Transparency matters

Those who know me know I'm an extremely transparent person (about myself, that is). I will answer any question about me, no matter how personal. I'll gladly talk about my feelings, sex, gender and anything else, if someone wants to, and without limits. I'll even tell you how much I make, and how much I have in the bank, if asked. Only exceptions are my passwords and a few small things tied to my security and safety.

Yesterday, someone asked me WHY I'm like that. There are several reasons. One is that I have no reason to hide anything. I'm happy and proud about most of what I've done and have, and I don't dodge responsibility for the things I'm not proud of. Secondly, transparency inspires TRUST, which is very important to me to both give and get. Third, I want everyone else to be transparent. I desire to have transparency from my friends, family, boss, colleagues, politicians and leaders, but before I can ask for it, I need to practice and demonstrate it myself (and by being transparent and successful, I show others that it can work). And the fourth reason: it's just so much simpler. Telling the truth and being transparent is the simplest, because Its much easier to remember.

A few people I know are the exact opposite. They only browse in "private" mode, avoid social media, never talk about anything personal and flaunt their secrecy as if it makes them better than everyone else. I know some folks who don't even tell their own wives or husbands how much money they make, or present themselves with a fake name. Naturally, it's their right to do so, but to be honest, none of them are particularly happy. Being so closed-up has left them with little to no friends, and most of them are in a nearly constant state of fear and stress (that someone will find out something about them). That's no way to live, I think. Human beings are social creatures. We need each other and we need human connection. Let's all just live honestly and transparently! 

The importance of branding

A friend of mine showed me a "business" card he had printed, which he can hand out at parties and events to connect with people. Naturally, he's not the first and I’ve done the same all the way back in 2016 (I called it my "pleasure" card). I was the first to do this in my community, I believe, but of course I didn’t invent business cards.

However, my friend elected to out his photo on it. I illustrated to him that while there is some value in people remembering how you look like; a card is more than a tool for sharing info. It is his brand; and an opportunity to show a piece of his personality. My card has a modern, "clean" graphic that also uses some negative-space elements, plus a joke, which all come together to tell a story and leave an impression (you can see it in my profile photos, if interested).

I'm not a pro designer, I should note, but I have acquired some skills and experience in that realm, enough to design stuff like that and to understand the notion and importance of branding. This is the difference between a $50 print job, which will likely not bring much return, vs a $300 design job, which is more likely to. Same applies to other things in life. One's choice of clothing, colors, conduct, language and even one's car and house.

I should add that not everyone needs branding or needs it all the time. If you’re a software engineer, it doesn’t matter much what your neighbors think of your brand, but at the office, it certainly can make a difference as advancement and promotions are considered. At places like Microsoft, Facebook and google, it matters less what you wear, but there are other aspects of branding. Are you on time? Are you trustworthy? Are you reliable? Are you open? Ethical? Organized? Realistic? All these come together to build your brand as someone who is "going places" or lesser so. If you don’t have a career or aspirations, none of this matters, but if you do, it could make a big difference between success and mediocrity. If you are a person who is less successful than you'd like, think about your brand and what you’ve done or haven’t done to build it. Ask a few friends what THEY see as your brand. Think about what things you can do to change or grow it. Might be something gimmicky like a catchphrase or a whimsical necktie, or maybe something more profound like regularly sharing pearls of wisdom or being more supportive than others. It’s never too late to become a better you.

I am imperfect

I’m weak.

The most powerful thing one can do is admitting one’s own faults.

I am weak, I'm afraid, I'm lazy, I'm bad. These are some of the things you'll rarely hear anyone say about themselves. We are all taught from early childhood to be strong, and never admit our weaknesses. But we all have them. Some of us base their decisions on fear. Some of us are greedy or lazy. Many of us steal and almost all of us lie regularly (according to research).

However, there are few things in life that are as powerful as admitting one's faults and weaknesses. When you share a weakness or vulnerability with someone else, you let them into your inner sanctum, which is one of the best and fastest ways to build trust. This builds trust because when you give someone something they can use against you, you are showing them you trust them, and most people will reciprocate the trust. Also, our secrets are our weak spot, because most of us fear these being exposed. But if we intentionally expose them, we take away their power. When everyone knows your secrets, they can't threaten or hurt you with exposing them. Instead of working to keep them a secret, and being afraid of being exposed, we can build trust and enjoy the strengths of having less (or no) fear.

Another aspect of this is that by being open and transparent about our less-savory part, we show others that we are just like them. Take me, for example: I’m somewhat successful and popular, but by admitting my faults, it shows people I’m not some arrogant prick hiding in the ivory tower. I have some stuff going for me, but I’m ultimately just like everyone else. A regular guy who cried in movies, eats too much crap, sometimes forget important stuff, and occasionally makes a mistake that hurts others. I try to be the best I can be, but I’m ultimately a flawed human being, just like all of us. I am not proud of my faults, and I’m even ashamed of some of them, but the values of transparency and personal-responsibility trump that. Hopefully, more people will learn to appreciate those values too, and make the world a better place for all of us.

Relationship waves

Most people think of romantic relationships as a LINE: You meet and start at a point, it goes on some trajectory (ideally, an upwards one) that ends of in a fairytale “happily ever after” marriage. Some relationships are on a downward trajectory, ending up in a breakup and “never want to see you again”. This depiction is usually taught to us from an early age by books, movies or other well-meaning people…but is it real?

I’m probably not the only or first one to come up with this, but in my opinion and experience, the above is fiction, and the real world doesn’t work that way. In a movie, which has to end at some point, people expect some kind of “closure”, and so it can end in bliss or tragedy, but some kind of end-point is pretty-much mandatory (there are quite a few movies that are open-ended, and that’s a valid artistic choice, though most people hate that). In real life, however, I like to think of relationship as a WAVE.

Relationships are like a wave in the sense that they can, and often do, go up and down, rather than in a fixed and predictable trajectory. That means that as you develop the relationship, it usually intensified, but at a certain point, it might become less intense. The reasons for that are many. It could be that after a certain period of getting to know each other, you know most there is to know and have already discussed much of what’s to discuss, and so the conversation is less interesting and/or new. Similarly, your intimate connection may have reached a peak and is plateauing. There could be other factors which are external, such as you or your partner facing some life challenge like illness, job loss, mental challenges like depression, difficulties in other relationships with their other partners (if you are not monogamous) or other people in their life.

Having one’s relationship decline is not pleasant, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. As I said, many of us are programmed to think that if the relationship is on a downward slope, it’s “done” and has to end, but that’s not true at all. Just like that at work, you might have a period where you’re less productive, but later become more so once you or your team is done clearing some obstacles, your romantic relationship can bounce back down the line. The low-point in the wave can be for weeks, months or sometimes even years, but if you are able to take a step-back and see it for what it is, things are a lot simpler and easier. For example, in a “down” period, your boyfriend and girlfriend might have other priorities and become less responsive, or their desire to see you declines to be less frequent (say, twice a month vs twice a week). That can trigger feeling of rejection or even depression, but just because their priorities changed doesn’t mean it’s your fault or that you’re no good. It may just mean that your life and energies are out of sync right now. I prefer to spend some time with a person I love, but in my book, I’d rather see them less, than not at all, so if that’s their current preference, I’ll take what I can get.

Naturally, in such a situation, you might need to adjust your own expectations and actions. If your significant other declines most requests to meet, or bails-out often, then after this goes on for some time (I typically give it at least a month before I start to evaluate things), it might be time to reevaluate your relationship. That might include pursuing them less (say, messaging them weekly instead of daily) and giving them the space they need to be happy. You might also consider how long of the downward slope you can be OK with. For some, six months or a year is OK, while others might blow-up after just a couple of weeks. If you’re in that situation, I’d like to encourage you to be patient. My own patience is for about 6 months, which could seem crazy to some folks, but many partners I had went through a tough or weird time and then “came back”, so this patience paid off.

Some would respond to this saying “But I’m worth more” or “I have better things to do than to wait around for him or her”. No doubt you are worth plenty, but that’s the wrong way to see it, and both these sentences are just a way to say “I don’t have the patience”…and you should, because your partner is ALSO worth it (well…I hope they are!). What I’m saying is that whatever they are going through might happen to you someday, and so giving them the space now might pay-off later when you yourself need the space. Besides, even being put on hold like that feels insulting or humiliating, it doesn’t have to. If you stop interpreting it that way, and just realize it’s DIFFERENT, not LOWER priority, it will help you move past it and enjoy other aspects or parts of the relationship.

And even if you are convinced that the slope means the relationship will never recover (which is possible), treating it like a change, rather than an ending, can result in a NEW relationship. You and him/her may not be viable as a romantic couple, but chances are that whatever brought you together is still there, and you might be perfect as party-partners, pot-pals or beach-buddies. Just like some relationships change from friendship to romantic, there’s no reason they cannot change back and be totally fun and viable. It’s just a matter of setting the right mind-set and expectations.

Another way to look at it is like planets. Each planet has a path in space, and that path gets it closer to others sometimes, but also can move it further at times…and then back closer later. If your lover is drifting away, think of them like a comet or satellite that’s far right now, but will come back sometime (some even use the term “comet” or “satellite” partners to describe some relationships) when it’s ready. If your mind is open to it, you can enjoy it when they are back, and I’ve seen quite a few cases when a relationship grew STRONGER, because the partner realized how wonderful their partner is for being patient and accommodating.

Leadership ethics

Being active in the poly community for several years, I have learned that some people find me attractive (and at least one told me I was absolutely and without a shadow of a doubt the most repulsive human in history, bar none). the former is a bit of a surprise as I always thought of myself as fairly average, and certainly not anything special. I'm not going to lie…it feels quite nice to be the subject of people's interest, but since I'm an event organizer, this can be a bit tricky.

As a host, I'm perceived as having a position of influence and power. It's not true - in reality, I don't actually have power of any kind (unless you consider laying down a kick-ass cheese and meat platter "power"), but the perception exists and with it, a burden. I've encountered several individuals who were evidently interested in me because they felt it would benefit them in some way, or that my non-existent "power" would somehow be shared with them. Naturally, that type of interest is not a foundation for a good or healthy relationship. Even if the motivation is not ulterior, I can't ignore the fact that some people treat leaders differently, which may motivate a person to engage in some activity with me because they think I want it, and putting their own will or preference aside. This represents an ethical conundrum, because for me, consent and agency are critical values and I want to be sure that whatever I do doesn't hurt someone, or that no one does something for the wrong reasons. If a person does something they wouldn't normally do, just to get close to me, or because they want to please me, that is a power-imbalance, which is unacceptable to me. Not only do I not want to control anyone, it's important to me that people in my life are as strong and independent as they can be. Naturally, this is even more critical if this pertains to anything sexual or romantic.

This isn't simple, because I can't read minds, and some queues are subtle. My approach is usually "better safe than sorry", and in case of doubt, stay back. In several years of running my events, this approach has served me well, but I've also had a few cases where a person was genuinely interested, but interpreted my caution as me being uninterested, or that it indicated they were flawed in some way. For me to be ethical, respectful and safe, I can't rely on subtle queues, gestures, hints or anything that is less than a clear and verbal message. This also ties to the verbal-consent model that I expect my members to follow at our cuddle events. I expect my guests to use verbal consent with each other so that there is no doubt or misunderstanding as to what a person meant. And most importantly: if you read this and took a liking to me, but I seem uninterested, try to not assume it's your fault or that I'm cold. Sometimes, that's part of the burden of being the host. I wish there was a simple, elegant and effective solution for this, but I don't believe one exists. Naturally, anyone is always free to speak their mind and be "straight" with me, but in reality, many people struggle with being so direct (especially here, in the Pacific Northwest). Our society has progressed significantly in that sense, but some people still have insecurities, or are just shy. This is just something we all have to figure out for ourselves.

A touch tells a story

Those familiar with the languages of love know that one of them is "words of affirmation". Saying "I love you" and similar verbal queues is a wonderful way to connect, but youch itself is also a love language.

"Physical touch" is indeed listed as a love language, but most people think of it terms of a hug, a kiss, a caress or a cuddle, but it's much more than that. Our skin is the largest organ in our bodies, and that gives us a surface of 16-22 square feet on which we can feel touch. We can feel touch, movement, pressure, heat, cold, and even moisture (as well as secondary feelings from touching our hair). This give us the ability to really tell a story with our touch. A gentle caress up one's neckline, behind the ears and on the back of the neck, followed by a firm grasp pulling them towards you can send as powerful a message as anything you might say, and be loving, sensual and passionate much more than words can say.

I touch a lot. As an avid cuddler, and group-cuddling organizer, I do more touch than most folks. Often times, I find myself relying on my fingertips to say what I feel. Sometimes, it's a good way to convey my emotions to someone I have a relationship-with, when words just can't cut it. Sometimes, my touch complements what i'm saying. It also connects us in ways that words cannot, because even the most beautiful and articulated sentiment is just a few seconds long, while a touch can last for hours.

We all need more touch!

Tips and thoughts for a successful online profile for our community

As I discussed last week, one's profile on FetLife is important, as it's often the 1st, and sometimes the only impression it makes on potential new friends, play-partners and romantic interests. You can also think of it as your Resume or business-card, if you will.

Since many people as me for guidance on creating a good profile, I’m putting some ideas and thoughts here. These should not be treated as "rules", but rather a path. No two people are the same, and so no two profiles should be.

One thing to keep in mind is that just like Resume's, people can put whatever they like on their profiles, and we have bad elements who deceive and lie. This has made many people weary and suspicious of profiles. I myself, when I vet individuals, I look at a lot more than the profile, of course, and it's quite time-consuming, but it's a small price to pay for building a safe community, spaces and events. Following some of the thoughts here can help you build a profile that inspires trust and respect, and can help integrate into our community better. Another way to think about is that a profile isn’t only about what it HAS, but also about what it doesn’t have. In other words, a thin or blank profile, to most people, indicate carelessness or laziness, neither of which are respected qualities of a person.

The main thing to remember is that a profile is more than a sum of its parts. A profile tells a story, and the more complete it is, the better the story, and the more likely that others will like it, and like the author. That means that writing 10 pages for your welcome text is great, but if everything else is blank, then it’s still an incomplete story. On a related note, it’s also important to remember most people don’t go on a profile to get a PHD, so content beyond a certain amount become useless, and at some point, might convey an impression or self-indulgence or even ego-mania (talking to you, Mr. “longestcockever” with 1,614 profile pics of your junk).

So, here are my recommendations. Once again, these are not rules (not that I’m anyone to GIVE rules to anyone else)…just what I think is a good framework:

I would recommend at least 2-3 paragraphs of text. One about "who" you are...what kind of person you are. A second about your fetish/kink/sex (what you’re looking for, what you like, a word about what you’ve done, etc.). More is better, as long as you don't go into over-indulgence fever.

When writing, do not go overboard with the styling (font sizes, emphasis, etc.). It’s considered childish and tacky (like having a PowerPoint deck with a lot of effects)

Upload at least a dozen photos, but here too don't go crazy. They don't all have to be of you, though at least ¼ should be. If you don’t want to show your face, then I'd recommend at least a full body shot (with the face either cropped-out or blurry). Other photos people upload are about who/what they are, such as a pic of a place they’ve been or love, art piece they made or like, a meme or caricature that means something to them. There are really endless options.

Do not, under any circumstances, set your main profile picture to be a dick-pic. This is universally agreed as a clear indicator of a negative person.

Explore Fetlife’s groups, and find groups with topics of interest. That could be regional groups pertaining to your specific area or neighborhood, hobby groups about your personal job or business, and, of course, groups related to your kinks. Here too, it’s good to keep it balanced. If you are on 68 “biggest tits ever” groups, people might think that’s the only thing you’re about

The FetLife profile page has a place where you can list specific kinks and fetishes. While you could simply write that in your into text, this section makes it easy to choose ones from a “catalog”, and is more visible on your profile. It’s a better way.

Add friends. This can be a challenge if you’re new to the community, because “adding” someone unless you actually have a connection with them is rude. However, you can “follow” people you have seen at events, as well as people who might be well-known or influential in the community. As you attend events (whether in-person or online), you will meet new people and get to know and add them. At community events, it’s very normal for people to share their FetLife, and this is a good place to remind you of the importance of a good name. “Dan1973” is about as uninspired as they come, for example. Try to pick a name that’s fun, funny, meaningful and easy to remember and spell (as opposed to a lot of dashes, repeating letters or weird spelling). Some people (like me) even get business-cards with their Fetlife alias, so they can hand them out at events. There are free card-printing services, but I feel that spending $25 on a box of cards is a pretty good investment, as it would get you about 250 of them, which would last months of frequent activity. My go-to provider is 3dayprintclub.com

Finally, WRITE. Just like this article, which you just read, sharing thoughts, ideas, info and tips with others is a good way to show your colors. Take the time to use a spell and style checker and try to come up with fun or useful stuff a few times a month. This goes a long way.