The secrets of Fellatio

Earlier, I published some writing about being a better lover, focusing on doing so with women. I’ve since discussed the topic with numerous individuals, both men and women, who were interested in what I had to suggest regarding pleasing men, so here it is. Surprisingly…or maybe not so much so, it shares several points with the female version.

Naturally, I must preface this by reminding everyone that men, just like women, are like snowflakes. We are all different, and there’s no single thing or technique that will score every time. Some men are so easy to please that they can be brought to orgasm in under 10 seconds (I’ve been there myself quite a few times), and some have had so much sex that even an hour of intense cock-sucking won’t get them there. There are, however, a few concepts and ideas that might help achieve better results. I should also take this opportunity to point out that while the majority of people desire stronger orgasms, speed is not always a goal. Some prefer to take longer, because a long build-up of sexual tension (or frustration) can lead to stronger climax. On the other hand, many people prefer to spend less time pleasing their partner and so making their men cum faster would certainly be a goal. Most of this is written with the perspective of a female providing pleasure to a male, and this is not to ignore homosexual activity (which I myself do sometimes, being Pan-sexual), but rather for convenience of language.

Generally, women pleasing men means FELLATIO. To be honest…I personally disagree with this, because I think a MUCH better job can be done with the hands. While no doubt the mouth and tongue are naturally wet and soft, somewhat similarly to the vagina, the truth of the matter is that the hands are much better equipped for this. There are more muscles, more dexterity, and with some lubrication, they can be just as soft and wet. I’ve seen numerous individuals do wonders with their fingers, and when done right, has always worked much better on me than any oral (and benefit for the other person: it eliminates that situation of dealing with the ejaculate, which many people don’t like). However, our culture has acclimated many men to expect or even demand fellatio as the primary way to achieve sexual gratification, and nothing I write will change that. So let’s talk about doing that as best as possible.

The first thing, which also applies to cunnilingus is to LISTEN. This means both listening to what your man has to say (what he likes, what he doesn’t like) and the kind of sounds he makes. Many men are “trained” to be fairly quiet and give almost no clue to what they’re experiencing, and that makes it challenging to know if you’re being effective. In that case, listening to their breathing, and micro-sounds they make (like the sounds you might hear as they move their lips, arms or even fingers around) can give a good clue. It’s tempting to look closely at the man in hopes of getting facial cues, but keep in mind that people can feel it when they are being watched, and that could make them self-conscious and make it difficult to climax. If you’re relying on subtle auditory cues, then it’s better to avoid trying to do this with background music, even though some people like to have music playing during sex.

The reason so many men are dead-quiet is because virtually all men’s first sexual experience is masturbation, often for many years before they get to have sex with another person. Masturbation, as lovely and healthy as it is, is still a source of shame to many, even if they don’t come from religious upbringing. As a result, many men train themselves to do it as quietly as they can, to reduce the chance of someone knowing about it (like their parents or siblings). This is also why being watched or possibly watched makes it difficult, and sometimes even mundane background sounds can “kill” the mood. This is also why many people like to put on music, as it can drown out the noises that could make them jumpy.

The second thing is Points of Stimulation (POS). While fellatio itself is, of course, only about the mouth, the reality is that many things play a part in arousal, and a smart person uses this to their advantage. I already mentioned the hands, and since we have 2 of them, with 5 fingers each, they can be used for at least 2 other POS. That could be the man’s nipples, if they are an erogenous zone (some men are susceptible, some lesser so or none at all). This could include a finger near or through the anus, or on the prostate, if the man is comfortable taking that sort of action. Even a gentle caress by both hands in a seemingly non-erogenous zone can enhance stimulation. For example, a gentle caress on the feet or around the ears can do wonders. If trying that, keep in mind that a KEY element is symmetry – doing the same motion with both hands on both sides of the body. It might seem silly, but try it and see for yourself. For some reason, caressing both sides simultaneously (and in the same direction, speed, pressure, etc.) is more please than one side by a huge factor (not by x2, but by x10!). There’s something about that overload of sensory input that can make a good orgasm EXPLOSIVE.

Other points of stimulation are simply by your own presence. The mere presence of you near your man is arousing, so use that and be close (as opposed to just leaning towards his cock or hovering over it). The level of closeness should be confirmed with him as it could make a difference. If it’s so close that the man cannot move, that could detract from the pleasure for some. Yet others might get a kinky-arousal from being held-down. I myself, for example, get high arousal when my lover is “holding me down” by sitting on my face, but on the other hand, if my feet are held down, I may not be able to climax for a long time. A wonderful position for that is 69 (even if he doesn’t use that opportunity to give you pleasure too) as it gives full body contact, and can be very stimulating for a guy, to have the pussy all up in his face. Another POS is your warmth, so making sure it feels warm is a good step in the right direction (or at least avoiding being too cold). Scent is yet another factor. Using the right perfume can add a lot of excitement. Your voice is another instrument, and using sexy sounds or words can add another dimension. For those wanting to nit-pick this article, I’ll repeat once more that the above notions only apply to MOST men, and for anything, there are going to be people out there who are unaffected-by, or even repulsed. This is why above all else, listening is key. Something that isn’t precisely a POS, but can enhance sensation is stretching the penis skin by gently tugging on it or on the testicles. When the skin is lightly stretched, it exposes more nerves to touch.

Naturally, you won’t always use any or all of the POS, but varying them every time can provide so much oomph into your love life. If you are a mistress of skills and can pull-off all of them at once, your name will probably go down in the anals of men-kind. Yeah, I know; I said anals, not annals. Deal with it. Some might even go further and set up a threesome, where you and another person could “share the load” and double the POS quotient for a super intense experience.

Another practical tip is to remember that the “hot” spot on the penis is its bottom, while the top part, with most men, is too sensitive, and can make a man “jump” instead of causing arousal. This can be a tricky part of the 69 position, because that position places your tongue on the top of the penis, so just remember to be gentle and not press hard on the skin with your tongue. If the man is in a standing or sitting position, a nice little perk is holding his ass-cheeks and pulling him towards you, which many men enjoy a lot.

In their quest to be a better lover, I often see people develop or practice various “tricks”, such as the popular deep-throating, delivering extreme suction, or going up-and-down the penis shaft at ultrasonic speeds. While hearing a woman gag or throw-up is certainly a kink for some folks, and others aspire to re-enact scenes of extreme skill they’ve seen in porn, the reality is all this effort is wasted on many men, and sometimes can even be detrimental. The Penis is gentle and going at it too fast or hard on it can bruise it and not only prevent an orgasm, it can even take your man out of commission for a few days. My advice is to avoid turning your fellatio into a Cirque du Soleil act, unless you have a strong reason to believe that’s what your guy wants. While some men certainly prefer faster over slower movement, do keep in mind that consistency is very important to most men, so try to keep a steady pace.

And a final point about this: all good things cum to an end, and that’s a bit risky for several reasons. One is that you should have a clear plan on how you handle the inevitable release of fluid. I’m not going to say it’s Champagne, but for the most part, it doesn’t taste too bad and I would advise to try to master swallowing, as any other option could be detrimental to the guy’s orgasm. If your man’s product is foul, there are numerous dietary changes that could help, and I’m certain most men will be happy to consider them for better sex. Try to work with your man for him to give some kind of signal that he’s about to cum, whether it’s a gesture, a word, or even a sound. Being ready for that squirt can help reduce the risk of choking on it, which is very unpleasant (especially if goes up your nose). Some men can’t do it reliably, but if you observe and listen, you’ll notice a repeating pattern (many tense or arch their body and raise their butt in the final seconds) and learn it. Regardless, keep in mind that the penis becomes VERY sensitive right after orgasm, so be mindful and stop once you feel the final “rope” (orgasmic convulsions). Some men become so sensitive it’s best to literally pull away, while others might enjoy a few more seconds of keeping your mouth very lightly on the penis. Also, while most women want a solid cuddle after they climax, many men prefer a bit of distance, so talk to him about it, and respect his wishes even if you yourself feel super clingy.

Well, this is it….fellatio 101. But before I depart, I would like to suggest once more, both for men and women, to fully explore your hands as a default ahead of fellatio. We have 34 muscles in each palm and fingers, and about 30 square inches of surface combined. This allows SO much stimulation! Not just the top half of the penis, which is what most mouths can contain, but most of the penis shaft with one hand, and the testicles and perineum with the other (maybe even the rectum, with some practice). Some people need lube for this (ideally, warmed up to about 90 degrees, and you can even buy products that dispense warm lube straight into your hand), while many have spit that is naturally viscous. If your guy is willing and able, ask them to show you how THEY masturbate, and learn from it. Even if they are too self-conscious to climax with you watching, even a careful observation for a few seconds can give you a good idea of the kind of speed, contact points and pressure that they need (they have probably honed their masturbation skills for years or decades, so learn from “the master”), and then ramp it up with some additional POS I suggested earlier. Bonus points can be obtained from doing this in the shower, which ads warmth to all of it, and the ability to ejaculate without worrying about a mess can be very freeing. In the shower, you can also use soap or shampoo as a lube, which can deliver an exceptionally slippery-wet feeling.

Hopefully, some people will find this information and ideas helpful, and it will allow anyone to become a master in male gratification.

Being a better lover

I’ve been on the fence about publishing this ever since I wrote it, almost two years ago. Over the years, I’ve heard over and over, from many women I’ve been with, that I was a very good lover, and some have even given higher praise. Many have asked me for my guidance, thoughts or tips. However, I realize how arrogant and off-putting it is when a CIS man comes out publicly like this in what can be perceived as “touting my own horn”. I realize that many women who might read this might think negatively of me, and I’m publishing this at the risk of being shunned by many, so I’ll be brutally honest and transparent: I do NOT have a big dick, I do NOT “get laid” a lot and when I do have penetrative sex, I do NOT last for hours. In the realm of “fucking”, I’m probably below-average, and in fact, this is the main reason I worked hard on developing the skills I do have, which I will discuss here. The reason I’m publishing this is because as a leader in the community, I see a lot of people who, inspired by porn, think the only or best way to be a good lover is to grow the longest penis possible, or train themselves to be able to go in-and-out for hours without finishing (this is why penis-pumps, delay-sprays and “big erection” pills top the sale charts for men still today). And I also have to say, of course, that some of these men are right: some women do only care about those two things (deeper and longer penetration). However, for the majority of men and women, here are my tips and ideas on being the best lover one can be (in the physical sense at least; I will explore other aspects another time).

The short answer is CUNNILINGUS. I’ve learned early on (age 23, 25 years ago) that the vast majority of women cannot climax from penetration (or penetration alone at least), no matter how well you do it or what equipment you carry. Most of them enjoy it, but THE main female sexual organ is the clitoris, and paying the right attention to it is key. Famed comedians Key & Peele discussed it in their sketch “Cunnilingus Class”, and while it is made to be funny, it is also quite on-point and covers a lot of ground in only 3 minutes, so if time is of the essence, go check it out (YouTube). Cunnilingus shouldn’t be an after-thought, an appetizer, foreplay or a quick treat. It is the main course and should be something every human being should practice to perfection. Cunnilingus should be “on the table” every time, even during the menstrual period (even on day-1!). Yeah, I know it doesn’t always smell great, but men’s groins aren’t a bed of roses either, yet most men expect to get oral anyway. As I often say ‘If you can’t take her onions, you don’t deserve her honey’.

And the longer answer:

The 1st notion is to start BEFORE you start. I’m certainly not the 1st to note the significance of foreplay, but make no mistake about it: it’s not optional, and for most women, it’s much more important than the sex itself. If you are a normal human being, you should enjoy it a lot, but even if not, do it and don’t skimp or be in a hurry to move forward. Do plenty of hugging and kissing, and don’t rush your way towards “intimate” areas. Something that can be amazing is ASMR (Autonomous sensory meridian response), which is our body’s response to stimulation in the sides and back of the neck and ears. Just moving your face close to that area can often be enough to “turn on” most people, and a gentle touch or soft sounds (like tiny kissing sounds or gentle lip and tongue movement sounds) can bring very high levels of stimulation. This is even more arousing if you approach your partner slowly from behind (with her knowledge and consent!) and do this. Let me frame it differently: you can achieve more arousal with 5 minutes of foreplay and ASMR than with 15 minutes of downstairs work.

The 2nd “tip” is LISTEN. This refers to both listening to what your partner says (what they like, what they want, how they are feeling), and what kind of response they have to what you do. The world would be better if you could get real-time verbal directions, but usually, all we have are sounds, and often, those are subtle (so doing it to loud music is usually not very conductive, at least until you are very familiar with your partner). Try different things, like different speeds, different levels of pressure, different movement patterns, and different placements (directly on the clitoris vs above or below it). As you try, listen to the response and LEARN (as in, commit to memory what you did that led to a better response). Keep in mind that most people take a while to climax even when the stimulation is perfect, so unless it’s clearly not working (“bad” sounds or response), give it at least a few minutes before trying something else. For many, consistency is critical (doing the exact same thing for 10-20 minutes, or even longer), while for others, alternating every few seconds is better. LISTEN & LEARN.

The 3rd tip is POINTS OF STIMULATION, a.k.a. “erogenous zones”. We all have many of these all over our body, and while the Clitoris is a DUH, stimulating other points can be helpful, especially in tandem. We are limited in what we can do with our bodies, because people only have 2 hands, but try to make the most of it. For example, cunnilingus from below allows you to reach up and stimulate one or even both nipples (). If your partner likes vaginal stimulation, you can use a finger or two, and for some women, a finger near or inside the anus can be another POS (). Using a toy or implement can add another POS or two, like nipple clamps or vibrating cock-ring (which can be worn on your finger). Our other senses are also a POS, so certain deodorant or cologne can increase arousal too (even just being bathed, clean, shaved and groomed adds a lot). With practice and patience, one person can “activate” as many as 5 or 6 POS at the same time (although keeping that up for more than a few minutes can be challenging) and with that level of arousal, most women would be climaxing in mere minutes.

For both those two things, listening is also key. Talk to your partner to find out if that “works” for them, and what level of energy or action is OK or not. This is critical because many women prefer we stay FAR away from their ass.

A 4th point to keep in mind is to be consistently INCONSISTENT. While men tend to be very consistent with their arousal, many women do not, and so humility is important. Just because what you know worked on other women before, doesn’t mean you’re a shoe-in, and even if you delivered amazing orgasms to this specific partner for years using one way doesn’t mean they cannot change. So tip no. 2 above is ALWAYS important….you always have to listen and be willing to adjust and learn, and try new/different things. I’ve been doing this for 25 years and I always come-up with new things to try. Not many people are capable of this level of dialog, but having a conversation after-sex to learn what was good and what wasn’t is super helpful for future get-togethers.

Another idea (no. 5), which might sound crazy, but will definitely make you a better lover, is to try to PUT-AWAY your own orgasm. My rule of thumb is “if she doesn’t cum, I don’t either”, and while there’s some flexibility there with my regular partners (sometimes they don’t, sometimes I don’t, and over time it balances out), it’s very important to me when starting relationships. It builds trust, earns respect, and creates a solid foundation for a long-term relationship. And of course, even if I’m super-aroused, we all know I can get myself off in about 30 seconds once we go our separate ways, and there’s nothing wrong with that (many women would see that as a compliment even). The biggest downfall to all relationships is selfishness, so if you can conquer that, you are on the right track to being a better lover and better person.

The final tip (6) is to remember that while the erogenous zones become super sensitive after climax for the majority of people, this is also precisely the right time for AFFIRMATION. Hold her, hug her, be close and intimate even more than before. Those are the moments that cement the relationship and where it can turn from just sex into a real connection. If you turn-over and fall asleep, or choose this moment to go take a shower, that’s a high risk of losing her forever, but a long embrace is what could make it into a long-lasting relationship. Even if it’s hot and you’re both sweaty and sticky, the least you should do is do a “face hug” (touching cheek-to-cheek, or place your hand on the side of her neck…some kind of touch that shows you ARE HERE).

ADVANCED TIP: Try "face-sitting" at least once (cunnilingus with you laying down, and the female crouching on your face). This gives the woman more control over placement and pressure, and in my experience, leads to the best orgasms BY FAR. This also often leads to squirting, if that's something you like, though in that position, dealing with that outcome can be tricky to some people.

To conclude, I have to say again that ultimately, people are not machines, and nothing I said here is universal. There are plenty of women who just want to get rammed long and hard by enormous cocks. There are plenty who just want to get straight to fucking. There are people who are too-sensitive around their neck or other body parts, and people who are turned-off by certain colognes. There are plenty who would want nothing more than you GONE the second they climax. I hope any of the women who have different preference than some of the things I listed above don’t find this offensive and understand that my goal here is to guide mis-guided or inexperienced people into being a more considerate, caring and invested lovers. Please feel free to share any respectful thoughts, tips or suggestions of your own in the comments, for the benefit of mankind.

Emotions and actions

The most common misconception I encounter when discussing emotions with people is this: emotions are not the same as actions, and there is a big difference between controlling emotions and controlling actions. I myself am an EXTREMELY emotional guy. I feel frustration, sadness, love and joy at least as much as any other human being out there. I enjoy my good emotions and respect the negative ones (we all need a solid cry now and then), but I don't try to suppress them. However, many years ago I mastered controlling my ACTIONS. Feeling frustrated at a situation doesn't mean I will allow myself to yell, shout, curse or do anything else that might hurt someone else (which is of particular significance, since I’m a big and strong guy). Feeling enormous amounts love, which I do, and often, doesn't mean I tell it to everyone or babble endlessly about it either.

Controlling one's action in response to their emotions is very important. Most of us get angry, or feel other emotions, from time to time, and it’s only natural to want to expel these emotions. Who never wanted to bash someone’s face in occasionally? I certainly did too, mostly during my army service. However, good people don't let those emotions ruin theirs or others' lives. What should you do instead? To each their own. Some people have a therapist, others expel their emotions at inanimate objects (whether it’s their own walls, or perhaps at an “anger room”). My way? I WRITE. I write letters to people or organizations that trigger those feelings, and I then expand, edit and refine them until I feel I “delivered” a perfect message of how I feel. That’s it….I don’t print or send the letters. Just putting the words down is all it takes to calm me down.

Are you a person who gets loud, prickly or violent in tough situations? That’s dangerous, and every one of us should spend time to figure out a system of handling that. Whether it’s an anger-management therapy or just buying yourself a good-quality punching bag, it’s important to keep your sanity, or perhaps keep you out of jail. And almost as important is to remember that when we talk about this, to make that distinction between emotions and actions. It is one of the most prevalent issue in many relationships, both domestic and otherwise. When someone else asks you to control yourself, they never mean that you're not allowed to FEEL. Just that you should suppress the ACTIONS those feeling might be driving you to take.

Love with all your heart, hate with your pen!

Rules and regulations in the poly world

Many good souls ask for my thoughts or advice about transitioning their monogamous relationship into an open relationship of some kind (which could be polyamory, but also other varieties I deal with). I don’t proclaim to have all the answers, and there’s certainly way more than one way to do things. However, there is one thing that I believe is a fundamental thing, and I keep seeing evidence that shows it’s the right philosophy. The way I see it, people should try to accept that our world is chaotic and that the vast majority of us are just a leaf on the wind. We have little knowledge or control of what happens around us, and accepting it is, in my opinion, a key to being happier and having more successful relationships, particularly in the poly world.

People who transition to open relationships usually are afraid of losing what they perceive as control of the situation (which itself is an illusion that monogamy "sells"). Driven by fear of losing control, or losing their partner, they look for ways (consciously or subconsciously) to know what their partners is doing or might do. Will they fall in love with someone? Will they have sex with them? Will they want to leave and be with the new person? Will the life they built together fall apart?

Yeah, that's scary shit, and so people often deal with that by trying to make rules to keep a grip on things. For example: "You can't start dating another person without telling (or asking) first" or "you can only date up to X number of new people in a given period" or even the more problematic "you can have sex, but can't fall in love".

However, they soon discover that this doesn't work. Even if their partner is actually capable of following whatever rules they have (which is rare), they still feel they are losing their grip, and their partner always feels afraid (of unintentionally breaking the rules, or being "caught" and "punished" for doing so). They themselves never gain back that comfortable "certainty" that monogamy offers (in quotes, because the reality is, most people don't actually feel it at all).

The way I practice love, and other things, is based on the old saying "if you love someone, let them go". This does not mean “go away” as some interpret it, but “set them free”, which is how it’s phrased in some places. Yes, not knowing what your partner is doing or might do is scary, but we need to learn to live with some uncertainty. Giving someone freedom is the only way to really keep them around. The full saying is “If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” Because the less restrictive and controlling we are, the more people stick around. And if they don't, then they would have left anyway sooner or later, and that is more likely to be with more bitterness, frustration, anger, etc.

This, by the way, goes for other relationships, because the need to be in control, and the need to break out of control, is universal to almost all people. Parents who try to control their children often find themselves alienated later in life, and even some employers (most notably in the tech sector) realize that the more freedom you give your employees, the more they’ll stick around and do better at their jobs. The COVID pandemic has put this to the test for many people and employers as well. Pretty much everyone had the desire to work from home full-time, which made quite a few employers and bosses itchy. “Can we trust out employees to be productive even when not being constantly watched?” “Are they going to be as loyal and reachable?”. Some employers did the panic thing and tried to maintain control and order in various ways, from requiring daily ‘check in’ emails to writing-up complicated and detailed policies and rules. However, with COVID, employers didn’t really have much of a choice than to let most employees work remotely (and those who didn’t found themselves facing empty rooms, as many of their people quit). The results has proven to be very successful, with the vast majority of companies and people working flawlessly and achieving similar levels of performance to what they had before the plague. To me, this is strong proof that the best way is to accept the chaos and trust people. If you are one who struggles with letting go, going poly is not going to be easy, but if you are successful in learning this skill, I’m confident you will have a better life.

Transparency matters

Those who know me know I'm an extremely transparent person (about myself, that is). I will answer any question about me, no matter how personal. I'll gladly talk about my feelings, sex, gender and anything else, if someone wants to, and without limits. I'll even tell you how much I make, and how much I have in the bank, if asked. Only exceptions are my passwords and a few small things tied to my security and safety.

Yesterday, someone asked me WHY I'm like that. There are several reasons. One is that I have no reason to hide anything. I'm happy and proud about most of what I've done and have, and I don't dodge responsibility for the things I'm not proud of. Secondly, transparency inspires TRUST, which is very important to me to both give and get. Third, I want everyone else to be transparent. I desire to have transparency from my friends, family, boss, colleagues, politicians and leaders, but before I can ask for it, I need to practice and demonstrate it myself (and by being transparent and successful, I show others that it can work). And the fourth reason: it's just so much simpler. Telling the truth and being transparent is the simplest, because Its much easier to remember.

A few people I know are the exact opposite. They only browse in "private" mode, avoid social media, never talk about anything personal and flaunt their secrecy as if it makes them better than everyone else. I know some folks who don't even tell their own wives or husbands how much money they make, or present themselves with a fake name. Naturally, it's their right to do so, but to be honest, none of them are particularly happy. Being so closed-up has left them with little to no friends, and most of them are in a nearly constant state of fear and stress (that someone will find out something about them). That's no way to live, I think. Human beings are social creatures. We need each other and we need human connection. Let's all just live honestly and transparently! 

The importance of branding

A friend of mine showed me a "business" card he had printed, which he can hand out at parties and events to connect with people. Naturally, he's not the first and I’ve done the same all the way back in 2016 (I called it my "pleasure" card). I was the first to do this in my community, I believe, but of course I didn’t invent business cards.

However, my friend elected to out his photo on it. I illustrated to him that while there is some value in people remembering how you look like; a card is more than a tool for sharing info. It is his brand; and an opportunity to show a piece of his personality. My card has a modern, "clean" graphic that also uses some negative-space elements, plus a joke, which all come together to tell a story and leave an impression (you can see it in my profile photos, if interested).

I'm not a pro designer, I should note, but I have acquired some skills and experience in that realm, enough to design stuff like that and to understand the notion and importance of branding. This is the difference between a $50 print job, which will likely not bring much return, vs a $300 design job, which is more likely to. Same applies to other things in life. One's choice of clothing, colors, conduct, language and even one's car and house.

I should add that not everyone needs branding or needs it all the time. If you’re a software engineer, it doesn’t matter much what your neighbors think of your brand, but at the office, it certainly can make a difference as advancement and promotions are considered. At places like Microsoft, Facebook and google, it matters less what you wear, but there are other aspects of branding. Are you on time? Are you trustworthy? Are you reliable? Are you open? Ethical? Organized? Realistic? All these come together to build your brand as someone who is "going places" or lesser so. If you don’t have a career or aspirations, none of this matters, but if you do, it could make a big difference between success and mediocrity. If you are a person who is less successful than you'd like, think about your brand and what you’ve done or haven’t done to build it. Ask a few friends what THEY see as your brand. Think about what things you can do to change or grow it. Might be something gimmicky like a catchphrase or a whimsical necktie, or maybe something more profound like regularly sharing pearls of wisdom or being more supportive than others. It’s never too late to become a better you.

I am imperfect

I’m weak.

The most powerful thing one can do is admitting one’s own faults.

I am weak, I'm afraid, I'm lazy, I'm bad. These are some of the things you'll rarely hear anyone say about themselves. We are all taught from early childhood to be strong, and never admit our weaknesses. But we all have them. Some of us base their decisions on fear. Some of us are greedy or lazy. Many of us steal and almost all of us lie regularly (according to research).

However, there are few things in life that are as powerful as admitting one's faults and weaknesses. When you share a weakness or vulnerability with someone else, you let them into your inner sanctum, which is one of the best and fastest ways to build trust. This builds trust because when you give someone something they can use against you, you are showing them you trust them, and most people will reciprocate the trust. Also, our secrets are our weak spot, because most of us fear these being exposed. But if we intentionally expose them, we take away their power. When everyone knows your secrets, they can't threaten or hurt you with exposing them. Instead of working to keep them a secret, and being afraid of being exposed, we can build trust and enjoy the strengths of having less (or no) fear.

Another aspect of this is that by being open and transparent about our less-savory part, we show others that we are just like them. Take me, for example: I’m somewhat successful and popular, but by admitting my faults, it shows people I’m not some arrogant prick hiding in the ivory tower. I have some stuff going for me, but I’m ultimately just like everyone else. A regular guy who cried in movies, eats too much crap, sometimes forget important stuff, and occasionally makes a mistake that hurts others. I try to be the best I can be, but I’m ultimately a flawed human being, just like all of us. I am not proud of my faults, and I’m even ashamed of some of them, but the values of transparency and personal-responsibility trump that. Hopefully, more people will learn to appreciate those values too, and make the world a better place for all of us.