Show your stuff

Some people have seen me walking around wearing shirts carrying this logo:



Many assume it's the logo of some computer product, as I work in Tech, but now. This is known as the BDSM Triskelion. A triskelion is triple spiral shape that has rotational symmetry, and there are many variations to it, used all over the world. The specific version used in my banner has been associated with the BDSM community, and is a combination of the spiral and the Yin-Yang symbol. This exemplifies the 3 main parts of BDSM culture – BD, DS and SM (Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism) and how they mesh as part of our lifestyle.

The BDSM Triskelion and designs that are derived from it are featured prominently on many BDSM items, as well as into logos and flags of BDSM related businesses and organizations. However, most of the population isn’t aware of that connotation, which makes it a pretty good way to signal to others that you are part of the lifestyle. That could be in the form of the symbol printed on a shirt or other clothing item, or etched on a piece of jewelry, for example.

Personally, I like to wear the symbol on a ring, which I had custom-made for me by Tim, a merchant on Etsy. I had Tim etch the Triskelion in white on a black ring, and it’s nice because while at work, I can rotate the ring to have the symbol inwards, and rotate it out when going out in public. Another item I had custom made is a T-shirt with the symbol printed, which I got for about $12 (inc. shipping) from an eBay seller by searching for “custom t-shirt”. I provided the Triskelion image in PNG form and got the shirt pretty quick.

Another identification system common both in BDSM as well as in the LGBTQ community and sex-positive community is the Handkerchief code. The hanky code consists of placing a colored handkerchief, or multiple handkerchiefs in one’s back-pockets (although they can also be worn in other places, such as one’s wrists). For example, wearing a black hanky indicates the wearer is into BDSM, while a grey one indicates the wearer is interested in bondage. Other than the color, the placement of the hanky is also key for one’s disposition, where the left side of the body indicates you are a “top”, and the right side is the opposite.

Hanky code has been around for many years, and over time, evolved from a handful of simple colors to a huge list of options and variations. For example, a yellow hanky with white stripes indicates the wearer is attracted to an oriental/Asian partner. The extended list even includes extra items, such as using a Teddy bear to indicate one is into cuddling. Naturally, many don’t know the whole list by-heart, and some colors or combos aren’t universally agreed-upon in the community, so this system isn’t without faults. However, it has served us well for many years. One of the more extensive list can be found here.

See you on the streets!

Leather for floggers and other BDSM gear

Back in February, I talked about making your own floggers. If you want to make floggers and other BDSM gear from leather, you might be wondering how to cut some of the costs, as genuine leather can cost a pretty penny. Even a basic piece of cowhide can easily cost over $100, and even if you are good enough to make two floggers out of it…it’s still a pretty penny. However, there are many ways to cut costs.

1^st, consider using an alternative material. For example, upholstery-class vinyl or pleather can simulate the feeling of real leather very well, and cost only a fraction. In fact, if you don’t care much about color, you can probably find a piece in the scrap pile of your local Jo-Ann store for less than $5 (vs $10-15 for a new piece).

Another alternative is to buy your leather online, or from the scrap-bin of your local leather shop. The former may be difficult, as it’s hard to know from an online photo how the leather feels, but one thing to keep in mind is the leather weight. This is a number range that signifies how much 1 square foot of the leather weighs. Regular floggers are made from leather that weighs 1-2 ounces per square foot (designated as 1-2oz leather), and heavy floggers are from 2-3oz leather. Upholstery vinyl, BTW, also weighs 2-3 Oz per square foot. If you want to cut costs even further, look for pieces of leather that aren’t full. For example, a piece that’s about 10” wide is not very useful to most people, so if you find one for sale, it’s probably going to be very cheap. Since you’re cutting ½” wide tassels, the width of the piece is hardly a problem for you anyway.

Finally, if you want to cut costs even further, your next bet is buying used leather garments at your local thrift store. You can find plenty of leather coats at Goodwill or Value Village for $10-15, and you can cut enough leather strips from such a coat for at least 2 floggers. DO make sure you’re buying a long coat, because you’d want your tassels to be around 16-20” long. The problem with coats is that they use 1-2oz leather, which won’t yield a very heavy flogger. If you want thicker leather, you can try to look for leather suitcases, or even old couches. If you have a branch of Goodwill Outlet nearby, you can probably score a super cheap leather couch, and it should yield a huge amount of leather, for only a few dollars (all that assumes you have a way to actually pickup that couch and get it home).

See you on the rack!

Bag of all tricks

If being a BDSM top is your thing, you might have already obtained your first flogger, cane, whip or similar instrument. However, as your new hobby develops and grows, you might quickly find yourself having a sizeable collection of tools, and this begs the question…where are you going to put them?

Obviously, there’s no shortage of bags, suitcases and other storage solutions on the market. But finding one that’s really optimal for this sort of thing isn’t that easy. Ultimately, any bag will do the job, but if you just use some random gym bag or kit bag, it might make it difficult to pull out the tools when going into a scene, or make it difficult to re-organize it afterwards. The good news is that there are several solutions on the market that could be ideal for this sort of thing, and the better news is that these don’t have to cost a fortune!

My ideal storage solution for my tools is an aluminum case, because they are fairly light, affordable, and protect the content very well. There are plenty of such cases available, both online and in stores, and they come in many sizes and styles. One case I really liked was at Harbor Freight tools, and I liked it as it’s quite large and not very expensive (30$ if you use one of their 25% off coupons), and also offers a built-in combination lock, which would be helpful if you have kids running around where the bag is. Another solution I really liked is this set from Amazon. This is actually a BBQ set of tools, that come in an aluminum case and costs $30. The idea is to dump the original grilling tools (or just put them somewhere else) and use the loops that are installed in the case to store your BDSM tools. The case is 17.7” by 9.4” by 3”, which accommodates a sizeable selection of tools, and is very easy to carry. It is also fairly impressive-looking.

If you are a fan of floggers, dragon-tails, whips and other tools that are much longer than 18”, you might consider getting a Microphone-stand case. For example, this one is 32” long, which is suitable for holding most long tools without folding. It’s 5”x5” in width and height, so you will be able to fit 3-5 items in there easily. Need more space? This item offers several sizes up to 58x10x5, all for less than $30. One thing to note about this type of bag is that they are usually soft, so if you are storing mostly soft items like floggers, you should cut a piece of plywood and put it in the case to give it a ‘spine’ and make it easier to carry.

If you’d rather not spend so much, then Goodwill and other thrift stores come to mine. Most of the items you would find there aren’t in very good condition, and it’s unlikely that you’ll find exactly what you want there. However, what’s very easy to find at thrift stores are golf bags, and those are often very suitable for BDSM equipment (the challenge might be cleaning out the bag properly). You can also find plenty of aluminum cases, and even if you find one that doesn’t have any built-in loops for storing tools (or if they don’t fit well), you could easily add them by purchasing Velcro cable ties such as these, and just glue them to the case’s surface. Put some contact-glue in the middle of the Velcro tie, and once that’s hardened, you can use it to fasten anything to-place.

If all the above aren’t just quite right, and you have a good budget, I would also suggest visiting sports equipment stores, and music stores. Both sell many types of equipment that requires storage (such as Baseball bats and large musical instruments) and will thus offer a selection of storage bags and cases. The prices might be exorbitant, but you’ll probably not find anything quite as high-quality and stylish otherwise!

See you at the store!

DIY Dildo

While sex toys are not expensive, many people dream of being able to customize a Dildo to their own shape and size. This isn’t just a dream, though…I'm here to tell you that you can create a dildo from scratch right at home, and it's not very difficult!

No, you don’t have to build a silicone-casting plant for this, and a suitable material is simple…dough! Using a flour and salt mixture, you can create dough that will allow you to shape your own dildo, bake it to solidify it, and finally, coat it with varnish to make it durable.

Materials you will need:

·         5 oz High-protein flour

·         5 oz salt

·         4 oz warm water

·         Varnish

·         Wood skewers

·         Scotch tape

·         Optional: food coloring

Material Notes:

Start by mixing the food coloring with the water. Coloring is not required, but a colorful dildo looks much nicer than a white one.

High-protein flour is flour with 4-5 grams of protein per serving compared to only 2-3 in regular flour. The reason for using this, specifically, is because it makes for sturdier dough. If you use regular flour, the dough will be quite soft, and will collapse under its own weight.

The varnish will be used to create a glaze on the Dildo, so that it will be both smooth and waterproof (assuming you intend to wash it). For this reason, it's important to get varnish that’s “baby safe” so as to make sure you’re not putting poisonous chemicals into your body. Most products on the market are so, but if unsure, look for a label on the package, or ask the store attendant to help you pick one. 

Preparation:

Mix the salt and flour evenly, and add the warm water. Mix by hand or mixer, and try to achieve good consistency with no lumps.

Wrap the dough in Serene wrap, and place in the fridge for about an hour.

Warm your oven to 210 degrees (use convection bake mode, if your oven has it)

Take the dough out of the fridge, and use it to shape your dildo. You will find that the dough is not very solid, and tends to sag under its own weight. For this reason, you need to place the dildo on its base and not on its side during the baking process. When standing up, the dildo will also tend to sag to the side, so you need to insert a skewer through the dough, and attach it to a support frame from wood skewers and tape.

Put the dildo in the oven for 3.5 hours. Then, remove it from the oven and prick the base with a toothpick to confirm that it is solid and stable. If the toothpick goes in, or the dildo doesn’t feel solid, put it in for another hour and try again. Depending on your oven, you might need to try again a few times until all is good.

Once you are sure the Dildo is solid, let it cool, and then clip off the skewer(don’t try to pull it out). Now use sandpaper to sand both the tip and the entire body of the dildo it to perfect smoothness (unless, of course, you WANT it to hurt when you put it in…).

The final stage is coating the dildo with a few layers of varnish to seal it to (so it doesn’t fall apart when you use it or wash it). You can use spray varnish, but I recommend using liquid varnish, as it tends to form thicker layers, thus guaranteeing a better seal. 

Once the varnish has solidified, you can go ahead and party!

Another note on the varnish - keep in mind that it may or may not last forever, depending on your use. Certain use can cause the varnish to crack, leading to all sorts of nasty things growing in the cracks. I highly recommend inspecting the surface occasionally and looking for issues like cracks, discoloration, or changes in shape. If unsure, might be better to make a new one, or use yours with a condom. This is of particular importance if you are sharing your piece with others. 

Need for Needles

For most people, needles, syringes and shots are some of the scariest things on the planet, and many would do almost anything to avoid them (including neglecting their health or teeth to the point of serious risk to their life). For many BDSM practitioners, however, needles are delightful instruments of amusement. Are they insane?

Needles are a device designed to break the skin and pull or push liquids beneath it…and that usually hurts. For most people, avoiding pain is permanently on the “to do” list, but if you are a BDSM masochist, experiencing pain is pretty much routine. Receiving that pain from needles, then, is quite a logical leap, isn’t it? Indeed...though I have to admit that even within the BDSM community, most folks don’t like needles, and hardcore fans are fairly rare. But what is it that draws people to needles?

Well, for most people, dealing with needles is unavoidable at some point. We need to get our vaccination shots, we need to have our blood drawn for testing, and when undergoing painful medical procedures, we sure as hell want to get proper anesthesia (usually via a shot or IV). Those experiences typically start with childhood, where the needles seem larger, and where we have little control over when and where do we get poked and prodded. As a result, most of us reach adulthood with a crippling fear of needles, even though compared to other forms of pain administered as part of BDSM scenes, needles don’t really hurt a lot.

When it comes to BDSM play, the major fear of needles is often time the motivation for playing with them, as the fear triggers the endorphin release that is what BDSM is mostly about. For others, there is the pain itself, but also the coolness factor of being able to show off to others how you handled what’s perceived to be so scary, and how awesome it looks (needles are often-times placed in the skin in nicely organized rows or circles). Another thing that’s unique to needles is that once they have been placed, there’s a special sensation to caressing them with a finger. That motion moves the skin and ‘rattles’ the nerves in a way that’s not quite painful, but very interesting and unique.

Is that for everyone? Certainly not. Playing with needles requires a lot of knowledge and experience about anatomy, so as to avoid puncturing an artery by mistake (this could lead to excessive bleeding that may be hard to control). It also requires care when inserting and removing the needles so as to avoid infection. Thirdly, the needle top needs to be careful not to accidentally stab him or herself, as that would be not only unpleasant, but also risks getting infected by bacteria or virus carried by the bottom. If you have an interest in being a needle bottom, I’d advise discussing this with tops that frequent your local dungeon, and negotiating carefully with them. Make sure whoever it is has enough understanding of this unique expertise, and experience applying it. The top would also need to be an expert with after-care, as Needle play can trigger the most extreme endorphin release, which can be accompanied by just-as-extreme crash afterwards. Find the right top, and needles could be a great gateway to heaven for you too!

See you on the operating table!

Planned scenes vs pickup-play

Many people who are new to the world of BDSM get the impression that BDSM clubs are like dance-clubs, where you can just walk-in and "hit" on a person at random to get some kink on. While I can't say this never happens, the reality is that BDSM play is usually something most people prefer to plan carefully in advance. Ad-hoc scenes, also known as "pickup play", happen, but not very often.

The thing is, a BDSM scene typically requires some planning, so most of them are planned days or even weeks in advance, and are done between tops and bottoms that already have established some level of relationship already. There are folks who are OK (or even prefer) with pickup play, but those may not be easy to find, and frankly, I don't really recommend it.

One challenge with pick-up play is the fact that it can be dangerous. In another post I discussed some of the health-related challenged with BDSM play, and the problem with pick-up play is that it may not leave enough time for the players to properly get acquainted and negotiate the content of the scene thoroughly enough.

My advice for newbies is to adjust your own level of expectation. You might be lucky enough to run into another willing pick-up player, but you shouldn't expect to. Instead, focus on building relationships and a solid network of friends. Introduce yourself to people, spend time talking to them and understanding who and what they are, connect on FetLife, and most important - be patient. Once you have built yourself a reputation and have people who are glad to see you at your local dungeon, that's where you can start negotiating scenes. Even then, be prepared that many tops are in high-demand, and may take a while to find an available date and time to do a scene. Consider the fact that even though the actual scene may take only 30-60 minutes, there's a lot of preparation for the top, as well as a cleanup routine that also takes a while. As a result, most tops won't commit to more than two scenes in a single night, and many won't commit to more than one. Keep in mind, though, that good things are worth waiting for, and busy tops are usually the better ones, meaning you will have a better experience.

See you at the dungeon!

Healthy BDSM

I like to say "Violence is not the answer...unless I am the one asking the question". Indeed, whatever your thoughts are about BDSM, there's no denying that it is, in fact, violent, and involves causing some level of physical harm to another human being. However, most BDSM bottoms do prefer to survive the experience, and their tops also prefer to have living subjects rather than dead ones. Here are a few thoughts and ideas about keeping it safe.

The foundation for any BDSM play is consent, of course, but consent can be a bit more complicated than just saying yes or no. One challenge with consent is the fact that during a BDSM scene, the bottom may be flooded with hormones (endorphins, adrenaline etc), which could affect their judgement. It's not uncommon for a bottom to feel a need for more, or to go further in the scene than originally planned, but in that situation, the bottom may be 'legally' impaired (as in, their ability to make rational decisions may be equal or lesser than that of a person who is drunk). For this reason, it is very important for the top and bottom to agree beforehand what the scene will involve, how far it will go, and stick to that plan no matter what. As tempting as it may be for both to go further/deeper/harder, it could lead to regrets, and even a breakdown of the relationship. For example, during the height of the scene, the bottom may ask to be flogged in an area of the body which would leave visible bruising that could cause problems in their non-BDSM relationships or at work.

If you are a new top or bottom, another thing that is important to keep in mind is that people react differently to physical force. First, there's the behavioral response. When hit, some people cry in pain, others just grunt, some giggle, and some just take it silently. With the latter two, it can be hard to gauge whether this calls for the top to proceed, or hold back. Some people instinctively cry "stop" or "more", when either can actually indicate the opposite….which is why the safe-word is such an important concept, as well as the pre-scene discussion and negotiation.

From a physical standpoint, the body's reaction can include reddening of the skin, bruising, and if one is hit hard enough, the skin could break and bleed. It's not unusual for a BDSM scene to include some bleeding, but that needs to be agreed upon in advance, and prepared-for. Preparation includes both sterilizing the top's tools to prevent infection, as well as covering the furniture with plastic or sheets to prevent them getting contaminated with blood. Also, if the scene is done at a non-private dungeon, some more extreme-play may be forbidden or require pre-approval of some sort.

Another physical aspect of this is understanding some basic anatomy. While it's fairly obvious that hitting someone's face, neck or head is dangerous, there are many areas on the body that require special attention. Two notable areas are the kidneys and the spine, both of which are very sensitive and should be avoided. Flogging and hitting is typically done on the thighs, upper-arms, scapulas, chest and buttocks. Areas that are sometimes hit, but need careful consideration are the genitals, breasts, nipples and abdomen. In addition, a pre-scene discussion should include the top questioning the bottom regarding certain medical conditions that could affect the scene. This could include Diabetes, Sciatica (and other back issues), heart condition, bleeding problems etc. In general, I would recommend any top ask their prospective bottoms about any and all medical conditions, and consider whether they could lead to a risk during the scene. For example, if the bottom has had an ulcer, then hitting their abdomen and chest should be avoided.

Ultimately, not everyone is a doctor (though incidentally, many in BDSM are medical practitioners) and one can't always predict or prevent problems. One way to improve your odds as a bottom is to have scenes only with experienced tops. As a top, studying anatomy could help, but you can also try to mentor under an experienced top, or with a very experienced bottom to learn your chops. Another way is to take things slow, and develop a good relationship with your top or bottom. Having such a foundation allows the top to 'sense' where their bottom is, and respond in the best possible way (whether that is to go further, or back). This also circles us back as to why pick-up play is less popular...it simply isn't as safe and pleasurable as planned scenes.

Play safe, and see you on the rack!