One of the most common tropes in dating is the notion of "wasting time". This would typically come about in the context of reviewing one's relationship, and usually expressed by women in relation to their boyfriend "popping up the question". This could come up, for example, if the relationship has been going-on for a certain period of time, but said boyfriend hasn't proposed to the girlfriend just yet. "Am I wasting my time with him?" the girl might wonder.
Naturally, this thought could occur to guys too, but in our society, male are still more dominant (or expected to be) in pursuing and advancing relationships, and so it's more common for the woman to wait for the man to escalate the relationship into marriage.
The trope of time-wasting is one that frustrates me to no end, because it's an embodiment of the biggest issue with many relationships in our society. The issue is that for many people, their romantic relationship is a GAME…a pre-conceived path from a beginning to an "end". The game starts when one finds a romantic interest, goes through a series of escalations (going out, dating, kissing, having sex, becoming exclusive, getting a key to his/her apartment, meeting the parents, moving-in together, making/getting a marriage proposal) and eventually reaching the "end" (marriage), following which you live happily ever-after.
In this game, most people are taught, you must play by certain rules. The stages must be in a specific order, and certain time periods must exist between each stage, and these must be no shorter than X and no longer than Y. In this game, most people are taught, you must overcome challenges by any means necessary, such as hiding key aspects of your personality to not scare the other person away. You must make efforts to keep yourself pretty, interesting, fun and attractive…. until you finally "win" the game and no longer have to suffer through these hardships. Once you finish the game and get to the END, you no longer have to be concerned because you WON…you have your marriage and can finally stop the chase and be who you really are. It's OK! So what if you're a controlling freak, or a messy hoarder…you are DONE because marriage is Eternal!
In this game, most people are taught, if the game is not winnable, then what's the point? If the other person won't allow you to win the game within the "normal" time-frame by committing to marriage, then they may NEVER do so. If the game is not winnable, then you must end the game and start a new one with someone else. In this game, we are taught, if you aren't playing to WIN, you are wasting your time!
Sarcasm aside, this process, which many of us find normal and natural, is actually the opposite. It's a romantic fabrication that's born out of laziness and insecurity, and it being "the way" is just a myth perpetuated by the media. The reality is that it's all based on deception (of self and others) and leads to countless failures of relationships. It often leads to more insecurity and even depression. In fact, the no. 1 cause for suicides in modern society is romantic issues and failures.
What is the right way, you ask? Simple! Forget about the game, the path and the destination. A relationship is a JOURNEY. It's an adventure you take with another person, during which you spend quality time together, enjoy each other's company, fall in love, engage in sex, and continue to do so for as long as both of you still want to. Sometimes, this adventure will last a few months, sometimes a year or two, and sometimes for the rest of your lives. However, if it's just a short-term relationship, this is by NO means a failure if you both enjoyed it. Relationships with romantic partners sometimes run their course, and there's nothing wrong with that. You can conclude one relationship and develop another one, or have several of them concurrently (polyamory). You can find and start new relationships at ANY age - even in your seventies (in fact, retirement homes are known to be some of the busiest places in the world, in terms of relationships and sex). If you think you don't have the energy for that, keep in mind that once you take the "game" element out of it and just enjoy the adventure, it removes most of the stress and effort related to the relationship, making it easy and fun. In fact, new relationships can cause a huge BOOST in one's energy (this is known as "NRE"…New Relationship Energy). They can literally make you feel like a young man or woman again, and it's one of the best feelings in the world.
Letting go of notions and habits that we spend decades believing can be hard, I know. I see a lot of people go through the anguish of dealing with relationship stresses, and as a younger man, I've gone through them a lot too. However, I've overcome these irrelevant tropes and misconceptions and I know for a fact that it is possible. I hope you give it a try and be on your path to open, loving and fun-filled adventures with your romantic partners!
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