light-saber hilt into a flogger isn’t a particularly original idea, and people have been doing it for a while, though I believe mine is of particularly high quality and design. The first one I made was based on a simple toy lightsaber, which can be found at every toy store or online starting around $10 (I bought mine at Goodwill for 1 dollar). It was also using simple faux-leather from some coat I bought at the same thrift store for a few dollars. Later, when I had a bit more money available, I turned to making them out of metal and real leather, which increases the cost to about $200. Here’s how it’s done.

1^st step is to buy the hilt. There are numerous manufacturers of lightsaber hilts, and they start around $60 for a full metal hilt, which does not include a “blade” or electronics (star wars enthusiasts buy these with a light “bulb” that emulates the “blade”, as well as electronics that both power the light and creates various sounds effects like the humming of the blade. My provider of choice is Ultrasabers and others are Crimson Dawn, Vire Sabers, Artsabers, Rebel Sabers, Kybers, LGT sabers, TXQ sabers, Saber Trio and Pach. As you can imagine, the more elaborate the design of the hilt, the more expensive it would be, and $60 gets you something that isn’t much more than a simple tube. In the example used here, I chose the “Initiate V5” model from Ultrasabers, which cost $65, on which I applied a 10% discount coupon, and paid another $17 for shipping for a total of $75. Not bad for a hilt that’s quite pretty and elaborate.

For the leather, I went to an actual physical store in Seattle. While I have a strong preference for online shopping in general, leather is a problem, because the technical characteristics of a piece of leather (a.k.a. “hide”) can’t quite convey it’s texture, so buying online risks ending up with a piece that’s too rigid or too soft. Also, while online saves some money, it’s not a huge savings in the case of leather. I could have shaved off about $20 off the cost, but not much more. At my leather store of choice, McPherson, I found a nice piece of Elk leather. Leather usually comes as “hide” or smaller pieces like “half hide” or even “quarter hide”, and the store is usually willing to cut any hide into a half or quarter. The hide is sold based on the surface area times the price per foot, so a full hide would be about 25 square feet at $7-15 per foot, depending on thickness. There are, of course, cheaper and more expensive leather, but cheaper would be too thin for a flogger, and thicker would be too rigid, so the $7-15 hides are the range I was looking at. So I purchased half a hide and paid $90 for the piece, which was about 4’x3’.

4 more things I needed were a wood dowel, a metal strip, a screw-type hose clamp, and a few screws. The dowel is what the leather attaches to, and goes into the light saber hilt. The hilt is usually ¾” wide, so that’s the dowel I bought. I only needed about 10”, so I cut off a piece from a longer piece from Home Depot. The Metal strip is used to cover the bound leather from the outside, which both strengthens the flogger, and adds to the metallic look. Home Depot has 1’x1’ steel plates for about $6, and I cut out a strip that’s about 3” wide using metal shears. The Screw-type hose were bought at O'Reilly Auto Parts, which sells a pair for $3, and they can be re-used for other projects (I got 2” wide ones). Screws…I had plenty, but I needed 2 screws that are 1.5” long, one very large 1” screw, and one thin 1/8” screw (more details later).

Naturally, hides are not geometrical shape, so I had to cut off the sides to make it into a rectangle. Then, I flattened it on my cutting board and cut it into strips, but leaving the top 3” intact (so, a comb shape). This can be done with scissors, but I highly recommend using a very large ruler and box cutter, which is both easier and produces neater results. I had to replace the blade twice during this, as the leather wears it out quickly.

Next, I smeared glue on the suede side of the leather (this is my preference, so the leather side would be the visible one) and glued it to the dowel, holding it with a small clamp while it dries. It’s important to be neat when doing this part, so I did it slow, gluing about 10” at a time and letting it dry for 2 hours before gluing more. My favorite glue is the classic E6000, but you can also use epoxy or Gorilla glue (if using Gorilla, be careful with the quantity, as it foams and expands when it cures….which could end up being VERY ugly). I tried to fully cover the 3” leather area with glue, but it’s not critical as we also have the metal piece and screws to hold it in place.

Next, I took the 3” metal piece I cut off the 1’ sheet, and rolled it. I just used my hands and a table edge to do so. With this method, there’s no way to properly curl the lip (unless you use a bench vise), so after curling the rest of it, I just cut off a piece, and ended up with this:

After putting this around the bound leather, I used the hose clamp to tighten it as much as I could:

Next, I drilled through the metal and down into the middle of the dowel, and put in 2 screws. Make sure you chose screws that aren’t too long, so as to not risk splitting the dowel. Also, make sure you use the appropriate size drill for the same reason. Ideally, round-head screws are best for this, as they sit flush against the surface, but in my case, I used simple wood screws, so I also added these specialty washers known as “Counter-sunk” washers or “finishing” washers:

Once the screws were fully in, I unscrewed the hose clamp and removed it.

The lightsaber hilt is quite beautiful as-is, and the next step would be to simply insert the dower into it and fasten it in place, but I wanted to balance the flogger, which I did by casting metal into the hilt to make it heavier. This is purely optional, and might be above the comfort level of many people, though it’s quite easy. I use Pewter for this, which melts with a simple propane torch (which I keep at home for making Crème Brule and other uses). Pewter items are plentiful at my local thrift store and a few dollars buys you quite a bit of it. In my case, I have collected pewter for years, and I usually melt it into a silicone ice tray to make 1.5” pieces that are easy to manage. I place it in a metal ladle and melt it with the torch, and then simply pour it into the hilt. In this case, I melted about 8 cubes for a total added weight of about 14 ounces.

Finally, after the hilt cooled, I put the dowel into the shaft all the way through, and attached it with two screws. The hilt comes with a ½” hold, which is supposed to be for the power switch, but I drilled a ¼” hold into the dowel and stuck a large and thick screw into it to hold the dowel in place. I then placed a 1/8” screw into the hilt in the front (it comes with a hole for that) and tightened it into the dowel to keep it steadier. Both of these were machine screws, not wood screws, so that required careful drilling into the wood, but nothing too complex.

That’s it, and the saber flogger is ready for action. How does one use it? Simple! USE THE FORCE!!!

Labels of love

When talking to people, especially in the sex-positive community, is about one's preferences. One person is a bottom, another is a top, and some are 'switch' (meaning both). Another preference is, of course, sexual orientation - straight, gay, bi etc. Occasionally I ran across a person who refuses to use labels on principle. "Labels are bad" is the typical reason for this…but is that true?

Many people believe labels are a bad thing, and many professionals, such as psychologists, subscribe to that view as well…but are they right? I for one, totally disagree. Labels have been historically associated with a lot of bad stuff, but that doesn't make them bad. Labels are a tool, just like knives. In the right hands, any of these things can be an important tool, and in the wrong hand, a dangerous weapon. Same goes for labels. A label by itself does no harm…but if someone uses a label to exclude someone (for example, barring people from using a bathroom because they don't exactly conform to the label of "male" or "Female"), then this is bad behavior. The problem there isn't with the label itself, but with the person or organization that is applying the labels and creating unreasonable rules.

Another way labels can be a problem is when they are applied to people incorrectly or inappropriately. This could be a result of misunderstanding the person a label is applied to, or a misunderstanding the label itself. It can also happen when the person or group applying the labels is doing a bad job due to being lazy, ignorant, and many other reasons. A classic example of this are bisexuals, which is a group of individuals in the LGBTQ community who have suffered from misunderstanding and mislabeling for years. Even within the LGBTQ community, bisexuals are sometimes misunderstood or discriminated against for various reasons. However, even what that happens, the fault is still with those who misunderstand and discriminate, rather than the label itself

When not being misused, labels are actually quite useful, because they save a lot of time and effort in communications. One classic example is "Pansexual" (like me), which defines a person who is capable of being attracted not only to both Females and Males, but also to many other people on the LGBTQ spectrum that are outside these two groups. Using that label to refer to a person is much more efficient and clear than trying to explain it to someone else using words.

The main challenge with labels is that there are so many of them, and some are difficult to clearly understand or differentiate. For example, many people don't understand the difference between Queer and Gay. A lot has been written about that difference, so I won't go into it here, but learning the vocabulary of the sex-positive community can be extremely useful to anyone venturing in that realm. You might not want to carry some of these to the outside-world, as the public may misunderstand and judge you incorrectly (for example, many people think that people who practice Polyamory are all promiscuous, which is incorrect, of course), but using them with our people is quite fantastic and fun!

Building a St. Andrew's Cross BDSM Rack

Nothing is more iconic as a heavy and dark St. Andrew’s cross, and no BDSM dungeon should be without one. However, those things are expensive, often selling for upwards of $1000. The good news is they are fairly simple to build, and I have recently built one for my club. Here’s how you can build one too.

The main design concepts behind my Cross:

1.      Flat design

2.      Folding leg for easy storage

3.      Side-mounted cuff eyelets

4.      Thin, removable back-cushion

There is no one-way to design a cross, and mine is slightly different than others I’ve seen. I don’t claim to be an expert on these, so please don’t assume any of the notions or ideas I have below are set-in-stone. My cross has a lot of moving/folding parts, which make it easy to stow or transport, but also make it less robust and stable than fixed-part ones.

Materials

You would need:

1. 4 wood beams, 6x2x8 (6 inches wide, 2 inches thick, 8 feet long). I used “Prime Fir” from Home depot, which are about $4 each.
2. Wood bars, 2x2 (you’d need about 5 feet total)
3. 4 heavy hinges. I got mine for 50 cents each at Habitat for Humanity. If they didn’t come with screws, you’d need to get more of those listed at #5 below.
4. 4 12” connecting plates, $4 each
5. 30 heavy duty 1 ¼” #14 screws, about 20 cents each
6. 8 heavy duty 3” #14 screws, about 50 cents each
7. 4-8 heavy duty eyelets, screw-in types, about 90 cents each
8. 1 or more lock-latch
9. 1 securing pin (to secure the legs together when latched)
10. Some kind of stain/lacquer/sealant/paint. I recommend polyeurethane.
11. Sanding paper, block or sander tool
12. Wood board, ½ to 1” thick, about 1’x2’ (for back-pad)
13. Foam and upholstery-vinyl for the back-pad
14. Staple gun and staples

Tools

1. Electric drill
2. Drill Set
3. Screwdriver
4. Measuring tape and/or large ruler
5. Saw (ideally circular, or similar electric saw)
6. Paint Brush

You could also benefit from having a second power tool (screwdriver, drill or impact driver) so you can drill and screw in all the screws quickly without having to swap-out the drill bit multiple times.

Design

This is the design I used. Note that the back leg connects at about 60% of the height. You could attach it a bit higher, but I recommend not going lower, as it could reduce stability. You could use a heavier wood, like Cedar, Oak or Pine. I’ve attached two latches to the base board, so the back leg can be connected at two angles. The back-pad is almost universal to all crosses, but it can force the bottom to arch their back, which can be unhealthy, so I made it easily-removable. The front has a standing board, which is not mandatory, but increases stability, particularly if the person tied to it thrashes a lot. Ultimately, no cross is heavy enough to hold-down an average-weight American, so having that board is a good idea.

Workflow/process

1. Lay down the beams on top of each other, at the angle you desire.
2. Use a pencil to mark the cut line of the bottom beam
3. Cut the lower beam with your saw
4. Carefully align the beam pieces and drill holes for the screws. I often just put the screws into wood directly without pre-drilling, but since we are using very thick screws here, and natural wood, it’s important, so as to avoid the wood splitting.
5. Using the connecting plates and heavy screws, connect the two pieces of the beam you cut to the other beam, forming the cross. When doing so, use two plates on the top, and then flip over the cross and connect the other two plates. Also, make sure they don’t 100% overlap, so that the screws don’t accidentally “meet” inside the wood.

1. Using a ruler, or another beam, mark out the bottom and top of the beams for cutting. When doing so, I advise measuring the length too, so as to avoid accidentally cutting the cross askew.

1.  After cutting the bottom, cut and attach the 2x2 bar to the back side of the cross. A longer bar at the bottom, and a shorter piece at the 60% height.

<<<See pictures of all the pieces and angles below>>>

1. Attach the heavy hinges to the bottom and top bars, so that the back and bottom legs can fold inward. There are multiple ways to put the hinges, so it’s your decision. One consideration is for one of them to be set such so that the bottom leg folder “behind” the back leg. This makes it a little nicer when stored/stowed/carried.
2. Measure out and cut the 3^rd 2x6x9 beam to form the back and bottom legs. My back leg was 46 inches, and bottom board 20  inches long. You might need different sizes if your cross is higher or lower than mine. Also, my design tilts to about 15 degrees, but you might prefer it to tilt further (requiring longer bottom-board)
3. Attach the legs to the hinges
4. Attach the latches to the beams. I used the top-flap on the back-leg, and the eyelets on the bottom-leg. I placed one at the end of the leg, and a 2^nd one in the middle, so as to allow two locking positions. If you like, you can attach more. A variation of this design is to cut channels into the bottom leg, into-which the back leg will go. However, I think my design is better, as a lock can be connected to the latch, securing the cross.
5. Cut two pieces of the 2x2 bar, about 5-6” each. Place them on the side of the crossing and connect them to it with screws.
6. Cut the front base board, and attach it to the front-leg with hinges. Make sure you do this when the cross is standing, so that the distance between beams is right, letting the board stay flat. If you make this connection earlier, you might end up with the board being off the ground, and that won’t work, as the hinges won’t sustain an adult’s weight.
7. Take your back-pad wood and attach it to the bar pieces with 4 screws. Once you’ve upholstered it, you would be able to remove the screws attaching the bars to the cross, thus removing the pad, if needed.
8. Cover the pad with foam, and upholster it using the staple-gun.
9. Drill holes for the eyelets. Most crosses have the eyelets in the front, but I put mine on the sides. That way, a person is less likely to hit them when leaning against the cross. You can put as few as 4 eyelets (2 for the ankles, 2 for the wrists), but I put in a double set of wrist eyelets, so shorter people can still be cuffed to it with a sensible amount of comfort.
10. Sand the complete cross, and paint it in any way or style you like. I recommend the high-gloss, thick poly resin, as it will protect the wood from sweat and other bodily fluids, and be easy to wipe-down. For some reason, almost all crosses are painted mahogany or similar dark tint, so I made mine that way too, but there’s no practical reason for that. Make yours RAINBOW colors!!!
11. Once the paint has dried, make sure you carefully go over it and sand-down any rough spots or splinters. Even if you’ve sanded pre-paint, the paint itself often forms rough spots, so that’s important. This both avoids hurting the participants, and removes places that can collect bacteria.
12. If the cross is designated to be used in a public place, like a club or rental property, I would advise testing it with friends or partners first, to make sure there aren’t any weak spots (for example, some lower-quality boards might release splinters, or even crack). You don’t want that happening to a customer or guest!

The Economics of Relationships

This post is probably going to anger some people, as it seems to "cheapen" love by talking about it in economic terms. If you feel that way, please keep in mind this post isn't about convincing anyone to be polyamorous, and I strongly encourage people to follow their heart. The below is merely another way to look at how monogamy compares to polyamory.

Some things about monogamy and polyamory are similar to the economic model of a full-time employee versus a contractor or freelancer (I'm not talking about a person who works full-time under a vendor-contract, but about a person who works for multiple companies, a few hour or days a week each). A full-time employee is dependent on his employer for a living, and usually has little to no control over his employment or future. If they get fired, they might be unemployed for weeks or more. Often-times, such termination of the employment is a complete surprise. People who are less "good" at their profession or are very picky about their job can remain unemployed for months, or even years. Many of them are unhappy at their jobs, but stick around out of fear of being unemployed, or of a decline in their conditions/benefits/compensation.

A contracted employee, on the other hand, is not dependent on any specific employer. They are an independent person that can choose to work for any number of employers they choose. They can do so based on their own schedule, their income needs, and their willingness to invest time in working. If a specific employer is not a good match, or decides to terminate them, they still have income from others and there usually isn't a huge amount of pressure to replace the employer. The hiring and termination process are also usually simpler, faster and easier, and are not accompanied with too much drama or suffering.

In a full-time employment model, it's not unusual for an employee to feel jealous for their job, reacting negatively or even angrily if another employee is hired for their team ("are they here to replace me? Upstage me?") or does anything that suggest a change to their scope. With contractors, this is rarely the case, because the contractor has less to fear. Even if the new person is better, faster or stronger, losing the job isn't a huge impact, so that prospect is less scary.

The flip-side of this is, of course, that a contractor working for several companies doesn't have as strong a bond with them as a full time employee would. They would be less likely to stick-around if the going gets tough, and the employer would be more likely to fire them if there's a clash of some kind. Such contracts are also rare to be "forever", vs full-timers who might work in the same place for their entire career.

In the modern industrial world, most of us work full-time, and many don't enjoy it much (many are quite unhappy). Most of us have little to no choice, as most available jobs are like that, and it takes a lot of courage to decide to do it differently.

However, many do go for it, and discover that they are more successful and happier in a less-restrictive work style. Similarly, polyamory is less restrictive, more supportive and more fun, which is why it's becoming more and more popular with every day. People understand these advantages (sometimes unconsciously) and choose it.

Another type of comparison would be a department store vs. specialty stores. Like monogamy, a department store aims to offer you, the consumer, everything you might need. You can go to just one store and get food, cloths, electronics…even repair services. But if your town doesn't have a Fred Meyer or Target, you would have, instead, a wide selection of smaller stores. Would the butcher get jealous because you get your iPhone at the AT&T store? Probably not. Going to your department store has some convenience…you can save time and do it all in one place, but the cost is a more limited variety and selection. A department store would typically be more available to you than privately-owned stores, but since they aren't specialists, the quality of their products and service would often be lower.

Ok…I lied…this post IS "for" polyamory, because I am one and strongly support it. Then again, should someone choose polyamory due to practical reasons? I don't think so. Any relationship type has advantages and each of us should choose what matches their personality. However, I would like to strongly discourage people from choosing monogamy out of fear. If what leads you to stick with your spouse of 15 years is that you're afraid of being alone, or because you are afraid of the "explosion" that might result from a break-up, you are definitely doing this for the wrong reasons. Relationships are about love, and we should choose our partners, and choose to stay with them because we love them, not because it's easier.

The unethical Jealousy

As polyamory gains more and more momentum in our society, it naturally gains more coverage in the press and media. A new TV show started in the UK recently, titled “Wanderlust”, and tells the story of a married couple who lose interest in Sex with each other, and then discover the pleasures of extra-marital sex together.

In one scene in the show, the husband says to his wife incredulously “You’re actually suggesting we both CHEAT on each other???”, which shows us a common myth about open relationships. However, an open relationship does not mean cheating…quite the opposite…it’s SHARING. Cheating is to act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage, but people who are in open relationships do so honestly and ethically. If that person has a spouse or other type of partner (fiancé, girlfriend, boyfriend etc.), they would engage in romantic or sexual relationships only with the knowledge and approval of the other, and they would make sure whoever they are having said relationship with is aware that they have other partners.

Naturally, there are people who identify themselves as in open-relationships and still cheat…but they are simply wrong. Perhaps they are misinformed about what “open” mean, or perhaps they are lying to themselves or others to defer or avoid the guilt of what they are doing. The Polyamory community, in general, doesn’t judge people who do cheat, and so even unethical people would usually still be accepted and loved, but make no mistake…cheating is lying, and it is lying to someone you have specifically vowed to be honest-with (as in…worse than just lying to the clerk at the grocery store or another random person).

One thing that keeps bugging me with regards to polyamory and ethics is the fact that our society so heavily stresses and focuses on the positive value of sharing, but is so hard-core against sharing PEOPLE. If you talk to most people, you would find that they would accept and even encourage anger and violence against someone who even thinks of extra-marital sex. How many times have you heard of someone yelling, hitting or even kicking out their partner because said partner looked at another man or woman randomly? The below image is a stock-photo, but most of us have either experienced this, or heard a friend or family member express their anger at the notion of their partner being attracted to someone else. Would we also be so harsh on someone is asking to borrow our car, or on an employee who is interviewing for another company? How can we tell our kids to always share things like food and earthly possessions, but then tell them that sharing the love of a person is a horrible sin? How can we tell them that parents can love multiple children, and that children can love multiple parents, but not multiple boyfriends/girlfriends?

There are discussions and disagreements in the scientific community about whether personal possessiveness is an evolved trait that mankind developed, or whether it’s purely cultural, but either way, in a world with birth control and advanced STD medicine, there’s no reason for anyone to impose limits on their partners. The reality is that trying to control someone’s emotions usually doesn’t work, and makes a lot of people unhappy. Research has shown that in over half of marriages (some research show this to actually be as high as 76%), one or both partners admit to cheating, and other surveys show that over 20% of Americans practice open relationships. This means that approximately 70% of Americans engage in romantic or sexual relationships with multiple partners, and out of the other 30%, many cheat without admitting it, and many others desire to have extra-marital relationships, but avoid it due to fear, inability (*) or pure fidelity. I estimate that if more people would have permission and ability, at least 90% would, and most of the rest may not initiate, but would participate if “hit” on by someone attractive.

* This could be due to being old, disabled, sick, isolated, introverted, antisocial, awkward or simply too repulsive to be able to
form a romantic relationship

The bottom line is that it’s hard to deny that we are a species that has evolved to have multiple partners, and monogamy is nothing more than an old-fashioned social practice that is useless, irrelevant and does nothing more than make people unhappy in this day and age. Hopefully, with the growth of Polyamory, we will soon reach a point where we can repeal the laws that restrict love (anti polygamy laws) and that the repressive cultural and media bias against open relationships will find its place with other shameful things like homophobia, xenophobia and antisemitism.

Doctor Doom

When discussing polyamory, it seems a common thing a lot of people think is that all polyamorous relationships are “doomed to fail”. Are they really?

Let’s start by defining what is a failure. Probably most people will agree that a relationship that ends within a few weeks is a failure. That’s simple. What if the relationships lasts 30 years? According to the rules of monogamy, as explicitly stated in various marriage ceremonies and vows, a relationship is “till death do us part”. This suggests that even if a couple is married for 40 years and divorces at age 60, that relationship is a failure. If that’s what you believe, then I would have to agree that the majority of relationships are doomed to fail…but that would apply to ALL relationships. As is well known, many marriages end in divorce (*), but if you count relationships that don’t end up in marriage (research suggests men have an average of 6 relationships and women 5 before they get married), the reality is that at least 90% of monogamous relationships don’t last forever. If you consider the number of relationships that don’t dissolve but still have other major failures, such as cases where one or both partners cheat on each other, and cases where the couple avoids divorce for some technical reason and remain “together” but either without love, sex or both, then the number is probably much higher.

I think a more realistic way to consider success or failure is using a range of 3-4 years, and that would apply not just to the length of a marriage, but rather to the length of the entire relationship, from dating to separation or divorce. Indeed, many polyamorous don’t last that long. Many dissolve or fizzle out after a few months or a year, but many of them go way father. While statistics aren’t available regarding averages, since polyamory research is in its infancy, I have personally met dozens of people who have enjoyed long-term poly relationships. Some have been in them for a decade or even more. Ultimately, polyamory is not magic…people are flawed and make mistakes, and the same challenges that cause some people to be lousy at monogamous relationships can make them louse at poly. However, polyamory does offer a much more flexible and laid-back framework for relationships, which can alleviate some of the stress-factors that make long-term monogamous life difficult. For example, polyamorous couples often times don’t co-habitate, and cohabitation is a major stress factor. By not being ‘required’ to live together, many relationships are more natural and healthy. Based on my own experience and evidence, I believe the actual success/failure rates of polyamorous relationships is quite similar to that of monogamous relationships, but I also see much more happiness and sense of completeness within poly couples.

The bottom line is that truly, most relationships, monogamous or polyamorous, are doomed to fail. Most of us are aware that any relationship we enter may not work out, but we still do it, because as the old quote from Alfred Lord Tennyson goes "'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”. Many of the things we do won’t last forever, and that in itself is no reason to avoid them. Would you not take a job just because you could get fired? Would you avoid buying a house just because you might someday be unable to afford it, or want something better? Of course not. Love and relationships are a journey to be enjoyed, not a target to be conquered, and a polyamorous relationship, whether it last a year or a decade could be a tremendous adventure! Try one today!