As an American and Sex-positive person, a topic I ran across
often is that of LOVE. In the Vanilla world, most people have many hang-ups on
love, which often leads to problems. For example, people who begin a romantic
relationship develop love to their partner at some point, but are often afraid
to say it, because many think there should be a certain period of time before
love can happen. Due to this “warming period”, many fear that if they say it
too early, their partner would freak-out and potentially break-up with them.
Another concern is the mutual aspect of love…what if I say it, but my partner
isn’t ready to? What if my partner says it but I don’t feel that way just yet?
One of the reasons this type of fear and resulting paralysis
exists is due to the link between love and marriage that is the staple of
Monogamy. For many (maybe even most) people who are monogamous, you only love
someone that is your permanent partner, and if you are not SURE that the
relationship is forever, you shouldn’t feel it, let-alone SAY it.
Another aspect of this is the fact that the word love is way
too small to describe the huge range, scope, depth and types of emotions we
actually feel. You use the same word to describe your excitement about
pepperoni pizza and your affection towards a person you might spend the rest of
your life with, and that leads to a lot of confusion and concern. When I say “I
love you”, does that mean that I just feel good being with you, or does it mean
that I want to spend the rest of my life with you? And if I’m unsure…should I
still say it?
In the sex-positive world, however, things are often-times different.
Generally speaking, we avoid living our lives and doing things based on
arbitrary rules set by society. We sometimes have sex before the 3rd
date, we sometimes become boyfriend/girlfriend with someone even though we have
other relationships, and yes…we feel love and express it as early as we want,
rather than avoiding the word until it is “appropriate”. Similarly, we don’t
lose our shit if someone says it after only knowing us for a relatively-short
period of time. While saying “I love you” after knowing a person for 10 minutes
is still a bit extreme, we also recognize that it’s possible to get to know a
person enough to love them after a few days, or even hours. We also know that
there’s nothing wrong with feeling it for a partner when they take longer to
feel that way.
If you are reading this looking for advice on breaching that
topic with your partner, I’m not sure I have a clear one-for-all answer, but
the key to this, like any other relationship matter, is communication. Rather
than dance-around the subject out of fear of rejection, open a conversation on
the topic of “what is love”, to try to understand how your partner defines it.
You can ask questions like “how long do you think it could or should take for
someone to feel love towards someone else” or “with your previous partners, how
long was it until you felt you loved them”. You can also suggest to your
partner to read this very article. Ultimately, I can’t predict how things would
go, but it’s important to keep in mind that emotional maturity, which typically
includes the ability to understand and express one’s emotions better and
clearer, is very important for a successful relationships. If your partner or
yourself are struggling with these topics, I would strongly advise working on
them, both individually and as a couple, so that decisions and actions either
of you take come from the best place (as in, from love, rather than fear).
